HAPPY WEEKEND ..?

 

One of the things I am doing is adjusting my attitude and personal profile, so that I can identify the things I need to change in myself. I happen to legitimately like the person that I am, and though I do need to get things together, it isn't that I am totally lost, and there is no panic and we aren't throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

 

Don't know if Mookie is going to come off the ring easily. It is okay by me, as the asking for it back is something that I am not sure I would have done a lifetime ago. She actually said that we will talk about that face to face, which I am not really wanting to do. And that means that it is EXACTLY what I should do. How many times the things that we NEED to do are dressed up as something difficult? Obviously there are some more lessons that I need to learn, that will serve me elsewhere. So I will make sure to be at my best in talking with her regarding the ring. I also hope to speak frankly with lil' Mook as well.

 

Bottom line. No worries.

 

ARE YOU SURE IT ISN'T GLASS ..?

 

Or twigs ..? Or perhaps straw ..? I mean, what IS your house made of ..?

 

There are things that I need to do differently, things I need to approach differently. But change is small and it is slow. It isn't all that complex nor is it immediately visible. That is what makes getting back into my general 'fighting shape' has reminded me. November is long ago NOW, but there were plenty of days I was still heavy.  Change in charater and attitude is not too different from the change your body undergoes when trying to become fit. When I talked with Hutch, he wondered aloud about some of what I shared with him, even remarking that some of what I looked forward isn't something he thought was going to benefit me in the short or long run.  But that is alright, because he ISN'T me, and the difference in how I think and act isn't something that comes right out and says 'WOW' like a new hair style or a new suit.

 

I am different. Reading from my first garbled entries, to my more coherent ones, I KNOW I am growing. That is what I am going to deal from, the growth and continued maturation that I am making. Late ..? Maybe, but better that it happens than not at all.

 

Last week, I had a serious talk with AKA. I told her quite bluntly that I wasn't up for games, and I have a zero tolerance for her normal ambiguity. The ignition point was, I called her and she got a little miffed at me. So I let her get over it, and I spoke to her. I asked if she was still mad, and she said 'No'. The conversation promptly stalled, as I found myself without conversation. I then said, "AKA, I am going to let you go", and she replied with an "O-o-o-k-a-y-y", you know the kind you give when you really want to talk more with someone.

 

I stopped her. I first asked if she had something she wanted to say, if she wanted to continue the conversation. The she tried to 'reflect' things, tellin me that I was the one who wanted to call things off. So I go, "Look, when we first started to hang out, your little phone coyness was something I dealt with. It isn't that I can't deal with it as much as I don't want to anymore. The pregnant pauses and the uncertain answers, hey, I am a smart enough guy. If it isn't something I can figure out in short order, I am going to be done with it."

 

"You can do that stuff with some other cat, but hey, it isn't about whether I like you or not as much as I don't want to put up with that stuff. I simply won't. The quotes I keep clinging to, my 'Rules To Live By' that I have, my LIFE EXPERIENCE, I have wondered when I am going to make that worth something ... and I have decided that it is now."

"I don't want to spend the last half of my life asking 'what if I ...' in regards to the things I already know. For instance, when I ask you a basic question, and you reply with some indefinite utterance, okay, I will bite and ask you again. BUT when you come back with the same ol' stuff, I am like 'cool', mark that down and then I can in clear conscious be done with you."

 

"Guessing at what someone thinks or feels isn't what I want the rest of my life to be about. Working with and from what I know, that is what I want to start doing, and it is never to late to begin now. When we used to hang, and you would 'play' this game, I would go on, stay on the phone, let you drop in or come by your place, the inference being that you wanted my company in some way."

 

"I have told you my goals. Now my question to you, is do you think that the crap you do is going to fit into my mindset? Because historically, I've told you that I didn't like that crap. And for me it is going to be a little more simple. I am going to do what I do, and let everything else be. And that includes you."

 

"Are you a little hurt? Well, I am a 'little sorry'. I still think I can achieve some of what I want out of my life, and playing kiddie emotional games runs counter to reaching them. So, consider this your ONE. As to what happens next, my 'I don't care' isn't like yours, because I want to live the things that I say. I won't deal in mixed messages. What you say is what you say. So if you hear me tell you 'I don't care', then believe that I am as close to that as I can possibly get. I am not going to play with you, and I am not going to deal with you, if you pull this crap that you have pulled with me before."

 

"Because, 'I don't need you', is a phrase that cuts both ways."

 

HOW ABOUT ME BEING 'RIGHT' FOR A CHANGE ..?

 

Which is another thing that I am going to solidify in my mind.

