THE PAST IS A DEAD ANIMAL

A (or is it THE) reason that I don't like feeling pity for myself is that I look at it as a sign of disrespect to the life that I did have and of those who have had to do with less and accomplished more. I hadn't ever asked, or hardly ever asked, 'why me?', you know what I am saying? I mean, why did I have to get picked on and why did I have to be on the outside of social groups and float around. 'The area between cliques is where I dare', I would say in an effort to make light of what I was going through. It would have been nice to be on the 'ins' of something.

Sorry if you are looking for specific 'incidents', but sometimes my memory is heretical to itself, you know? I do remember what I FELT and that is more than enough. I recall the stings and the barbs growing up of being pushed around and eventually out of the loop. Don't ever recall missing or questioning why it had to be that way. Back then I didn't get deep with that stuff like Jacques Cousteau. I made a choice that it was the way that it was for a reason and I figured I would find out later why, if I needed to know. Put on my Smiths and Cure records and let them melancholy me to sleep...

For a long time I have found clever and pithy sayings to keep me moving forward through all the trying times that I have faced. But right now, I am running out of them... not so much as running out, but getting worn out having to find the resolve to push myself forward yet again.

Lately, the need to ask 'what if's' has popped in and around my head over time. Hey, I am human too. Comes with the territory. For the most part, I've thought about it and moved on... when it came to 'getting over things', I have gotten over them.

Right now, the memory of what once was and could have been is almost too much for me to bear. More that the memory of what the past FELT LIKE is. And all those possiblities... where did it all go?

I think back to seeing that kid I from Carolina, only now he was the contender and had done the very things that I talked with him about, and how he offered me a job as a sparring partner. The reason that I didn't take that job was less about ego and more about the feeling that I had cheated myself out of being 'him'. To watch him 'be me' was too 'Eddie Kane' for me (you know the scene in the movie 'The Five Heartbeats', where he asks Flash, 'How does it feel to be me?') and I couldn't take the job. 'Being cool' with the boss would have been too much like the sycophant to me. Not to mention the resentment.

"Why... why wasn't 'it' me?", I would have been asking of no one in particular. For me, asking that would have meant the would come an answer echoing back in the darkness of my imagination. And I don't like asking the question because I KNOW that I would have liked the answer even less.

There was a review of a couple of books about Ayn Rand in the Post last Sunday... and while I have heard the stuff before about her as a person, like I do reading thru journals, I see pieces of her imperfections and again I wonder... not at her failings but how she was able to achieve despite what she did despite them.

EVER WONDER WHAT IF HE PUSHED THE BOULDER UP A DIFFERENT HILL..?

A cat that I know from my days as a boxer posted something interesting about the time he wasted sulking over someone he broke up with. He mentioned that he almost always got an opportunity to have a 'second chance' with them. So I guess that was time he wasted, wanting for something with them because he would eventually have that chance with whoever.

His use of the block of time struck me... 17 to 35 ... because from that range in MY life, if I didn't do ANYTHING I know that I wasn't worried about someone who I split with. Regular readers know that I feel that way about my life. Messing around in the moldy, yellowed pages of my past never appealed to me.

It took until I was 35 for me to even think twice about wanting someone from a past relationship... and I wanted to find out what the fuss was all about. Yeah, I was still hung over Tee Jay but as much as I pined over her, I couldn't take the plunge and go after her. Why, when I had told myself that she meant the world to me and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her..?

Because I felt as though I 'gave at the office' the first time. I didn't hold back while we were together. And that pretty much covers how I feel about all of my past relationships. Sure, some of the ladies did deserve better from me, but they didn't get it. But since this isn't about them, what do you want me to do?

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN 'CONFIRMED' AND 'VERIFIED'

Sometimes, I sit around and I feel broken. I mean I AM broken, for real though. That is physical not in spirit. I am still the 'same kind of stupid' that I was when I left home for the service. The issue I have with all this is, what happened between 'there' and 'here'.

Nebraska has really let it be known to me how she feels. I used to think that she was hiding how she felt about me. If she didn't feel deeply about me, then she held on to how MY feelings made her feel towards the possiblity that we'd be a item. Now, it seems that she cares more about me than I even hoped. She wants to live the rest of her life with me and sharing love with me.

MTXE

THE COMPETITOR IN ME

"I am not going to sit around and hope." That is something that I am familiar with. Having gone out and having to face difficulty in trying to win or get whatever it is that I want is normal.

Though I don't think that I may have had any discernible impact on the SFC life as she did have one on mine. That is why it is hard to stay. I can't help but think that I would have had what it is that I wanted had our paths not crossed. But they did. And I failed myself...

... but why did she have to happen to me? What could I have been? Where would I have gone?

I know that I told her at the beginning of this, when we first begin to talk to one another, that I had left all that in the past. But that was of course, the polite thing to say. For a cat who didn't have the fall back to catch himself, making the correct decision and being a 'first time go', was everything to me.

So now she has again entered my life when I had plotted a course to take me to where I want to go. And I don't want to let go of my hopes, not this time. Going out to Nebraska was a 'go' for so many reasons, that if Nebraska was going to stay to her then stated tack, I'd be comfortable with my decision to live in Omaha and chill.

Wherever the SFC goes from here, it will be to suit her own purposes and designs. I'd have to put whatever it is that I wanted to the side and live through her dreams. Thanks but no thanks. I will keep my dreams and try to live them.

Hmm... I did expect to be in Omaha in May or June of this year, didn't I ..?

DEATHLESS WORDS

IF YOU DON'T CARE, WHY SHOULD I?

"Who was there at the world's beginning?", asks the narration in a comic book about someone who goes off to embrace his destiny in spite of his personal weaknesses.

I like that because it says to me that no one was there but you at the beginning of whatever it is you complain, moan, blame, and it implies that no one but you will be able to get you out of it. Same thing with the cadence, 'Ain't no use in looking down ... there's no discharge on the ground...' Where you are is where you are at, and for real, unless you can get away from it, nothing really matters.

