THE GESTAPO THAT SURROUNDS MY HEART

SOMETIMES I WONDER IF YOU'RE  MYTHOLOGIZING ME LIKE I DO YOU...

It isn't about whether or not I think we are meant to be with each other or not.  But I knew that I had to find me a place where I could be 'alive' and not just 'live'.  Being used to having my reasoning questioned to the point of near-ridicule (because my methodology is so 'eclectic'), I am no stranger to doubters who can't conceive of making the life choices I have made based on something that is to them, radical, if not lunacy.

See, I know that I am the only one who remembers how cool Johnny Rodgers was when he won the Heisman and how I thought that Vince Ferragamo was one of the fastest white boys ever when he ran the option for the Huskers!  The significance of the small and seeming things of little consequence that other people overlook, were for me, enough to put a hold on me that I could not shake off.

Nebraska was also crucial in my moving here.  I can't diminish her role in my decision, especially after our meet in Chicago in November of '07.  There was something present that first meeting which would set its roots in me.  But I don't think that she understands that the seed that was planted long ago merely sprouted when we made our on-line acquaintance over ten years ago.  Had it truly been as 'Dateline Eligible' as she may have worried about, or was it something that existed in only my mind?

I remember her once telling me that one of the reasons that she found my adoration so sudden and unexpected and easy for her to dismiss was the place she was at spiritually and emotionally.  She was not long out of her divorce and was reeling from the stigmas related to that experience.  Alone, with three girls... I can imagine how she prolly recoiled from my forwardness.  We'd have our conversations and they would have their ups and their downs but my emotions were steady.

One of the things that I am finding with her as a 'local', is that I think she feels we are operating from a clean slate.  Not only that, maybe she had expectations that we had not discussed and is judging me and subsequently us, by her hidden hopes for us.  To discuss the things we 'shoulda' talked about before I became settled into Omaha is stating the obvious.  Now I am wondering if the damage is even repairable.  There are times where I don't even want to be bothered by her... and then there are days that ... well, I am NOT bothered by her and that seems to get at me a little as well!

In one of her e-mails/IM's she posed the challenge to me... she said that she wasn't easy and she isn't.  There are moments where I can't see myself working to repair our relationship and then there are moments where my mind spins with things to say and questions to ask, all with the intention of smoothing things out in our relationship.  But when I get myself together to 'say' them, the words get stuck in my mind.

One of the problems I see play out too often in relationships is when there are enough tangible evidence that points to problems too great for the principles to overcome.  Usually I am concerned with my nature and the historic issues that I have had with women.  But this time there is something different about the push-back that I get with Nebraska.  

She has admitted to an insecurity, if not an outright fear of a relationship.  I still have the metaphorical scars from her lashing out at me suggesting that she did not know what love is when the conversation between us veered near the area of her marriage... or relationship with her previous beau... I am not sure.  What I am growing certain of is that maybe 'she is right'.

I don't do a lot of negative imagining.  I consider myself level-headed in that I don't go off into a random direction.  I understood that we had different outlooks on life and attitudes regarding the world(s) we are from and the one we see.  She has repeatedly said that we are too different and our differences contrasted sharply against each other.  Though I am accustomed to a different kind of relationship disposition, it isn't like I am nothing if not versatile!  Her unique mix of character traits though, is very different that what I had expected... or was led to expect from her.

If I had an idea of what to expect of her...

MEANWHILE... BACK AT THE RANCH...

While Nebraska is the only on-line relationship that has been 'consummated', that is to say, that has crossed the barrier from the digital to the tangible worlds, I have attracted notice... and this time, I think that I am being attracted as well. 

There is 'this and that' going on with them, things that give me pause.  But if this person continues on in the direction they seem to be headed, who knows where this will lead..?

THE HUSBAND AND WIFE PLAY NEEDS TO BE REMOVED FROM THE PLAYBOOK

I think that most people have problems with separating the fiction of their own preconceived notions from the harshness of the realities of the world around them.  The fantasies that they create are coping mechanisms for the disappointment and pain that are too much for their consciousness to bear.

My sister spoke as if I should have known that she would make sure that I would have been able to come to her wedding, not matter what.  That ISN'T what she said when I first expressed my reservations when I told her that I was moving to Omaha shortly before her wedding date and I would not be able to afford to be at her wedding.  To hear her say that I should have let her knowhow much finacial stress that my participation in her wedding is on me and that she would have shouldered the some, if not all, of the costs that are burdensome on me.

This is where the separation from reality begins and the technicolor begins to blur.  While she admits to how influential in a positive way I have been on her, she brushes off the things she has done that worked against me in a most harmful way.  Her one defence... 'I was young' does not measure up against our blood ties and I won't ever forgive her.  People say that not being able forgive is like holding on to weight and is a burden that I put upon myself.  I disagree.  I think that the remembering is what keeps me aware of the risks that are involved whenever roads cross and my sisters are involved.

