WHAT IS GOING ON?

ESPN SPECIAL FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS FOR VETERANS DAY, 2009

Watching the Marines fight before the pro boxers got into the ring, made me long for what never was. I told the SFC that I was over it ... but how can I be over it, the ending of my career before it ever really had a chance? My unilateral sacrifice for what..?

I wish that I could not remember that night ... but I can, at least the essentials. One of the rare times I was out on the town, in the NCO club at Camp Henry playing slots and eating French Fries with mayonaisse. Man, I was such a kid! The decision to call the CQ desk was due to my roomie Thompson being on the desk.

When I got him, he told me that the SFC had been beat up ... I got angry. She was my friend and I could not imagine anyone doing that to her. Rushing to catch a cab and back to the barracks, and immediately got in the middle of the after effects. I can remember her little 'yobo', a too old and too immature homeboy from Detroit, going back and forth like a little lap dog.

Finding out who caused the ruckus was my next goal and the homey was running around getting on my nerves. Small as well as short, he couldn't exact anything from anyone other than change. Why did I let him tag along with me, I will never know. As soon as I thought about finding the cat ... he invited himself.

The cat was from the area finance unit. We struck out looking for him at the two NCO clubs and in the 'Villes' on both sides of town. Finally got a lead that he was up in his barracks trying to sleep off his hanging out.

Who knows how late it was ... 3 o'clock sounds good enough. I let the small homey come and when he picked up a two by four, I should have stopped and dismissed him. Hell, after we didn't find the cat on the streets as it was, we BOTH should have slept it off and let the MP's handle things.

Vigilante justice indeed ... homey and the SFC were 'bunk buddies', so he should have went on this kind of mission solo. But I loved her much as I could love anyone that I wasn't trying to actually BE in love with. My best friend ... calling her that was an understatement. She was my ONLY friend.

My conscious was 'on' and I knew what I was risking as we walked around Taegu, looking for the Finance cat. Why didn't I dismiss the homey ..? Let him handle what should have been his business? I will never know ...

You could say it was to prepare the both of us for 'now'. And I feel like I am following her along again, as uncertain as ever. She got a chance to make her life work. I know that she had her ups and downs, but when I think about what I gave up at eighteen and what I never had a chance to have ...

... like fighting in front of a bunch of guys in my unit, against someone from another unit or post or even branch of service. A townie or in a tournament. The chance to struggle to make the grade and gain rank. I still wonder if I would have gone on to Fort Dix and went in the enlisted to officer program?

I know that I had intentions on trying to do my 20 years in the service. In fact, still thought about trying to get back in many, many times. But I was so hurt by letting that gift opportunity go that I never tried to see what could have been done on my behalf. After leaving Mookie, I had hoped to finally get a chance to see what I was really capable of, and live for me.

Yet here I am in someone else's house and trying to be a part of somone elses world. Sure, I love the SFC and she is truly a special person in my heart. But I did give her my life once before... and I don't feel beholden to give it to her again.

Did I think about her in the interim ..? How could I not?? All this time ... the last 20 plus years as I have stumbled around looking for my special place, thinking about how if I had went on and taken classes at the USC affiliate, maybe I would have been doing something for myself and not out that night being random ...

... between that and my crappy marriage, I never thought that was fair what I experienced. But what could I do? I have tried as best as I can to 'get over it', but being here sometimes is a constant reminder of what never was for me ... and what I am still hoping for.