THE HUSBAND AND WIFE PLAY NEEDS TO BE REMOVED FROM THE PLAYBOOK

I think that most people have problems with separating the fiction of their own preconceived notions from the harshness of the realities of the world around them.  The fantasies that they create are coping mechanisms for the disappointment and pain that are too much for their consciousness to bear.

My sister spoke as if I should have known that she would make sure that I would have been able to come to her wedding, not matter what.  That ISN'T what she said when I first expressed my reservations when I told her that I was moving to Omaha shortly before her wedding date and I would not be able to afford to be at her wedding.  To hear her say that I should have let her knowhow much finacial stress that my participation in her wedding is on me and that she would have shouldered the some, if not all, of the costs that are burdensome on me.

This is where the separation from reality begins and the technicolor begins to blur.  While she admits to how influential in a positive way I have been on her, she brushes off the things she has done that worked against me in a most harmful way.  Her one defence... 'I was young' does not measure up against our blood ties and I won't ever forgive her.  People say that not being able forgive is like holding on to weight and is a burden that I put upon myself.  I disagree.  I think that the remembering is what keeps me aware of the risks that are involved whenever roads cross and my sisters are involved.

What I will do is ask her if she can pay to have my other boxes mailed to me from Detroit.  I won't mention the dent this is going to put on my Christmas and how it will leave me jammed up for who knows how long.  That simply isn't my way and this will provide me the leverage to move beyond my family.  I don't know if I will ever see any of them in any better light to make me want to travel to SEE them, but with LouCeel, Ken and Beth, I could find a place to stay while I visit my friends in the area.  Also, the bigger win could be in the 'in case of emergency', especially if her marriage is long and happy.  I may need someone to care for me at some point in my future. 

As far as Nebraska and me are concerned, our relationship has degraded very quickly since I have been in town.  There have been several very bad moments and this weekend has encapsulates nearly all of our misunderstandings only with greater consequences. 

I am not satisfied with how we communicate with each other.  The electronic forms that she uses to send me 'updates' leave much to be desired as we always infer different things from the brief texts and impersonal emails that we use to keep up with one another. 

What I think that I understand about her is that first, her priority is her children, not only is it commendable, but it is also hers to own.  My understanding of her thinking is that her main consideration is her daughters and that I am to remain at a distance.  That is how it has been with other men in her life, online relationships or with people who lived out of town.  She often said that she could foresee problems between us, mainly because she would be the 'wind rustling the leaves in the trees', that she would either do or say something that would cause us to split.  She wasn't wrong about that. 

I don't have an issue with putting the majority of the problems between us, particularly this trip, on her.  After all, she DID promise to get me to Chicago and I took her at her word.  That is NOT what is happening.  I am going to catch the bus and my sister is going to arrange to have me picked up from there.  This is going to be a long 96 hours.  We don't have much communication and when we do...

I don't care for us not talking at all.  I don't like her snarky emails and I don't like replying to them.  If the intent is to anger me, she does that.  But is that what she means?  Because I don't know her as well as she thinks she knows me, we will continue to step on toes until one of us decides to stop dancing and either sign up for lessons or decided to leave the party.

AND IT KEEPS REPEATING

Seems to me that I have said something that I have said has irrated Nebraska. For a second, I thought it may be something on her end of things that I may have unknowingly stirred up and that remains a possibility. Of course, I have no way of knowing because of her choice of how she is dealing with our 'whatever'. By not talking with me.

Objectively, this is a bad thing for any relationship, when communication suffers between the two parties. It leads to hurt feelings and misunderstands, as often the silence is a cover for underlying problems. Personally, it is a portent of fail, not only because the stereotypical f eminine 'silent treatment' to change behavior does not translate into understanding 'why' the behavior was ill-advise. It has almost always preceded the complete erosion of the relationship. I say 'complete' because I am unable to find a way to communicate with someone who has shut me out, unilaterally. To me, for her to stop talking with me in a relationship that is based nearly completely on exchanging ideas and thoughts is a threat to the relationship itself. It creates a vacuum and nature abhors a vacuum.

This makes me worry and I would rather not worry about the people who are supposed to be a part of my life, as the world already won't listen. Kind of makes it hard for me to forgive because this is a feeling that I can never forget. It is the feeling as if there is someone walking over the plot of this relationships grave.

Soon, it will not matter 'why', even if it is a good reason and understandable because I have to do what I have to do. Nebraska has always stressed that 'this needs to be about you', and in my mind, it always has. In saying that, I don't appreciate being shut out without an explination and if it takes this much thought before she can explain what is going on, then I may not want to know.

Because it isn't good for me. That is what I do know.

