GETTING CLOSER AND CLOSER
Next week I will get a chance to have a face to face with my ex-wife. I don't think there is much she can do to prevent my child support from being adjusted, so I hope to talk with her a bit. She has ignored all my attempts to contact her but to be fair, I don't recall her address and I have long ago misplaced both her and Skye's phone number.
Remembering how upset she was with BJ's dad and his lack of interest in her for most of her life, I am really surprised that she let our daughter 'opt out' of our relationship. I understand why we don't have one with her being a teenager... she prolly would have done so anyway. But when she was a preteen, that was shocking. I recall my Mother telling us that we had the option and her not interfering by talking trash about our Dad. My ex-wife has not been so forgiving. She doesn't encourage or foster a relationship and she does bad mouth me. The only time that she didn't was when she was married and I was single. Skye and I got along better, though not famously. We had promise.
I still hold out hope for me and Skye.
Nebraska is very hopeful and expectant of my arrival. I have to admit that her enthusiasm is definitely showing, reminiscent of her anticipation of meeting me in Chicago. Going on what I know of her, I think that her 'leaks' are not planned but more like her letting herself feel the way she really wants to feel about us. I need to find out what I am going to feel about ME.
Some of what I worry about, like the physicality and intimacy of our relationship to deeper and more critical operational issues between us, should be a part of what we are actually discussing now, but I haven't been able to find the words to start that conversation.
BY THE TIME I GET TO...
...Omaha, I need to be ready to work very, very hard. I know that I am going to have to be willing to push myself beyond any limits that I may think I have if I am going to establish a strong relationship with my girl and acomplish a measure of the life I have stumbled around.
One of the things I have to establish is boundaries. I know that I am not feeling anyone from my family. I want to write them off as a loss and go from there. Nebraska has shown indications that she would not look kindly on that, as if it is an indicator of a deeper flaw in me, perhaps.
Also I need to KNOW what I am doing with myself so that I don't get off track. I see myself going to school around the calendar year, taking courses in the summer to make up for courses that I know I won't be talking during the regular terms. I don't want to find myself bogged down trying to go to class as if I am an 18-year old.
Will check on my FAFSA stuff so that there won't be any problems come January when I expect to start school. And I will look at college as a middle distance run... too much energy to sprint out for and the longer run with the urgency of a 800 meter run.
Later, I hope to figure out the anticipated paremeters of the relationship I look forward to have with Nebraska.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
FINDING OUT FOR YOURSELF
Discussing life, love, and the pursuit of what passes for individual happiness, with the girl once know as my B.F.F at work, I talked about my desire to conclude my 'career' as a single man. I was what I called 'stuck' on Tee Jay and was quite content with my run. There weren't too many things that I hadn't experienced in the relationships that I have had with women. What I didn't know was the fulfillment of a continuous, loving relationship that was mutually satisfying for both parties.
Even though whatever relationship I have had was filled with it's ups and downs, I was under the impression that I had left enough on the table that was worth revisiting. Also, I had come to dread what had become the inevitable explaining how I came to have the interests that I do. The cultural stereotyping doesn't end with race differences. The most withering form of it comes from within a culture and I think that the black social network is particularly stifling.
Or so it has been for me. Facing the same kinds of questions and expectations of why I did or didn't like this or why I was or wasn't into that, had become very much an unwanted burden. It seems as though I was on the defensive for being who it is that I am and that it was necessary for me to prove what I wasn't... an 'oreo' or like my sister Jan, a self loathing black person.
There is a lot of irony in my having to prove that I am 'black enough' for other blacks. You don't have to 'want to be white' to self-hate. Putting an ear in the ground, the disposition is there to be heard among the brothers every day. Eating in at McDonald's, you get to see how it plays out even among the 'club members and kool-aid drinkers'. Courtesy, professionalism, efficient service, were missing though it may have been anticipated by the customers inside the restaurant and in the drive-thru.
A Mother and her son were in high spirits for the morning and I enjoyed their interaction. I had wanted to ask if he was her only child, to explain why they relationship was more like best friends than an adversarial relationship. I thought back to my own relationship with my Mom and that it was around this age where it took its turn.
