Developments

I think that the SFC is struggling with the new parameters to our relationship. Or maybe I am reading something that isn't really there.

We had some nasty Jamaican rum and tried to talk things out. She wanted to know what about her that was like 'fingernails on the chalkboard' for me.

Like with most everyone I have ever 'liked', I don't have a discernible trait or habit that bothers me about them. Maybe it is because I have a need to be accepted and that prompts my malleability, but since that has been 'always', don't know what doing nitpicking about people will do for me now. Anywho, I look at it as an extension of my desire to 'a yes, a no, a straight line' objective.

If there was anything for me to say, it would be a slight envy and the feeling that whenever I have tried to live my life, I allowed for it to be interrupted. That is what had me identify the 'Darkhorse component' to my life. But instead of it being the unknown change of direction for my life, I do think that it was meant to test my willingness to pursue what direction I really wanted.

Then end of next month is when I will explore with her my intentions to go out west and move to Omaha. I won't beat her over the head with it, but the next time she starts a conversation about 'us' (which is redundant, because what else do we have to talk about?) I hope to have something for her.

Which is not to say that I usually don't or that I will be making things up. She pointed out that as much as I do talk about my feelings and as well as I do express myself, I don't say much about the crux of things. She wanted to hear what gets to me about her, like the way I eat gets to her. Not big things, but pet peeves.

I don't remember situations that happened while we were stationed together, but I do remember the feeling. She inadvertently describe it, when she talk of how I roll my eyes and says, "Yes SFC," and get with the program.

My counter was that is how I remember our relationship when we were kids. This is NOT how I am with other people. Making an example of my ex wife, I told her the way that we mix as people we would always be at opposite sides of the table. Nothing particular about her. She isn't the only 'urban woman' I have dated. Tee Jay is at her level and we got along very well.

That is part of our chemistry.

The way we relate to each other is due to our chemistry. What is different now is that we are together and around each other in a way that had never been explored. As I write, I am trying to think of things that she does that bothers me... but I can't. Whatever got to me has been digested and is now part of the shared state we are in.

I guess with the problem not being about 'her', it is harder to express. How can you tell someone that you want to pursue the things that you feel you have been interrupted from chasing after? And that while she was indirectly a part of that, you never felt comfortable shouldering full responsibility, even though you know that you did it all to yourself?

That thought, that thinking gets twisted up tighter than the Gordian knot it represents in my life. One of several which I have never managed to unwind. At this stage of my life, I don't see the benefit of unraveling them either.

Everyone else has managed to move on and make something of themselves and their lives. The twins are the latest to leap frog and get to their own 'next level'. I don't want to die on this floor. I want to do something more meaningful with my life.

And really, isn't that what going west is really about? Writing that book, going to school and helping in the community? I don't want anyone to struggle to pay for my funeral and I want to leave a better legacy to my daughter than 'my Dad, yeah, he lived.'

I want them to be able to say that he was something more than an absentee father and has been boxer. I want them to say he wrote, he taught and he loved them and was loved in his community.

It makes sense to me to move where I think I will find my peace and love them from there. Host grandchildren and go to weddings from there...