Whether it is something someone is having happen to them 'again', or it makes them wonder when it is going to be 'my turn', I hate when they direct that towards me. Because I wasn't there when they gave all of themselves to all of whatever they chose to, but since like everyone else, they made a choice. Sure those choices were connected to other choices, but even as they wound their way along, the fact remains that there was a choice to be made. What that choice was, no matter what, is what they have to own.

The entire thinking is so selfish that I locks up my mind. How selfish must a person be, to think that their pain and their agony is so ultra terrible and unique that for them to find themselves again 'sacrificing' for the sake of some unknown and amorphous reason as a relationship, is arrogance.

So, WHEN is it going to be 'my turn'? When WILL it stop 'happening to them'? I DON'T FREAKING KNOW!!

That is why if you haven't walked in someone's shoes, you should watch what you say. You aren't the only one who has had to let go of hopes and dreams, or have what you wanted snatched away from your hands. Then to be surrounded by all the 'what ifs' and reminded of all that you lost and gave up for... what?

For this??

My Plan to remake myself and focus on the building of the rest of my life, and finding my new normal.

REALLY ..?

So this is another situation where I find myself hanging out with a person who is wondering, 'when its going to be my turn' and not believing that 'they have did this again'.

What 'the Nebraska Concept' was for me, was the opportunity to be free of the nagging and lingering issues concerning relationships. Who doesn't feel that they have loved and loved, without that love being returned? How many people are wondering if it is ever going to happen for them, love that is fulfilling and abiding?

I told the SFC's friend that we are both 'the same kind of stupid'. While it was tongue in cheek, it was accurate. Here we sit in an ambigious relationship where neither of us are feeling fulfilled. Our conversation is stilted because we aren't putting a lot of ourselves into what we are saying. Were someone to say that we are both looking for the end of this, I wouldn't argue with them.

When I hear someone say those 'magic words' that indicate they have made yet another mistake that they have made before with me, that is when things are coming to a close. You can come back from a lot of things, but not the conclusion that you have messed up again. How can you? Isn't that when the towel is being thrown in, or if not, in hand at the ready to be tossed?

My Plan to remake myself and focus on the building of the rest of my life, and finding my new normal.

I thought long about the subhead for this journal. I wanted to make this part of my life's journey about me finding my way and pursuing my happiness. This has been a detour. Not an 'unfortunate' one, but a detour nonetheless. Virginia isn't where I am supposed to be. After all, I did have the dream of Skye, KT, and Lexxie with me at the Nebraska State fair. That seemed real, where being here seems like something else.

For such a selfish bastard, I am more self-less that I give myself credit for. No one has even come remotely close to giving up the things that are dearest to them for me. So I can't let myself feel as though there is anything more for me to give. I better do for me, because no one else can be counted on to do it!

VETERAN'S DAY

There are so many things that Veteran's Day has meant to me for the last 20 years that I don't think I can put them all into words.

Growing up, there was a lot of talk about why would a brother want to join a 'white man's Army' and all that. The draft had been stopped, Vietnam was not too long ended, and the carefree disco 70's were in full swing.

There was a lot of negative things said in the hood about being in the service, but for me it was always a real option. A cousin had a good experience when he was in the service, seeing a little bit of Vietnam and getting out and making something of his G.I. Bill. Then the series 'The World At War' and the huge Time-Life books about WW II made me think about how cool it would be go out and fight the Japs in the Pacific, hopping island to island.

My childhood summer's were spent in the jungles of the South Pacific, or liberating the surviving soldier of the marches to Bataan... even now those hot summer days that I find myself outside traveling long distances to nowhere recall those mental images. I have never let go of those memories.

When Page spoke to me her senior year, she asked me about what she wanted to do. She was Navy ROTC and wasn't trying to go straight to college. It wasn't that she didn't have the grades or the ability... but then, what do you call it when someone has the talent to do something but doesn't want to pursue something that many would say should be an obvious direction for them to take with the next step in their life?

I don't know what other advice she was getting about her future, but I remembered how crappy it was for me my junior and senior years. No one sat me down and spoke to me about anything. Wait, Ron and I had discussion about a future, but it was still one of me making up my own mind, rather than having things suggested and discussed. My Mom was in a 'different place' as far as I was concerned and my sister Sherita was the one that her and my Aunt Doris, who lived with us, were focused on.

So I sat down with Page, and we started getting material on the military. I explained the different missions of each branch of service and told her what I thought of each one based on my experience. She went Air Force along with a buddy of hers, who was a little drifty as well. I think it did the both of them a lot of good, giving them exactly what I thought it would, a fighting chance at making a good life.

I hope Page can get her 25 years in ... she will be a young woman still, early 40's, my age now or thereabouts. You do the math.

From watching the interview with Bob Knight, Mike Krzyzewski, and Bill Parcells, I began to feel a remorse for my Military Career. When I was in high school, the service was a 'top five' option, which is why I joined ROTC. It wasn't that I was squared away or anything like that. I was still a kid and was being a hormonally challenged teenager that knew just enough to keep the Army in mind for a career.

Though I had found the socialization part of high school such a challenge that it would affect my academics, turn in me into a underachieving student, I did still have the Army. Considering how my home life was, chaotic because I was rudderless, the Army shot up the charts. Because no matter what, I knew that I had to get out of Detroit.

At the time, had my Mom and Aunt really talked to me about college, I would have listened. But falling to a 'C' grade point average and other troubles like getting kicked out of Renaissance High at the end of my junior year, did not give them hope for me. I wonder why that was ... though I have an idea it was part of the insidiousness that infects the 'Black Matriarchal Complex' that did it. But I certainly aggravated things. Cutting classes and getting caught doing the 'ol' In and Out', while not signs of delinquency, didn't put me in a favorable light.

In the end, I was glad that I decided to take charge and make something happen in my life.

Myself, I had intended to go Air Force. But the Army recruiters were in the front of the office and once they got a hold of me, that was that!! I blew out the ASVAB test, and told them to put me in a job that I did not have to get dirty in!! At first I was in Fianance (ooh, how ironic!!), but when I pushed back my date (I don't remember why that happened or what I was thinking sooo ...) I ended up changing my MOS and that is how I became a 71 Lima.

I think that things shook out the way that they should have. I went to Korea and was having a great time. And this is where 'everything changes' ...