THE CAPACITY FOR PAIN

That is what I hope to avoid, increasing my capacity for being able to be hurt. That is what this is about for me. Whatever it is she is going through, by shutting me out hurts me. It does not have to be about me, or 'us'. But to simply shut off communications is in my mind, one of the worst remedies possible. That cannot be stressed enough.

I can hope that I have the temperment to maintain my own personal discipline and not do anything to make her react.

FOR REAL, THIS TIME

I have really given thought to stopping blogging altogether. Not only from my prescence as a regular commentator in them but from keeping one on the internet, period. Having my own computer allows me to 'Doogie Howser' my daily comings and goings with a lot more privacy. It would mean a lot for me to stop, though. Part of the reason that I put my stuff out here is to develop and nurture relationships with people, kind of like what Kate McGonigal talks about in her TED talk about gamers and getting them to translate their problem solving skills and camaradrie in real world, real time situations. The idea is that the sense of community fostered in a virtual world can manifest itself in the real world.

From the very beginning I saw the potential to connect and make real friendships online with people. The AOL Britpop chat room was one place I found myself interacting and connecting with people a bit younger but no less a real friend to me than any I had in the analog world. Same same with my stint on the message boards and now that has manifest itself into a possible connection with Nebraska. So it is not that I consider these virtual relationships as intangible concepts but very real and solid as any other relations I may have in the analog world.

LULL

Sometimes I think that she may not have the same kind of view of our relationship on line. I have no real way of confirming how she may feel but I had always known that I was a low priority in her life when our friendship first started. That was fine, because though I knew she 'tolerated' me, I also knew that she felt something regarding me, otherwise she would not have ever responded when I would IM or later when I would email her.

Like in our IM chats, there would be long breaks where she would not respond or even leave a cursory 'brb' so I would at least know she was aware that I was sitting in front of a screen under the impression that she was 'here' with me. Instead for long, stretched minutes, she would not say anything lending to my belief that she thought of me as a silly little boy in man's clothes. It made me feel 'less than', but that is something I had dealt with and fought since I can remember having to face off with it, so I was not perturbed. Much.

Whether or not it is the way it is supposed to be or not, I will never be a fan of having to put myself out a further than I would like to. I really could care less of the ritual of the man having to ceaselessly chase and pursue the woman, for no other reason than her entertainment. Or so it seems to me.

I did not tell her that part of the reason that I was not as 'romantic' or showed her as much affection as I KNOW I would like is partially because of her insistence that this move is all about what is best for me. If I have to think 'me first', then my approach to moving to Nebraska has to be different as well, particularly because it is much more of a challenge to concentrate and get the things I need to get done, accomplished. Cutting of distractions and things I am unsure of is part of my operating procedure (and why I would rather not have the worry of being in my sister's wedding and being concerned about 'other things') and I believe that inviting unnecessary potential issues in my life will only cause larger and more serious complications in my life.

Being 'unsure' about her as we are supposedly closer together is one of those 'distractions'. I have been unable to really write or talk with her this week. Now, I am sure she is a busy woman with plenty to do and things on her mind to keep it occupied. But I thought she would have found the time to send a note or something, particularly since we have not really 'spoken' this week, save my text message.

'Thx'. That was her reply to two text messages. I am not sure but I do think that the both of them ('Miss U' and 'kisses') were adequately affectionate and should have earned more than a impersonal 'Thx'. What it has done is set me on a 're-envisioning of my vision' of our relationship and more importantly, my life in Omaha.

There is a something that she has alluded to more than once about possible difficulties with her having a boyfriend or a suitor in town with her. What it is, I am not sure and I have not spent a lot of time in trying to figure out why she is worried or exactly what she is worried about.

Nor do I plan to. After all, this move is supposed to be about what is best for me.

THIRD MEASUREMENT

Though I feel 'different' about Detroit this time around, I do feel confident that I can build my life up here. Of this belief, there is no doubt. What there is doubt of, is in Nebraska and any prospective relationship we may have. Going back to her issues of being able to behave in a relationship where there is potentially daily or near daily interaction and for lack of a better term, behaving responsible in a relationship, that is a stumbling block for my going to Nebraska. While I do like it enough to go on be on my own, it takes enough points off fro staying in Detroit to close the gap.

I could see KT on a long weekend sooner or Lexxie, if her Mom would be realistic (I am sure she would be but I am not inclined to take her reasonableness for granted). Then there is the longshot hope that Skye comes around and we can have a better relationship.

Finding what I need to find would be a lot easier and I am extremely sure to the point of complete certainty that I could find my way to what I need to look for. The only challenge I would really have to face is getting my college life in gear, and that is more of a matter of will than anything else.

One of the things that I am not going to do is to project anything regarding her behavior and her lack of initiating contact or conversation. I will try not to read anything into it and make my decisions based on what I feel is best for me.