What I will do is ask her if she can pay to have my other boxes mailed to me from Detroit.  I won't mention the dent this is going to put on my Christmas and how it will leave me jammed up for who knows how long.  That simply isn't my way and this will provide me the leverage to move beyond my family.  I don't know if I will ever see any of them in any better light to make me want to travel to SEE them, but with LouCeel, Ken and Beth, I could find a place to stay while I visit my friends in the area.  Also, the bigger win could be in the 'in case of emergency', especially if her marriage is long and happy.  I may need someone to care for me at some point in my future. 

As far as Nebraska and me are concerned, our relationship has degraded very quickly since I have been in town.  There have been several very bad moments and this weekend has encapsulates nearly all of our misunderstandings only with greater consequences. 

I am not satisfied with how we communicate with each other.  The electronic forms that she uses to send me 'updates' leave much to be desired as we always infer different things from the brief texts and impersonal emails that we use to keep up with one another. 

What I think that I understand about her is that first, her priority is her children, not only is it commendable, but it is also hers to own.  My understanding of her thinking is that her main consideration is her daughters and that I am to remain at a distance.  That is how it has been with other men in her life, online relationships or with people who lived out of town.  She often said that she could foresee problems between us, mainly because she would be the 'wind rustling the leaves in the trees', that she would either do or say something that would cause us to split.  She wasn't wrong about that. 

I don't have an issue with putting the majority of the problems between us, particularly this trip, on her.  After all, she DID promise to get me to Chicago and I took her at her word.  That is NOT what is happening.  I am going to catch the bus and my sister is going to arrange to have me picked up from there.  This is going to be a long 96 hours.  We don't have much communication and when we do...

I don't care for us not talking at all.  I don't like her snarky emails and I don't like replying to them.  If the intent is to anger me, she does that.  But is that what she means?  Because I don't know her as well as she thinks she knows me, we will continue to step on toes until one of us decides to stop dancing and either sign up for lessons or decided to leave the party.

AND IT KEEPS REPEATING

Seems to me that I have said something that I have said has irrated Nebraska. For a second, I thought it may be something on her end of things that I may have unknowingly stirred up and that remains a possibility. Of course, I have no way of knowing because of her choice of how she is dealing with our 'whatever'. By not talking with me.

Objectively, this is a bad thing for any relationship, when communication suffers between the two parties. It leads to hurt feelings and misunderstands, as often the silence is a cover for underlying problems. Personally, it is a portent of fail, not only because the stereotypical f eminine 'silent treatment' to change behavior does not translate into understanding 'why' the behavior was ill-advise. It has almost always preceded the complete erosion of the relationship. I say 'complete' because I am unable to find a way to communicate with someone who has shut me out, unilaterally. To me, for her to stop talking with me in a relationship that is based nearly completely on exchanging ideas and thoughts is a threat to the relationship itself. It creates a vacuum and nature abhors a vacuum.

This makes me worry and I would rather not worry about the people who are supposed to be a part of my life, as the world already won't listen. Kind of makes it hard for me to forgive because this is a feeling that I can never forget. It is the feeling as if there is someone walking over the plot of this relationships grave.

Soon, it will not matter 'why', even if it is a good reason and understandable because I have to do what I have to do. Nebraska has always stressed that 'this needs to be about you', and in my mind, it always has. In saying that, I don't appreciate being shut out without an explination and if it takes this much thought before she can explain what is going on, then I may not want to know.

Because it isn't good for me. That is what I do know.

THE CAPACITY FOR PAIN

That is what I hope to avoid, increasing my capacity for being able to be hurt. That is what this is about for me. Whatever it is she is going through, by shutting me out hurts me. It does not have to be about me, or 'us'. But to simply shut off communications is in my mind, one of the worst remedies possible. That cannot be stressed enough.

I can hope that I have the temperment to maintain my own personal discipline and not do anything to make her react.

You know what ...

... this reads like a whiny diary!!

Since finding a job has been shelved for now, I have to really draw up a good and functional budget for my future.

Right now, I want to save half of my monthly allowance for the next three to four months. Had been doing a quarter, as I made some basic purchases to build up my flagging wardrobe. Now I will be able to do a piecemeal kind of shopping for things, until winter. I don't think I will have to shop for different weights, as I don't think Nebraska is going to be too different from Michigan. Besides, I don't bother too much with dressing for the weather. Other than hat and gloves, I am good year round.

Could not come to terms with Sandie for an away trip. Will go forward with the Carolina trip. I should start getting that lined up in June ... perhaps letting Nixxie know the details for my arrival nearer the end of May.

Will look at February as a target date for my relocation. Though I will be packing throughout the summer, I don't think I am going to rush there, short of the money I want to be 'in country' with. Had thought I would chance it, but if I can't get there with the dollars I have already said I will feel comfortable with, then I won't leave.

But I will be going somewhere.

Another thing is that I aim to keep my shopping tight. I don't like that I have to shop and watch what I purchase be devoured thoughtlessly. Better I should line up at the trough and do what everyone else is doing. It really is a change in how I like to go about things, but it is necessary if I want to get off to a good start in Nebraska.

I will prolly go there in November to get the paperwork that I am supposed to put in for housing started. Then come home and wait. Will talk it up with my Dad in October about helping me get there. If I have to leave stuff, then so be it, but I would prefer not to.