I am having a harder time than I thought dealing with seeing 'my military career' that I did not get to have or live. Another thing about the Sportscenter at West Point, was Sage Steele talking about her father who was a cadet and the first black man to letter at Army. It said so much about where SHE came from, and how she spoke about her father, 'The Colonel', it made my heart skip a beat.

Let's be honest. I would have never gotten married had I been able to stay in the service. Would have never met my ex Wife and would have kept on career tracking while I was in the Army. May have earned a campaign ribbon ... a couple of tabs ... a degree as well, who knows?

What I do know is that I never got to live the life I had wanted to live. That is a fact. Could have boxed forever ... Ray Mercer made it to the Olympic Team and the cat who I used to follow in the agate fight results in Ring Magazine, Carlos Elliot, a Marine station in Japan did get a title shot.

Every single day, a variation of these thoughts run through my mind. Everyday.

So being here in a place that I don't care for, surrounded by the life that was within reach as I try to deal with holding back the bitterness of disappointment, is difficult.

I am going to get up and find something to do, in spite of not wanting to do anything. Once again, I am going to try to live a life at someone's pace.

Do I really want to try this again?

WHAT IS GOING ON?

ESPN SPECIAL FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS FOR VETERANS DAY, 2009

Watching the Marines fight before the pro boxers got into the ring, made me long for what never was. I told the SFC that I was over it ... but how can I be over it, the ending of my career before it ever really had a chance? My unilateral sacrifice for what..?

I wish that I could not remember that night ... but I can, at least the essentials. One of the rare times I was out on the town, in the NCO club at Camp Henry playing slots and eating French Fries with mayonaisse. Man, I was such a kid! The decision to call the CQ desk was due to my roomie Thompson being on the desk.

When I got him, he told me that the SFC had been beat up ... I got angry. She was my friend and I could not imagine anyone doing that to her. Rushing to catch a cab and back to the barracks, and immediately got in the middle of the after effects. I can remember her little 'yobo', a too old and too immature homeboy from Detroit, going back and forth like a little lap dog.

Finding out who caused the ruckus was my next goal and the homey was running around getting on my nerves. Small as well as short, he couldn't exact anything from anyone other than change. Why did I let him tag along with me, I will never know. As soon as I thought about finding the cat ... he invited himself.

The cat was from the area finance unit. We struck out looking for him at the two NCO clubs and in the 'Villes' on both sides of town. Finally got a lead that he was up in his barracks trying to sleep off his hanging out.

Who knows how late it was ... 3 o'clock sounds good enough. I let the small homey come and when he picked up a two by four, I should have stopped and dismissed him. Hell, after we didn't find the cat on the streets as it was, we BOTH should have slept it off and let the MP's handle things.

Vigilante justice indeed ... homey and the SFC were 'bunk buddies', so he should have went on this kind of mission solo. But I loved her much as I could love anyone that I wasn't trying to actually BE in love with. My best friend ... calling her that was an understatement. She was my ONLY friend.

My conscious was 'on' and I knew what I was risking as we walked around Taegu, looking for the Finance cat. Why didn't I dismiss the homey ..? Let him handle what should have been his business? I will never know ...

You could say it was to prepare the both of us for 'now'. And I feel like I am following her along again, as uncertain as ever. She got a chance to make her life work. I know that she had her ups and downs, but when I think about what I gave up at eighteen and what I never had a chance to have ...

... like fighting in front of a bunch of guys in my unit, against someone from another unit or post or even branch of service. A townie or in a tournament. The chance to struggle to make the grade and gain rank. I still wonder if I would have gone on to Fort Dix and went in the enlisted to officer program?

I know that I had intentions on trying to do my 20 years in the service. In fact, still thought about trying to get back in many, many times. But I was so hurt by letting that gift opportunity go that I never tried to see what could have been done on my behalf. After leaving Mookie, I had hoped to finally get a chance to see what I was really capable of, and live for me.

Yet here I am in someone else's house and trying to be a part of somone elses world. Sure, I love the SFC and she is truly a special person in my heart. But I did give her my life once before... and I don't feel beholden to give it to her again.

Did I think about her in the interim ..? How could I not?? All this time ... the last 20 plus years as I have stumbled around looking for my special place, thinking about how if I had went on and taken classes at the USC affiliate, maybe I would have been doing something for myself and not out that night being random ...

... between that and my crappy marriage, I never thought that was fair what I experienced. But what could I do? I have tried as best as I can to 'get over it', but being here sometimes is a constant reminder of what never was for me ... and what I am still hoping for.

Of Course, We Knew This Was Coming ...

What is notable about today is the email exchange between me and Nebraska today ...

The conversation centered around 'us', as though my being here was a stage we both had to go through before we get together make a child and ...

... and?

Yesterday I was asked to make a promise that "I would not hate, me" by the SFC. What does she know about herself that I don't??

Right now, the components are there for problems. I can see where this will lead to a major issue later. First off, is my denial about how two people say they feel about me and how I am dealing with their emotions.

Will have to keep my eyes on the ball, and do what I have to do with my SFC. The external problems, environmental problems, are things that I knew before I came here. So I have to deal with them. Period. Did I underestimate them? I think I did, but there is 'no crying in baseball'.

I don't like where I am at but I do love who I am with. That means things should work out ... and they will!!

IN THE O'DARK HOURS OF A NEW BEGINNING

Thank you for the conversation last night. It made me feel so much better. I do love you Mark.
My step sister forwarded this today and I thought how timely to receive it. Most times, I skip over all those forwarded emails, but it was meant to be read today.
I am at peace with you leaving for Virginia. You didn't see me as the right fit for you and that is okay. It's your life and you have to do what is best for you. Someday, I will have to make that decision for me and my family.
My wish and hope for you is happiness and love. I mean that Mark. I think you are a good man and you deserve those blessings. Always remember your promiseL: If it's not for you, Omaha will be waiting. Don't take any crap. As your friend first...I'll be there for you.
Have a wonderful life Mr. Johnson. Again, I do love and sincerely care about you.

I don't know if we will ever talk again, let alone get a chance to be with one another. I hope not.

