TACTICAL
I have been feeling as good as I am looking! It has been such a gap between here and the brooding moods of the past that I can honestly sit here and believe that I am living the life that I have always been purposed to live. That is what this year is really all about for me… finding and living out my purpose.
There was a recent story on NPR Morning Edition about purpose and one of the theories about purpose is that having a purpose helps a person deal with stress. I immediately thought back to my early amateur boxing career and how I hoped that the nickname, “Showtime” would stick. The thing about it being appropriate for me wasn’t that I was flashy or anything, but that I would always show up at a boxing card ready to fight and do well! In training I would often experiment and try different strategies in sparring sessions, often looking less-than-good. But usually things would all begin to come together the last week or so of training and by “showtime”, the day of the fight, I would look like a future champ when my bout would take place! I would tell people that I was “pressure-proof”, and was especially true in my early adulthood (which my first wife apparently took as a challenge..!)
At any rate, the story talked about how living with a sense of purpose and direction was an important factor, along with social connections and generally being happy, that may lead to living a longer longer life. I am (essentially) going through my life without establishing any strong social connections, and while my being a very happy camper has to ameliorate my lack of social connectivity when it comes to health benefits, it still contradicts with what many think of when it comes to “authentically happiness”. This has lead to my own doubts as to whether I am truly happy (or is it that the story that I am telling myself… that I am happy in spite of...) or not I will make it out of my 40’s(negotiated quite well thus far, if I say so myself), to say nothing of my 50’s. In fact, I have already told myself that I have been living in “extra time”, like at the end of a soccer match when you know the game is essentially over and the few minutes left can end at any moment. But since I have been in Omaha, I have slowly began to feel differently about my long-term future…
I want to take a trip to Chicago… and I want to visit friends in, “gulp”, New Jersey. I want to see the Carolina Women get married and I want to convince Skye to let me out of limbo. I want to get my degree, and possibly find something to get a Master’s in, who knows? Nothing is really in any order, just things that I want to do. In fact, I may even go overseas and travel somewhere because that is a thing and I may meet someone who hasn’t “left the block”, so to speak, and going somewhere internationally is on their “want-to-do” list and I would want to help them fulfill that desire!! At any rate, there is enough going on in my life looking forward that would cover my seeming lack of social connection and I am not going to worry about my “friendship” status. I am not into inauthentic experiences and making facile connections is not in my oeuvre. That is the main reason I am particular about social networks… I don’t even want someone to reach out to me just because they know my name. There has to be something tangible to for me to want that connection, savvy?
THE PAST IS PROLOGUE
What makes Tee Jay unique in my life, love or otherwise, is that I would have loved to have gotten a second chance with her. I am not going to talk about how much I miss and pine for her as I am going to reaffirm why I don’t pursue old partners. The main reason (which along with any of the multitude associate reasons, is ALWAYS the main reason and always is reason enough for not worrying about someone from the past) that I don’t want a second chance with anyone or pretty much anything, is to have changed those events would have altered innumerable subsequent events that are as priceless and meaningful to me that I would have to wonder why would I have wanted anything different?
Even the dregs of my excursion in my past, dealing with Mookie Dee, becoming reaquainted with Tee Jay, spending time with the SFC, and finally getting to meet Nebraska, were all experiences with relationships that I really must have wanted to revisit… because that is what happened. And while the account with Tee Jay is still “open”, the conclusiveness with which the others have been closed were already predicted by the very past from which they emerged.
The SFC and I did not get at each other as horny teens a million miles away from home and in an alien culture… she was my first best friend as an adult, and I place the highest of regard on being called “a friend”... and I would have gladly had done anything for her. If she wanted me to be a part of her life, part of her future, I had no other choice but to take that chance that she was the outlier, proving and testing my theories and beliefs. When she found me on the social network and proposed that we see if we could be together, I could not say “no”... and besides, I always had predicted that a long shot, a Dark Horse would come into my life. And one did.
Mookie Dee was simply Mookie Dee… again, that was a relationship where the sentiment from our teenage years could not have been of more help to move it along, and even then, those residual emotions could not nurture things along between us. So it was prolly a relationship best left to our respective pasts, our own memories. But together, those two relationships confirmed and validated not only my philosophy, but my purpose as well. In short order, I cemented my feelings and opinions about those who for whatever reason have no use for me in their lives. There is no hard feelings, but more importantly, very little regret. And so I go on (and I don’t stop..!).