And if there is going to be an 'us' in the days ahead, I will have to let that be enough, that I am still in the game. Still worried about her own personal concerns and may have to call her on that. Hopefully later, because I am not willing to risk blowing the whole thing up over something that is estimated at without scale.

One thing I know, is that sometimes she makes me feel alone. I HATE feeling alone and I have a hatred for the conditions that make me feel alone. I would change them but...

RESTLESS

NOW IT IS ALL ON ME

I am mentally worn down from being uncomfortable here at my Dad's, beyond the feeling of awkwardness that should come from being 42 years old and living with your parent, still. You will never get me to change from that being a sign of a life that is out of balance and perhaps poorly lived. Sure there are some things that are cruel plays of fate, but living here among my steps, I will be glad to leave them to this fate. Would much rather be broke and living in a room with but a single light on the ceiling than scuffling around, existing on the crumbs of my Father's work. Now, as far as THAT goes, that would be a subject unto itself for study.

Haven't really been on the same wavelength as Nebraska recently. My 'slip' is showing... I am anxious to have my own place again and to feel the motion of moving towards something that is ahead in the distance. This is a holding area that is more of a drain on me and my resources. Having to get my teeth repaired was something I could never have saw coming. That means I may have to go to Omaha 'short' of the money I wanted to have in my pocket and without having any idea of what it will cost me to get things together, is an additional worry.

One of the reasons that I am going to go ahead with July, is the time has to have come. This is the time I originally anticipated being 'home'... the few weeks that has bled into July is acceptable to me. If I were to delay things much further, I don't know if I would hold.

Also, my lack of focus and concentration may be leading Nebraska to think that I am worse off than I may actually be. I don't think that I am as bad off as all that, but I wonder if she thinks that I am worse than she may have realized? To be sure, I am having more of a problem with my desire to make a home and find my way around, have somewhere to go and maybe to have someone to go there with me.

Something I had better start getting through my head is that Nebraska is in love with me. How much, remains to be seen. I have to accept that she has decided to accept the intentions that I have claimed for us and be willing to be the things that I have led her to believe. I want the romance between us to blossom and grow. I need to find my reserve and get back into character.

SUMMITING A HILL

GETTING CLOSER AND CLOSER


Next week I will get a chance to have a face to face with my ex-wife. I don't think there is much she can do to prevent my child support from being adjusted, so I hope to talk with her a bit. She has ignored all my attempts to contact her but to be fair, I don't recall her address and I have long ago misplaced both her and Skye's phone number.


Remembering how upset she was with BJ's dad and his lack of interest in her for most of her life, I am really surprised that she let our daughter 'opt out' of our relationship. I understand why we don't have one with her being a teenager... she prolly would have done so anyway. But when she was a preteen, that was shocking. I recall my Mother telling us that we had the option and her not interfering by talking trash about our Dad. My ex-wife has not been so forgiving. She doesn't encourage or foster a relationship and she does bad mouth me. The only time that she didn't was when she was married and I was single. Skye and I got along better, though not famously. We had promise.


I still hold out hope for me and Skye.


Nebraska is very hopeful and expectant of my arrival. I have to admit that her enthusiasm is definitely showing, reminiscent of her anticipation of meeting me in Chicago. Going on what I know of her, I think that her 'leaks' are not planned but more like her letting herself feel the way she really wants to feel about us. I need to find out what I am going to feel about ME.



Some of what I worry about, like the physicality and intimacy of our relationship to deeper and more critical operational issues between us, should be a part of what we are actually discussing now, but I haven't been able to find the words to start that conversation.


BY THE TIME I GET TO...


...Omaha, I need to be ready to work very, very hard. I know that I am going to have to be willing to push myself beyond any limits that I may think I have if I am going to establish a strong relationship with my girl and acomplish a measure of the life I have stumbled around.

One of the things I have to establish is boundaries. I know that I am not feeling anyone from my family. I want to write them off as a loss and go from there. Nebraska has shown indications that she would not look kindly on that, as if it is an indicator of a deeper flaw in me, perhaps.

Also I need to KNOW what I am doing with myself so that I don't get off track. I see myself going to school around the calendar year, taking courses in the summer to make up for courses that I know I won't be talking during the regular terms. I don't want to find myself bogged down trying to go to class as if I am an 18-year old.

Will check on my FAFSA stuff so that there won't be any problems come January when I expect to start school. And I will look at college as a middle distance run... too much energy to sprint out for and the longer run with the urgency of a 800 meter run.

Later, I hope to figure out the anticipated paremeters of the relationship I look forward to have with Nebraska.