Nebraska has been a revelation the past three months. Since I got back from my first visit to Virginia in July, we have explored new areas of our relationship. But they were things that we should have been discussing months ago.

Should I have pressed her more? That was part of the purpose of NOT pressing. I wanted someone to let me know that they wanted me. I understand that I have my faults, but this is a different stage of the game. I know that I am not only capable of making a good life, but I am a great and loving partner. I don't think of myself as the 'How Soon Is Now?' character ... I don't think I have a new 'theme song' for my life.

I think that I am finally going to get a chance to just 'live'.

This is what I wanted ... someone who knew me and wanted me. Someone who was aware of my potential and was going to help me maximize myself. A person who could understand that what they did for me, they would get back in many ways. And I already know that is what the SFC is all about.

I can remember wondering what she saw in the cat she hung with where we were stationed together... wondering why she and I didn't ever get that 'close' since we were already right next to one another. I mean, the one thing was I like full figured women, is most obvious!

But I also did think that I should not bother someone who I worked with. The one time that I did, messing with SD near the end of my run working, was a tension filled relationship. If anything, it proved the rule.

For real, I am getting a chance to be with my best friend and lover. I can't imagine a better circumstance for me to be in. The SFC fills my heart and with things being this close ... I am ecstatic! Finally, something super good has finally happened to me, like the stories I have seen and heard about happening to other people. Now I have to make sure that it has a great run and a happy ending!!

A-B-C

ALWAYS ...

Since the middle of June, I Nebraska and I have been talking, exchanging emails and conversating via IM, like we should have been long ago. Not that we didn't, but that when we would, she would shut things down. It wasn't until after the SFC came into my life, that she really saw that she was taking me for granted.

The switch from my original concept to this 'fly on the seat of your pants', was sudden. But like the SFC says ... 'You know how we do.'

Throughout my life, I have had a difficult time explaining myself. With Nebraska, it was no different. As we have continued to deepen our relationship, I did not waver from my assertion that I was going to go east. I did not lead her to believe other wise

BE...

Was tonight our last conversation? Only the heavens would know. What I do know is that I kept my profile and did not shake. Hearing her say, " I guess once you have made up you mind, you aren't going to change it", let me know what I needed to know. As much as we did share, I didn't let weakness win out.

My heart is aching though. Hearing her explain herself, I did not know that she felt the way that she did, remembering how seven years ago how I offered to move to be with her. What I did not know was her complete situation. And it was that 'keeping it to herself' that was part of this happening. She couldn't let me know what was what on her end. Had I known what I know NOW, then, I would have done differently.

Listening to her emotionally charged voice... hearing her CRY ... dag! I thought I was past all that!! I crappy as I felt, I stayed myself. I told her how this has been an 8-year project of mine, and I had thought about how I was going to implement a new way of thinking in my life. I was tired of living a messed up life, and wanted to live instead the life I did want to live.

Still, I only find solace in that I did not try to fake her out. In other words, 'be' is BEING. I countinued to be me, and not weaken and become the pu**y that I have been before in my life.

CLOSING

Which meant I always remained heading in the new direction I was choosing. No, she couldn't do what I am doing. But she NEVER could have. I don't mean that in an angry fashion, but that is what makes me the person I am. I do stuff differently than she does. And I do stuff differently than she does. That what make HER the person she is.

I won't ever be able to forget her. I clung to her for years, without her knowing it.
And she was my line back to land. What happened is what happened between us. Can't say anything other than that.

As far as me doing what is best for me, I still will keep Omaha as a back up. I will continue to fund and save money for an emergency. No, I won't tell the SFC, and why should I? When it comes to her, 'I gave at the office'. Simple as that.

Besides, we should never have to come to that. I trust her like I always did when we were kids. That still hasn't changed, and I don't expect it to, either!

WHEN THE MAINFRAME BREAKS AGAIN

THE FRITZ

Everything IS up in the air.

The chain reaction caused by this episode has spun dangerously close to being out of control. Everything that made going to Nebraska (the place) such an excellent adventure, has been revealed in the past few days.

I am so confident in my ability to take care of myself, that when I was preparing myself to leave Mookie, the first priority was to pick a place that I could feel 'safe' in. Pretty much anyplace with a population over 100 and two stop lights could be a dangerous place for me, but the point being Nebraska is much less a threatening place.

With Nebraska (the person) offering friendship, that would be acceptable. My relationship with Mookie had become loveless, sexless, and I was all but celibate. A 'friendship' with her would have been interesting. I would have had not a problem with her being full of me and letting me know that. I would have been free to let her know that too.

The thing I was looking forward to the most, is being free.

Maybe after I had been there a couple of years and tracking in a specific direction, maybe she would make a move towards a relationship. If not, that would be cool to.

While I have confidence in myself, I do worry about 'pacing'. In the Sportscenter Highlight of my life, I get in country, get a job bagging groceries and find my way to the local community college. Although I would miss Astoria cookies (as you can no doubt tell, I would REALLY miss that place ... best cookies ever!!), I would find another place to get my treats, read the paper and drink coffee.

I miss my own place.

Being on my own would mean that I could get a big calendar and put it up near the front door, one that you can see from across a room. I would look up from my love seat (because I would have a chair and would sit there ... company in the love seat) and be able to know what I was supposed to do.

Do you know that I have over 60 extra blood pressure pills? Do you want to know how I got them? Each one represents a day that I forgot to take my medicine. How could you forget to take your medicine? Well, for me the answer is simple. Things that complicate my day to day so much that it 'spills', then stuff gets shuffled off.

And I do know how important that it is that I take my medicine. I don't know if 'things' are genetically linked, but usually when one person has a stroke or heart trouble in a family, so will someone else. There are five that I know of, and three of them are me, my darling brother, and our Mother.

Having to think about how I need to be so that someone else can figure out what they need to do, to get what they want for us, which may or may not be what I would want for me, or us ...

... eh, as long as they are happy, I guess.

There have been times where I have thought that was a problem of mine. In a relationship, I would 'go there' for someone without the expectation that they would ever go there for me.

AKA took her own personal exceptions, tried to put 'business' out that I include on my own brochures and presentations, but most of it was fairly accurate. How is that for irony? That I am non plussed by what she said.