I have taken to posting my workouts on Facebook and as I study for my trainer’s certification, I will likely talk about the information that I find here in my blog as well. A particular an area that has become of particular focus to me is plugging the “energy leaks” from bad form and poor execution of an exercise. It is a process that resembles how I look at my life and from the clutter in my apartment, my studies in academics, up to and through my social life, I have energy leaks that are can degrade my way of life, both in the long and short term.
Nebraska and I went on a run together recently. It had been rescheduled but we finally got it in, and it was not too bad. But something that isn’t “too bad” also isn’t “too good”, and that was the feeling I was left with after our time together, that while the feelings I had from being with her weren’t “bad”, neither were they “good”. Don’t get me wrong… it was a positive experience for me, overall,going out and running with a partner. But the whole “ex-list” era has been over for a few years and the prejudices that I held prior to opening myself up to trying to find a stable relationship with a former love have only been made stronger.
I don’t know how accurately attributed the dreaded “If you can’t deal at my worst…” quote is, but if you are a woman who digs this ideal, well, f*ck you. Who the heck wants to be bothered by with trying to engage with an egotistical sociopath anyway? Geez Louise!! What makes the quote so interminable and mind-numbingly stupid is the utter lack of regard that it has for the other person. And this kind of self-centeredness is a clear sign that this is a person who should be avoided, and that this is a relationship that is best kept as a shallow as possible. By their own admission, they are someone who Coach Singletary simply “could not coach with”, because everything that they want you to be cool with is the antithesis of being a good partner, a good teammate. Neither could I abide by a friendship that had one looking out for more than what is equal and fair. I cannot reiterate strongly enough… f*ck that person.
The reason that this crap quote has been popping up recently is due to a few of Facebook posts that either allude to, or speak of it verbatim in a post. It really harks back to the old tropes about the “flakiness” of women, how “emotional” they can be. So instead of being an assertion of strength, it repeats the inherent flaws of being a female, the ones that keep them from masculine jobs and positions, that keeps them from roles of leadership and beneath the glass ceiling.
Anywho… along with insipid post, there are these nuggets that makes me want to give the person posting it a dope slap:
I don’t think that women consider how much bullcrap they invite upon themselves. Pecan Sandie has really grated on my nerves since I got back from Carolina for KT’s graduation. She won’t talk about certain negative issues on her end of our relationship (which has been an “all the time thing”, contributing mightily to our fail), which is now evidence that her Mom does not give one f*ck about Lexxie and I having any kind of a relationship. She did not give her the messages that I left for her while I was in the area of operations, and I would gather that the possibility exists that she has been regularly pissing on my calls and perhaps letters as well. There has not been a moment in time where I have considered myself anything exceptional as a parent… but c’mon… give a smurf a break, won’t you?
No longer do I believe that Lexxie’s concerns that I don’t have the same kind of feelings toward her is merely because of my approach, but I dare not make the case about her Grandmother sabotaging things… because the trump in the deck is that I bailed on both her and Sandie, and I am eternally a sh*thead for doing that. While I get that, what I don’t need is any of the involved parties deliberately sabotaging my efforts at being a part of my daughter’s life.
Meanwhile…
I was admonished by Pecan Sandie about my comments, often expressing contriteness at having contributed to her unfortunate relationship experiences, and being hopeful for her chances at finding a lasting and deeply felt relationship with a partner. Okay, I won’t post on her woeful posts, especially since I REALLY KNOW how she is. Case in point:
FB family, not every share or post means I'm going through it. Sometimes a post may be just good advice that needs to be passed along and commented on. Lighten up. I'M GUCCI - heck I'm better than Gucci, I'm VERSACE! — feeling wonderful.
She posted this a few days ago, and since our conversation was near the beginning of the month, I am going to take a poke and say that I am not the only one who is concerned about what she shares. Then, two days after the above feed smog , came this:
why don't things ever go like you plan?
· Share 2 people like this
- WTF?!? What would make someone “like” a post like this?!?OS
- PS friend just the way life is sometimes its best it didnt due you wouldnt see the lesson it brings love you
- Pecan Sandie Ain't no lesson other than don't plan S#$%!
I can’t help it… I just cram to under-- wait, I don’t… I DON’T cram to understand you, nor to I try to understand anyone who cannot justify or support claims made, desires express, or whatever the heck you are proposing. In this instance, you are supposed to make the purchase of a ticket on the “pity-mobile” and ride around the curves with her… but remember, she told me that I needed to check my postings on her feed…