I thought to myself, "I wonder how long that will last for them?" If he were an only child, it could stretch out forever and never end. He could go on and continue to make her proud of him and he keep on with striving to make something of himself. He could go on and go straight to college and get a good job and become a stable young man, eventually finding a wife and starting a family.
What ever it was that he would be, I'd never know. Despite my wishing that I had the kind of relationship with my Mother that made it seem as though we were good friends instead of respectful opposition that we were, I have to find a way to let go of that. It never happened and she has gone on to wherever it you go after death, if there is anywhere to go.
That uncertainty places a premium on the here and now.
A brother around my age, maybe younger by a bit or older, made the comment about why 'our people' were in such a state of fail. We don't seem to grasp the idea of professionalism and working at doing our job regardless of what it was. And I understood where he was coming from at the time. Despite the 'through the motions' politeness, it was grating, the seeming disconnect between the customer and the worker.
While I have decided to make a point of not engaging in this kind of spontaneous conversation, I did speak on why I think that is. He was pressing for time and did not want a drawn out discussion either, but for the most part we saw eye to eye as to why 'we' aren't able to function and how it contrasts with to what we observe in other cultures here in America. Being able to keep the conversation short was important to me. Not that I am unfriendly or anything but I don't want to sound like I am anything to anybody until I am more of what I need to be to myself. What I think and how I see and interpret the world is my own business and there is much for me to do before I start sharing what I know about living in the world.
My main journal was on my mind... and all the whining that I am doing in it. Some of it is due to an organic anxiety and impatience with myself. I am finally going to have one of the great demons in my life struck a critical blow if not slain completely. I wonder if the mail that went ahead of me isn't confirmation of my case being processed and that my appearance next week in court is unneeded. That is how earlier motions were handled for expiedency sake, I imagine. An appearance tying up space on the court docket when all the information is at hand makes my appearance unneed. A thumb up or down process would cover the motions and that would be that.
What would be my next step? Am I really going to manage to act only in my own self interest and do what I need to do just for me? I don't expect anyone to understand and the SFC least of all. Has she really had feelings for me for the past two decades and was unable to act on them because of the fickle fates of life?
Stuff like that remained undiscussed between us and they sit without being broached now. Even as we continue to either talk or text one another daily, yesterday was the closest one of those off limits conversations came to being held between us.
I told her that I did not want to talk about it... and I didn't, not with her. Why I didn't want to let go of what I am holding onto, is that it is also going to be my salvation. My holding onto this 'whatever' is going to be what I used to climb back into the life that I had at one time hoped for. It is attached to the same things that holds my seething bellicosity towards my sisters, which was again confirmed with Twin B visit with her fiance and daughter in tow.
Some of this is prolly better for a therapy session but failing that... I am bothered with her man resembling so many of my better qualities and how she acted against me at within our relationship. Instead of being my best sister, she became my Judas Iscariot. Because I wouldn't expect to be believed why would I bring it up? Even with it being fairly obvious, she wouldn't want to hear any of it.
And what little he said of himself... he was given a choice of serving in the Army or becoming a statistic in the criminal justice system. Perhaps there was some air inflating that statement but I understood what he meant. I had hoped that the service would do so many things for me and I wasn't able to get the most out of it. But Shorty Mac was and so did the SFC. And that warrants the question, why didn't I get out of the Army as much as I hoped..?
Only the Shadow knows...
Discussing life, love, and the pursuit of what passes for individual happiness, with the girl once know as my B.F.F at work, I talked about my desire to conclude my 'career' as a single man. I was what I called 'stuck' on Tee Jay and was quite content with my run. There weren't too many things that I hadn't experienced in the relationships that I have had with women. What I didn't know was the fulfillment of a continuous, loving relationship that was mutually satisfying for both parties.
Even though whatever relationship I have had was filled with it's ups and downs, I was under the impression that I had left enough on the table that was worth revisiting. Also, I had come to dread what had become the inevitable explaining how I came to have the interests that I do. The cultural stereotyping doesn't end with race differences. The most withering form of it comes from within a culture and I think that the black social network is particularly stifling.