But it did get to the SFC. And again, this is the trouble I have with worrying about the people in MY past, and trying to start a relationship with them.

If they called it or I did, I don't believe in the big air clearing finish. I will ask the same question ... are you sure this is what you want?

SEE, I GAVE AT THE OFFICE

I wonder if they are sure, because when they are sure I consider myself 'relieved from duty'. There are 'things' that I have done for people that they didn't ask me to do for them, but I felt needed to be done.

What if I did like my thieving nephew, and IGNORED A FREAKIN' WARNING ALARM. Sure, it could have been a malfunction. But I know better than that, to ignore a 'life or death' signal'. So I did what I had to, and if it cost me a few dollars, rather that, because what a crap alternative.

One of the things about being unattached that holds so much allure for me, is that when I have been single, I have done well. Went to school, found decent work, boxed and traveled (ugly American indeed ... I had to have GONE SOMEWHERE to make that a true statement, dontcha know!!), being by myself.

Knowing the risks for me, I can pretty much take on what I am going to get into. But with someone? The dynamic changes ... and it has not always been to my benefit.

Getting back to how dating someone you once dated is a bad idea that no one had to tell me why, is that there are three version to every story. You have yours, they have theirs, and then there is the truth.

I never lost sight that there was 'a truth' to things. Which is why I had made the conscious decision to let go when it was time to let go. I have had some thoughts about people ... every platonic relationship since I met her has been based upon me and the SFC. She is a pretty girl, and I was able not to try to be a wolf with her. In fact, saying that it had never occurred to me is closer to the truth that anyone could possibly know.

Because if I had been intimate with her when we were kids, then it would have quite possibly changed my motivation for 'dying for her'. No, I never thought that I would get anything back, nor do I WANT anything for what I thought, for what made sense to me in my mind.

Had I waited for someone to tell me that it 'made sense', I very well could be dead. Being able to act, to 'get off first'. When you are able to 'act' instead of 'react', you can win the day. And if you don't win the day, you can change the course of things and be in position to take advantage of the result.

As a single entity, I could 'be first'. Go in the direction of my inspiration unencumbered by the weight and worry of others. This is an important factor to me, because I am not sure if I can trust anyone to be worried about me.

For the past two weeks, the twins, Army Sister and Best Sister along with Family Friend have been hanging together in Kansas. Army is going out of country for three years, Best Sister had mentioned enlisting, and I was going to Nebraska for the longest time.

Of course, things are up in the air for me. But on Face Book, though I would 'speak' to them and their various postings, no one responded to me. Then AKA flamed me, and still no acknowledgement. I am not sure how this works, but I would have thought that they said something ... that one of their friends thought enough to look in on me ...

Honestly, objectively, what happened did not mean anything to me. But it revealed to me what is best for me. When I get 'jumped', whether electronically or in the physical sense, the only person to have put their back to mine, is gone.

My darling brother, who couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag. But he wouldn't leave me to be savaged, whether I was right or wrong. I was his brother, and that would have been enough.

Sorry about the length and sorry about the whining. I would rather that someone from 'My Early Burglary Years' were trying to come back and get at me. But that isn't how it works. It is either you are doing it to your self, or someone who is close to you that will 'screw you in the drive thru'.

I am going to have to do some 'goat thinkin', and get back to tracking what it is I WANT from life, and figure out what life expects from me.

WILL I WONDER?

OF COURSE, NOW SHE TELLS ME!

I don't know what Nebraska thought when all this started, that she was dealing with someone who was full of crap and popping spit out of his butt, but it is now that she clearly shows her true feelings for me.

She not only has taken the right approach (if it is an approach) on how to deal with me, but it is also too late. The only thing that could happen now, is if the SFC were to say or do something that would scuttle things.

That isn't going to happen. So again Stupendous Man ... the hero business is up to you!

Meaning that the only way to screw this up, is for me to screw this up! Kelly is going to support me as far as going to school is concerned. My degree may well be well traveled like Sarah Palin's, but she will ride me to the walk. I would like to think that I will be in front of a classroom by the mid-teens, somewhere in New Jersey, prolly. Ugh, the weather. I would like somewhere without the snow, but it isn't like I was going to a sunbelt state anyway!

I figure with a teacher's salary and hers combined, we'd make enough for us to get by. I am also meditating on the idea that I will be working for most of the rest of my life ... I will accept that these few years have been my 'break'.

'Break'. Right. TBI is a 'break'. Every now and then, I worry about how this is going to follow me like my shadow. I don't know what is really in store for me, but I absolutely know that I can trust the SFC. That she wants me, is so significant. It wasn't as though she has yearned for me, more that it came to her as we spoke.

I am going to really have to get my stuff in gear. Go and purchase a few more CD cases, and start working with that stuff. Seperate the clothes and set them out. August is going to fly by. October would be a little better for me, personally. We will see.

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A MONTH MAKES!!

IN THE MOMENTS OF URGENCY

I went ahead and made reservations to fly in October to Nebraska. Only after I made the reservation, did someone call me from one of the agencies I was told to contact to make arrangements to find a place for me to live!


They said that they would gladly mail applications ... not what the other conctact said. That is what the trip is for, to fill out paperwork and such.

When I decided to get my plane ticket to fly out and meet with the Housing Authority, it was done after what it was that I was waiting for. To my understanding, there would be a lag time of up to 6 mos. before I would find out if I qualified for housing. If I waited until the end of the year, then I would be skirting the fringes of my 'sell by date', putting me in June of next year. Because 'stuff happens', and to take advantage of the advertised sale on airfare, I went on and made my October reservation. I should have 'pocket change' for the trip because it is days after my check arrive. I don't need to 'save' specifically for the trip. I can concentrate on getting back on my self payment schedule, and try to get my savings to that magic number of $2ooo again.

Even that doesn't seem to be enough, but that is the target. There is some less than good feedback from whatever link Nebraska the person and I have right now. One of the positive things from this rapproachment is that I get to ask myself again, is it for her or is this for me?

Louder and clearer, it comes back that this is for me. That is why I am going to be comfortable should it come about that I am sitting here in March of '10. Because that will only mean that I am getting ready to leave, not that I have resigned to remaining here.

