THE PAST IS A DEAD ANIMAL

A (or is it THE) reason that I don't like feeling pity for myself is that I look at it as a sign of disrespect to the life that I did have and of those who have had to do with less and accomplished more. I hadn't ever asked, or hardly ever asked, 'why me?', you know what I am saying? I mean, why did I have to get picked on and why did I have to be on the outside of social groups and float around. 'The area between cliques is where I dare', I would say in an effort to make light of what I was going through. It would have been nice to be on the 'ins' of something.

Sorry if you are looking for specific 'incidents', but sometimes my memory is heretical to itself, you know? I do remember what I FELT and that is more than enough. I recall the stings and the barbs growing up of being pushed around and eventually out of the loop. Don't ever recall missing or questioning why it had to be that way. Back then I didn't get deep with that stuff like Jacques Cousteau. I made a choice that it was the way that it was for a reason and I figured I would find out later why, if I needed to know. Put on my Smiths and Cure records and let them melancholy me to sleep...

For a long time I have found clever and pithy sayings to keep me moving forward through all the trying times that I have faced. But right now, I am running out of them... not so much as running out, but getting worn out having to find the resolve to push myself forward yet again.

Lately, the need to ask 'what if's' has popped in and around my head over time. Hey, I am human too. Comes with the territory. For the most part, I've thought about it and moved on... when it came to 'getting over things', I have gotten over them.

Right now, the memory of what once was and could have been is almost too much for me to bear. More that the memory of what the past FELT LIKE is. And all those possiblities... where did it all go?

I think back to seeing that kid I from Carolina, only now he was the contender and had done the very things that I talked with him about, and how he offered me a job as a sparring partner. The reason that I didn't take that job was less about ego and more about the feeling that I had cheated myself out of being 'him'. To watch him 'be me' was too 'Eddie Kane' for me (you know the scene in the movie 'The Five Heartbeats', where he asks Flash, 'How does it feel to be me?') and I couldn't take the job. 'Being cool' with the boss would have been too much like the sycophant to me. Not to mention the resentment.

"Why... why wasn't 'it' me?", I would have been asking of no one in particular. For me, asking that would have meant the would come an answer echoing back in the darkness of my imagination. And I don't like asking the question because I KNOW that I would have liked the answer even less.

There was a review of a couple of books about Ayn Rand in the Post last Sunday... and while I have heard the stuff before about her as a person, like I do reading thru journals, I see pieces of her imperfections and again I wonder... not at her failings but how she was able to achieve despite what she did despite them.

EVER WONDER WHAT IF HE PUSHED THE BOULDER UP A DIFFERENT HILL..?

A cat that I know from my days as a boxer posted something interesting about the time he wasted sulking over someone he broke up with. He mentioned that he almost always got an opportunity to have a 'second chance' with them. So I guess that was time he wasted, wanting for something with them because he would eventually have that chance with whoever.

His use of the block of time struck me... 17 to 35 ... because from that range in MY life, if I didn't do ANYTHING I know that I wasn't worried about someone who I split with. Regular readers know that I feel that way about my life. Messing around in the moldy, yellowed pages of my past never appealed to me.

It took until I was 35 for me to even think twice about wanting someone from a past relationship... and I wanted to find out what the fuss was all about. Yeah, I was still hung over Tee Jay but as much as I pined over her, I couldn't take the plunge and go after her. Why, when I had told myself that she meant the world to me and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her..?

Because I felt as though I 'gave at the office' the first time. I didn't hold back while we were together. And that pretty much covers how I feel about all of my past relationships. Sure, some of the ladies did deserve better from me, but they didn't get it. But since this isn't about them, what do you want me to do?

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN 'CONFIRMED' AND 'VERIFIED'

Sometimes, I sit around and I feel broken. I mean I AM broken, for real though. That is physical not in spirit. I am still the 'same kind of stupid' that I was when I left home for the service. The issue I have with all this is, what happened between 'there' and 'here'.

Nebraska has really let it be known to me how she feels. I used to think that she was hiding how she felt about me. If she didn't feel deeply about me, then she held on to how MY feelings made her feel towards the possiblity that we'd be a item. Now, it seems that she cares more about me than I even hoped. She wants to live the rest of her life with me and sharing love with me.