People are quick to tell you what YOU can't do, because they haven't tried it, or that they failed or were too timid to attempt. Even when they couch it with 'I can't see how people ...', all they are saying is that 'You are crazy, and if you think you can do that kind of stuff, you ain't got no sense!'

 

And they are usually as correct as that sentence is proper grammar.

 

The way I see it, I can for the simple reason I have decided that I can. The factors that need to be present are no different than ones that are there for those who accomplish the things they set out to do. The things necessary to scale a mountain are the same that need to be present when you dive to the depths of the ocean. Though there are different ways to reach the top, but there almost always seem to be some elements that seem to be present in all 'success' stories, that there was a lot of hard work and a deep, profound believe in oneself.

 

What I want, is what I WANT. Period. I have set my goal. Shouldn't infringe on anyone else, but hey, if it does, oh well. Where I am determined to go, is just that, and no one other than me can change that. Hip Hop, ghetto minded folks like that 'let me do me, and you do you' phrase.

Okay. I will bite. BUT just do you, okay? I am going to do me, and I will be just fine, you watch ..!

Secruity Plans and Operations

SECURITY, PLANS and OPERATIONS

… but first, a melancholy moment.

Last night, lil’ Mook had to rush from school and run thru the shower and change for a church function. She rushed getting herself together, and she stopped long enough to ask me for some pocket change …

… later that night, we were both down in our ‘cave’, poking fun at each other. I am really going to miss her, deeply. The growth in her approach to life that I know is because of my influence. She has been drilled in ‘thinking beyond the moment’ and for a teen, does so consistently. I had explained to her Mother, it is hard for me to tell her ‘no’, not because I am easy, but when someone does all of the things you could ask of them before they make their case, you risk becoming a hypocrite if you can’t find a legitimate reason to say ‘no’.

She knows that whenever she comes to me with a problem or a request, it is going to be reasoned out before we get to a conclusion. So our conversations are engaged and lively. I haven’t been able to ‘raise’ a child, and this is the closest I have come. To have been able to get her thru high school and guide her into college ( A&T..? Carolina Central ..? Virginia Union ..?), then I would claim this a ‘win’.

I went to bed with that on my mind … Mookie mentioned something about me “… mumbling in my sleep,” which my sibs used to joke me about as children. No doubt I was thinking, and luckily I didn’t mention any names! I have been doing a lot of riding on the back up bike, and I mean a lot, but today was ‘run’ day, as things have changed.

The tape I popped in, was ANCIENT. I was still a real good boxer, that is how old it is! But the song today that caught my ear, “Single” by Everything But The Girl, stuck in my mind. It captured in full, the emotions that a swirling around this house. Still not sure if Mookie is ‘sure’ that she wants this to end, and that is part of our overall problem. The ol’ husband and wife play, NO COMMUNITCATION. When the song came on, I ‘heard’ it as I ran, and given with what I was feeling along with current developments … well, here goes.

SECURITY, PLANS and OPERATIONS

I think I have been a little ‘loose’ with how I am handling things on my end. Though being here for Mother’s day is a drag, having to be convenient for someone else is bothersome. One of the things I had hoped to avoid was a ‘didi mow’ kind of dust-off from here. I have earned my stripes, and deserve to be able to gather myself to go. But that wouldn’t be an ‘official’ break-up. The friendship stuff will happen down the line. Now is the time for hard feelings, rough choices, vision obscured by the haze of heartache.

Too early to say if there really will be any contact after I go home. Because of what I know of her history and her character, I don’t expect for her to do what it would take just to talk, let alone win me back. As to that, I don’t like for people to put themselves out like that, you know? If I want to be a part of something with you, I will come with you. But it will be my decision. Mookie wouldn’t be the first person that I have told, “You’re cool and stuff, but no, I don’t want to see you again,”.

I wouldn’t want lil’ Mook to feel obligated to me, but I do aim to write her, and send her cards. I remember the previous camper, and I could see in her eyes that she missed him. I can walk that line, between her and her Mom. My mad isn’t like your mad, and the saying about ‘revenge being a dish …’ is true. It would be to my pleasure, as it is with my first wife, to be seen as the wonderful cat that you let go …

Lil’ Mook’s letter has been drafted. I will write one for Mookie sometime this weekend. From here on out, I won’t be too concerned with anything other than my objective, which is to get out of here. Period. That my Dad is looking at Wednesday as the day he comes and gets me. That actually works out fine, as my bike is in the shop, and hopefully will be done by then. I do have a ‘dust-off’ scenario, but I am not looking forward to that.

I will be ‘dark’ for the next few days, as I have made up my mind. I am going to leave without nagging regrets, the kind that make you look back. Healing will begin as soon I as I shut the door for the last time, and that step will be the first of my next journey.