You know what ...

... this reads like a whiny diary!!

Since finding a job has been shelved for now, I have to really draw up a good and functional budget for my future.

Right now, I want to save half of my monthly allowance for the next three to four months. Had been doing a quarter, as I made some basic purchases to build up my flagging wardrobe. Now I will be able to do a piecemeal kind of shopping for things, until winter. I don't think I will have to shop for different weights, as I don't think Nebraska is going to be too different from Michigan. Besides, I don't bother too much with dressing for the weather. Other than hat and gloves, I am good year round.

Could not come to terms with Sandie for an away trip. Will go forward with the Carolina trip. I should start getting that lined up in June ... perhaps letting Nixxie know the details for my arrival nearer the end of May.

Will look at February as a target date for my relocation. Though I will be packing throughout the summer, I don't think I am going to rush there, short of the money I want to be 'in country' with. Had thought I would chance it, but if I can't get there with the dollars I have already said I will feel comfortable with, then I won't leave.

But I will be going somewhere.

Another thing is that I aim to keep my shopping tight. I don't like that I have to shop and watch what I purchase be devoured thoughtlessly. Better I should line up at the trough and do what everyone else is doing. It really is a change in how I like to go about things, but it is necessary if I want to get off to a good start in Nebraska.

I will prolly go there in November to get the paperwork that I am supposed to put in for housing started. Then come home and wait. Will talk it up with my Dad in October about helping me get there. If I have to leave stuff, then so be it, but I would prefer not to.

COMPARISON FEEL ... SORTA

THING 1 AND THING 2

My twins, my Army Sister and my Best Sister rolled thru town. It was just a brief stop, for my Army Sister to deal with some details before she ships out with her family for 3 years in the R.O.K. .

As soon as someone emails me some pictures, I will post 'em up! It felt good speaking with them, especially listening to how much they've grown. Both of them looked good, and man, talk about good energy.

TALK OF THE NATION(16Apr09)

Riding around with AKA the other day, and she obliged me by tuning in to WUOM (ok, one more again ... I know that she is IN love with me ...) and the topic was how the situation has changed, as more and more adult children rely on Mom and Dad to help them out.

We caught the segment in the middle, and the guest on was a lady who was a 'tough love' kind of person. She talked about how the economy is making it more difficult for parents to help out adult children.

I felt a little squirmy listening, because some of it had to land near the fence, if not home. Not for me, as the lady explained the difference between self-sustaining children who are in distress, or those who are back in the home for medical reasons. I could claim both of those, and it wouldn't be a 'fake out'. That is why we were riding, because I had to a medical appointment.

Sorta wished she could have been a fly on the ground when me and the twins were talking ... I don't know how 'feasible' anything is, only that it will be more feasible than doing nothing. I have never tried to get too deep with AKA, because I never liked how she dealt with the contradictions in the beginning of our relationship.

Not like I don't know how some of my dealings play in Poughkeepsie, and initially, how they would play with her. Yet and still, she hung around me ... always straddling the lines.

Then, when I started to get to know her better, I was ...

Unlike some women, it has never been a problem for men to let Eliza Doolittle, be old Eliza Doolittle. Only 'Sugar Daddies' who can do something such as rehabilitate a woman like that ON A BET, even try.

Besides ... we have already had that conversation. And that is that with that.

IT'S SPRING

And I am renewed. I think I am fit and fine for action, healed from whatever I needed to be healed from with Mookie (though I would say that began when I spent time in Chi-town with 'braska). Money troubles are spring up, and that is troubling. I don't know how I am going to make up for the loss of cash.

I plan on springing my plans on my Dad in August ... and hopefully an October trip to Nebraska to deal with my paperwork. If I can fit in a trip to see KT, then I can really push aside all other ideas and notions, and get ready to move!!

What a shaky start!

FIRST...

I lost my house keys ... but I had to have had them when I left the house. See, before I leave the house, I physically look for my keys. So I knew without a doubt that I had them when I started out.


Then when I got to the store, I had to lock my bike. The bike lock key is on the same group of keys as the house keys. So I unlock my bike, and start for home DIRECTLY, DO NOT PASS GO. When I get to the door ... I could not find my keys. I turned my bag inside out looking for them.


So I spent most of the day looking in vain for them, riding up and down Plymouth. Kept hoping that whoever saw them, left them lying there after they saw that the small purse they were attached to, had no money, only my bus card.


SECOND


AKA and I ran up against it. Her parents went to Vegas for a week at the start of the month. She was feeling a blue and I knew it. So I made the journey on my bicycle to her house.


We got to talking about 'stuff', and something in me had me tell her 'what I saw' in her. I think that I was bothered by my keys and stuff, otherwise, I would have nodded and given her the 'there, there' pat on the back that she was obviously looking for.


I didn't. I told her about how I saw her, that she doesn't want to take charge of her life. "We are very similiar, you and I. We both had youths that flashed potential, and we both have fallen far short the promise we showed."


"The difference between us, is that I have fooled myself into believing that I can still have SOMETHING worthwhile in my life to look forward to, and you ... you need to forgive yourself and make the most of what you still have."

"You need to stop wishing for what you could have had, and start doing what you can do, and have a good life." I don't think that is what she wanted to hear. She wanted more sympathy. But I don't like sympathy for myself ... I know I 'could have', just like her. Might have even been closer to making things for me 'happen' than she was for herself, I don't know and I don't really care.

Left her, then I did not hear from her for the rest of the week. Then I remembered that I have heard and seen of this movie ... so I called her and called her. She did not answer. I went by her house and she didn't answer the door, even though I knew she hadn't moved the car.


My worry? That her parents would come home and find their youngest daughter ... and I had been the last person who spoke with her. Uh, not on my watch! I swallowed my pride, and kept calling and emailing her. When I saw that she recieved the email, I knew she was at least up and at 'em. The night her parents came home, I rode by, and there she was, hale and healthy.

Pecan Sandie calls ME the drama queen (when I think she lives on Total Drama Island ... but that is me)




THIRD

A good friend of mine, Mickey Goodwin passed. He was alone at home when he had a stroke. They think that it happened as he was headed for the basement. He crarwled back up the stairs to the main floor.