Or so it has been for me. Facing the same kinds of questions and expectations of why I did or didn't like this or why I was or wasn't into that, had become very much an unwanted burden. It seems as though I was on the defensive for being who it is that I am and that it was necessary for me to prove what I wasn't... an 'oreo' or like my sister Jan, a self loathing black person.
There is a lot of irony in my having to prove that I am 'black enough' for other blacks. You don't have to 'want to be white' to self-hate. Putting an ear in the ground, the disposition is there to be heard among the brothers every day. Eating in at McDonald's, you get to see how it plays out even among the 'club members and kool-aid drinkers'. Courtesy, professionalism, efficient service, were missing though it may have been anticipated by the customers inside the restaurant and in the drive-thru.
A Mother and her son were in high spirits for the morning and I enjoyed their interaction. I had wanted to ask if he was her only child, to explain why they relationship was more like best friends than an adversarial relationship. I thought back to my own relationship with my Mom and that it was around this age where it took its turn.
I thought to myself, "I wonder how long that will last for them?" If he were an only child, it could stretch out forever and never end. He could go on and continue to make her proud of him and he keep on with striving to make something of himself. He could go on and go straight to college and get a good job and become a stable young man, eventually finding a wife and starting a family.
What ever it was that he would be, I'd never know. Despite my wishing that I had the kind of relationship with my Mother that made it seem as though we were good friends instead of respectful opposition that we were, I have to find a way to let go of that. It never happened and she has gone on to wherever it you go after death, if there is anywhere to go.
That uncertainty places a premium on the here and now.
A brother around my age, maybe younger by a bit or older, made the comment about why 'our people' were in such a state of fail. We don't seem to grasp the idea of professionalism and working at doing our job regardless of what it was. And I understood where he was coming from at the time. Despite the 'through the motions' politeness, it was grating, the seeming disconnect between the customer and the worker.
While I have decided to make a point of not engaging in this kind of spontaneous conversation, I did speak on why I think that is. He was pressing for time and did not want a drawn out discussion either, but for the most part we saw eye to eye as to why 'we' aren't able to function and how it contrasts with to what we observe in other cultures here in America. Being able to keep the conversation short was important to me. Not that I am unfriendly or anything but I don't want to sound like I am anything to anybody until I am more of what I need to be to myself. What I think and how I see and interpret the world is my own business and there is much for me to do before I start sharing what I know about living in the world.
My main journal was on my mind... and all the whining that I am doing in it. Some of it is due to an organic anxiety and impatience with myself. I am finally going to have one of the great demons in my life struck a critical blow if not slain completely. I wonder if the mail that went ahead of me isn't confirmation of my case being processed and that my appearance next week in court is unneeded. That is how earlier motions were handled for expiedency sake, I imagine. An appearance tying up space on the court docket when all the information is at hand makes my appearance unneed. A thumb up or down process would cover the motions and that would be that.
What would be my next step? Am I really going to manage to act only in my own self interest and do what I need to do just for me? I don't expect anyone to understand and the SFC least of all. Has she really had feelings for me for the past two decades and was unable to act on them because of the fickle fates of life?
Stuff like that remained undiscussed between us and they sit without being broached now. Even as we continue to either talk or text one another daily, yesterday was the closest one of those off limits conversations came to being held between us.
I told her that I did not want to talk about it... and I didn't, not with her. Why I didn't want to let go of what I am holding onto, is that it is also going to be my salvation. My holding onto this 'whatever' is going to be what I used to climb back into the life that I had at one time hoped for. It is attached to the same things that holds my seething bellicosity towards my sisters, which was again confirmed with Twin B visit with her fiance and daughter in tow.
Some of this is prolly better for a therapy session but failing that... I am bothered with her man resembling so many of my better qualities and how she acted against me at within our relationship. Instead of being my best sister, she became my Judas Iscariot. Because I wouldn't expect to be believed why would I bring it up? Even with it being fairly obvious, she wouldn't want to hear any of it.
And what little he said of himself... he was given a choice of serving in the Army or becoming a statistic in the criminal justice system. Perhaps there was some air inflating that statement but I understood what he meant. I had hoped that the service would do so many things for me and I wasn't able to get the most out of it. But Shorty Mac was and so did the SFC. And that warrants the question, why didn't I get out of the Army as much as I hoped..?
Only the Shadow knows...
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