Along with Thomas Hearns and Hilmer Kenty, Mickey was one of the big names when Kronk first became a big time gym for boxing. I remember that the Kronk Recreation Center had all the big time programs, football, baseball and basketball for the west side. It wasn't until Emmanuel Steward came and it became the place for boxing, not just on the west side, but after a while, the country!


Mick caught some tough breaks, and really didn't ever get his shot. But he seemed to be a good guy. I really got to know him when he began to train fighters, and he worked with me for some fights at the end of my string. We went to Canada a few times, and then somewhere in Europe ... Sweden or Norway. He was a great guy.


It was different seeing him as a trainer than it was being a jr. fighter and he was one of the 'princes' of the gym. But he wasn't a jerk then, and wasn't now. One of the big reasons his passing 'got to me', isn't only the suddeness, but that he was 50 when it happened. Not far for me to go before I get to that age ... I hope that I can make it that far.


FOURTH


I had written to Skye even before my Best Sister came around. So when she got back to Detroit, frustrated with family matters (or so the Germans would have me believe), she sat down and tried to put some of her issues off on me.


Our family is such a mess. We are over with our father, and neither of us feel any link to our blood. That is something that for me, is simply because I went my own way. For her, she is disappointed at the lack of closeness between her and her family.


Why? I can't explain it in depth, but again, Jan rears her head. But I didn't want to get all into that, and I didn't. When she gave me the hassles about not being able to see Skye, I held her up on that.


For what, it seemed like who ever I tried to go out with, from the two girls in high school, to my ex wife and Pecan Sandie, my sister took their side. Of course, they were led by Jan, who simply doesn't like black men. Never knew why, because we never talked like that. Do know that she has her self-loathing thing, and only has been with non-black men ... starter marriage with some white cat blew up some time ago.


Anywho, when my Best Sister was griefin' me over not being able to see her nieces (Skye and her older sister, BJ) she wanted to put all that on me. I don't have too much of a problem being 'the bad guy', because for real, I am. Bad choices, led to bad actions, and they brought about bad results. That is why I don't spend much time wondering why things ended up such a mess. Nor do I try to get out of the way of the skewering that comes my way.


But I am tired of being let down by my family. Period. Now, she wants to treat me like a rented mule because of HER disappointments, that she wants to believes in her fantasy about her family is her problem, not mine. She is 29, and what she keeps trying to put on her peeps never existed for her. One day, she is telling me about how she doesn't want to see her sister's and how they still talk bad about her, with cousins and my ex wife. The next, she is asking why they aren't close ...


... so I stopped her and told her what I thought. It is pretty simple. Jan didn't like you as we grew up. I did. Period.


When my marriage started to dissolve, for whatever reason, you took my ex wife's side. I could care less what anyone thought, I would not have taken someone who I wasn't related to side, in such a scene. I mean, unless I was doing something abnormal, what would make you not have my back?


I was the one getting hit, disrespected, treated like I was nothing. When I could have used someone backing me up, to help me figure out what's what, who could I have turned to? I don't see how anyone believed her, after growing up with me, and knowing what type of person I am ...


We'd eventually come to terms, but by now, my emotions were stretch. Then there came my run in on 'Second Life'!


FIFTH

I know that 'Second Life' is a gaming thing, where you have avatars and you build a virtual life. But that is how I feel about all online interaction, that it give people the ability to transcend their existence. Not everyone is 'false' out her, and I believe that there are more authentic folks out here than not ...

I try to communicate the person I am thru my journal. My life is messy, and I put my actual life out here for inspection and comment, much for the same reason I didn't feel like hearing my Best Sister put any of her not being able to see her nieces on me. The reality of our relationships has been one where I haven't had anyone to help 'guide' me through my trials. It sounds self serving to mention that I have been available to my younger sibs ... but it is true. I made my mistakes, and I try to live thru them.

When Mookie and I started to fray, I started keeping a journal on line, because I had hoped to connect to someone who could give me advice and would comment on how I was doing, as well as because it was far easier for me to type than it is to write. Now, I have gotten better at writing, and I do keep a journal that I write in.

But not everyone who reads, is a fan of my life choices. Not like I don't know that ... hell, some of them I AM NOT A FAN OF. It is, however messy or unpleasant, my life.

Now, Miss Alainueus is a local blogger/reader, who is a teacher somewhere in the Metro area. I would not mind meeting her, just to take a picture and say that I have met her. Yes, I am a fan of hers, because she teaches and I have the utmost respect for teachers. I should have taught, because that is what I wanted to do. Going to A&T to get a business degree, while a good idea, wasn't a passion.

So I think teachers are dreamy, the same way people think of firemen and police officers. Doesn't mean I am obsessed or anything. Now, she may be a reader of my mess, but that doesn't mean that she likes me.

Twice, since I have started keeping my journal on line, readers have suggested that I try to meet her. Once last year, and recently, someone urged me to get together with her again. So I dutifully emailed her, and she politely but firmly said no.

No worries, she said no. I have heard 'no' before, and it hasn't killed me ... yet!

I read her journal. She went out, and had some fun. The kind of fun that I wished that I could have. Even when I am 'out', I am almost always alone, and I don't have the same kind of adventure that she described on a trip she took to Chicago.

I thought that I couched my 'why' neatly and in a way that she wouldn't find offensive. Because I didn't want to know 'why' because she didn't want to go out with me, but because I wanted to know what I should look for, so that I COULD have a night like that. I even mentioned that I wasn't trying to be clever or trying to get personal, but I had hoped ...

... well, THAT didn't matter. She lit me up, hitting me with both barrels. And given my particular state at the start of this month ... it had me do something 'squirrely'.

I wrote about it to another online friend ... why, I don't know. So perhaps I have succeed in alienating TWO of my online friends. Not only that, it has sent me into a rut. I think that the person I wrote, did not apprieciate my intrusion, either.

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

It means that I am going to cut back my online stuff. Fewer comments, and fewer blogs read. All this stuff is clutter anyway.

March ... the ides of March. Time to get a Cinnabon, and call it a day!

GETTING OFF DRAMA ISLAND

THIS ISN'T ABOUT ANYTHING

A segment that doesn't relate directly to anything, but as the kids say, "It is what it is."

Monday February 23rd, AKA and I hung out over her parents house ... she had been blue over the previous weekend, and I went by to cheer her up. It would help, I thought, to let her know that I was thinking about her.

I know that she is in love with me. But I am not in love with her.

Our issues match up poorly, and this week was example #1 of that. I went visit her, as she was at home and her parents were out of town. Besides, as I knew she was feeling poorly, I aimed to help her feel cheered.

Unfortunately, I was in the start of a 'less than good' week. Missing my keys and some of my personal effects ... when I shouldn't have. I am trying to develop my personal habits, and somehow the stuff went 'missing'. Visiting AKA was not the best thing for me.

Her 'complications' mixed badly with mine. She is looking for commiseration, and indulges in pity. For me, I think I have to fight against that. Things are going to happen with me, and I have chosen to 'rage, rage, against the dying of the night'.

I was very critical of her. Told her what is the central point of this entry, that even though I care about her, we match up poorly. She feels compelled to invite pity on her, and I can't do that.

We really are cut from a similar cloth. Great potential, great hopes instilled in us, and very good starts. But somewhere in the process, we fell off, simple as that. We have dealt with our under achievements in different ways.

I use mine to keep me motivated to continue on, striving and hopeful. AKA, in my opinion, is buried and lost from not finding her way, and is lost. She invites sympathy, as if that alone will make her lack of achievement better. She sets unrealistic goals, unrealistic not because of their reach, but because she won't take the steps to make them become a reality.

And like the Mike Singletary drum I have been beating lately, people like that, "I can't coach with, can't play with, I can't win with".

Period.

... haven't we seen this movie before?

She reminds me of 'Jenny', from 'Forest Gump'. The drama that she brought in my life was damaging. The way that I called and called after her, and how she ignored my calls, had me concerned. I broke my protocol, and went after her, several times riding by her house to see if she was at her parents.

Last night, her Mom and Dad came home, and she was 'up and at 'em'. Which is all I wanted to see as the relief in me was washing over me in waves ... Now, I still will have a relationship with her, but it will definitely be curbed.

I am going to let her go off on her own. The relationship parameters have changed, permanently.

About Tee Jay

Now, my issue with her is this ... there is a way you act to show that you are receptive to someone, and then there are behaviours you choose when you aren't that interested in someone.

Doesn't matter why to me, but that IT IS. I don't think that calling her to have her 'stiff arm' me with stilted, forced conversation is something I am interested in. The few times we have spoken over the phone, that is what I felt. Same as far as when we were together. The 'fairies' that were present when we first went out, took the day off when we got together this time ...

Not to say that I don't feel the same way about her that I have always have, but I wonder what she feels about me, and just as important, what direction she is going in with her life. If her realistic goals are compatible with mine.

That she wants an H3 ...

There is going to be some mission creep, but I will do what I have to in order to avoid it. Nixxie says she would let me hang while I visited KT in Carolina, which is a contrast to Sandie, who wants me to do it on my own. So that is that with that. Perhaps something will happen on the backside of visiting KT ... I have to go thru Atlanta anyway. But if Sandie gives me grief, I won't worry about it.

Did email her a sparse, to the point note. Told her it wasn't an option me staying somewhere in Atlanta alone. Will give her a week, then think about how I am going to get to Carolina to visit.

Just a Word

Nebraska sent a letter stating that her relationship has been patched up, and that I overlooked her informing me of the repair.

No, I didn't.

On the 16th, she let me know that they were at odds. Earlier that week, she told me that she wanted me to 'cool' my 'sweet nothings' in our conversations and mail. So honestly, she hasn't made me aware of anything regarding her and her relationship.

I am noting this, because she thinks that she let me know that things are stable with her love life. That is fine. I didn't know that things were stabilized, and that is good for her.

Don't want to read too much into things, but I think it could be a case of 'the lady doth protest too much'. I have already let Tim know that I am going to move his way, and that is another step for me. Letting people know what I am going to do, is a big thing for me, a huge step.

That is about it. Getting ready to go out to eat with The Fly Skimmie. Think that will complete my 'home stand'.

MID MONTH ISSUES

Nebraska is going thru some 'stuff', and I broke the protocol she had established. Guess that means she is going to be sore with me. Que sera ... but will know more when I do hear from her again.

AKA is back, and is actually running well ... for someone who isn't going to win. I do not care at all for one of her brothers, and other than her Mom, I don't find myself particularly fond of her peeps. With her being close to her family, why should I enter a 'them or me' kind of relationship? Oh, that is just one of what are several issues I have with her, and they exclude any issues she would have to deal with in dealing with me.

Tee Jay ... still running second, but it is more like the 'who cares' second place in the AFC West in the '08 football season ... 8-8 San Diego won the divison but New England at 11-5 missed the playoff ... so who cares what the second place team in the West did, because it was nowhere near good enough to merit consideration for anything. What is it called ... oh yeah, ALSO RAN.

As to Nebraska ... I am still going to look for tickets for the late April - early May window I was originally looking at for a visit. It makes personal sense, and when she starts back talking with me, I will let her know that, hassle free. If it is a problem for her, then honestly, may have to scrub the whole thing.

The New Year

I am still stoked about it!



Think ol' Nebraska is feeling a little bit jealous or something. Haven't spoken to her, to find out. And the medium leaves something to be desired. Should I call, or should I just leave well enough alone? I am going to IM her, and leave it at that.



AKA, is still as confusing as ever. We have words, go apart, and then she wants to set up closer to me ... and I let her. Don't know what is going to happen next month, with Valentine's and all.



And the reason for that, is Tee Jay and I are supposed to be getting together. I am going to pick out a place, I want to go to the Whitney, but it remains to be seen. Merriweather's is a fine place too. I want to save that place for Nebraska, should she ever visit, or just keep it for me!

There really isn't nothing to report. Mission Creep has begun of sorts, but I am going to nip that in the bud. I am still going to focus on having a strong first quarter of the year, and then look forward to my away trips.