FINDING OUT FOR YOURSELF

Discussing life, love, and the pursuit of what passes for individual happiness, with the girl once know as my B.F.F at work, I talked about my desire to conclude my 'career' as a single man. I was what I called 'stuck' on Tee Jay and was quite content with my run. There weren't too many things that I hadn't experienced in the relationships that I have had with women. What I didn't know was the fulfillment of a continuous, loving relationship that was mutually satisfying for both parties.

Even though whatever relationship I have had was filled with it's ups and downs, I was under the impression that I had left enough on the table that was worth revisiting. Also, I had come to dread what had become the inevitable explaining how I came to have the interests that I do. The cultural stereotyping doesn't end with race differences. The most withering form of it comes from within a culture and I think that the black social network is particularly stifling.

Or so it has been for me. Facing the same kinds of questions and expectations of why I did or didn't like this or why I was or wasn't into that, had become very much an unwanted burden. It seems as though I was on the defensive for being who it is that I am and that it was necessary for me to prove what I wasn't... an 'oreo' or like my sister Jan, a self loathing black person.

There is a lot of irony in my having to prove that I am 'black enough' for other blacks. You don't have to 'want to be white' to self-hate. Putting an ear in the ground, the disposition is there to be heard among the brothers every day. Eating in at McDonald's, you get to see how it plays out even among the 'club members and kool-aid drinkers'. Courtesy, professionalism, efficient service, were missing though it may have been anticipated by the customers inside the restaurant and in the drive-thru.

A Mother and her son were in high spirits for the morning and I enjoyed their interaction. I had wanted to ask if he was her only child, to explain why they relationship was more like best friends than an adversarial relationship. I thought back to my own relationship with my Mom and that it was around this age where it took its turn.

I thought to myself, "I wonder how long that will last for them?" If he were an only child, it could stretch out forever and never end. He could go on and continue to make her proud of him and he keep on with striving to make something of himself. He could go on and go straight to college and get a good job and become a stable young man, eventually finding a wife and starting a family.

What ever it was that he would be, I'd never know. Despite my wishing that I had the kind of relationship with my Mother that made it seem as though we were good friends instead of respectful opposition that we were, I have to find a way to let go of that. It never happened and she has gone on to wherever it you go after death, if there is anywhere to go.

That uncertainty places a premium on the here and now.

A brother around my age, maybe younger by a bit or older, made the comment about why 'our people' were in such a state of fail. We don't seem to grasp the idea of professionalism and working at doing our job regardless of what it was. And I understood where he was coming from at the time. Despite the 'through the motions' politeness, it was grating, the seeming disconnect between the customer and the worker.

While I have decided to make a point of not engaging in this kind of spontaneous conversation, I did speak on why I think that is. He was pressing for time and did not want a drawn out discussion either, but for the most part we saw eye to eye as to why 'we' aren't able to function and how it contrasts with to what we observe in other cultures here in America. Being able to keep the conversation short was important to me. Not that I am unfriendly or anything but I don't want to sound like I am anything to anybody until I am more of what I need to be to myself. What I think and how I see and interpret the world is my own business and there is much for me to do before I start sharing what I know about living in the world.

My main journal was on my mind... and all the whining that I am doing in it. Some of it is due to an organic anxiety and impatience with myself. I am finally going to have one of the great demons in my life struck a critical blow if not slain completely. I wonder if the mail that went ahead of me isn't confirmation of my case being processed and that my appearance next week in court is unneeded. That is how earlier motions were handled for expiedency sake, I imagine. An appearance tying up space on the court docket when all the information is at hand makes my appearance unneed. A thumb up or down process would cover the motions and that would be that.

What would be my next step? Am I really going to manage to act only in my own self interest and do what I need to do just for me? I don't expect anyone to understand and the SFC least of all. Has she really had feelings for me for the past two decades and was unable to act on them because of the fickle fates of life?

Stuff like that remained undiscussed between us and they sit without being broached now. Even as we continue to either talk or text one another daily, yesterday was the closest one of those off limits conversations came to being held between us.

I told her that I did not want to talk about it... and I didn't, not with her. Why I didn't want to let go of what I am holding onto, is that it is also going to be my salvation. My holding onto this 'whatever' is going to be what I used to climb back into the life that I had at one time hoped for. It is attached to the same things that holds my seething bellicosity towards my sisters, which was again confirmed with Twin B visit with her fiance and daughter in tow.

Some of this is prolly better for a therapy session but failing that... I am bothered with her man resembling so many of my better qualities and how she acted against me at within our relationship. Instead of being my best sister, she became my Judas Iscariot. Because I wouldn't expect to be believed why would I bring it up? Even with it being fairly obvious, she wouldn't want to hear any of it.

And what little he said of himself... he was given a choice of serving in the Army or becoming a statistic in the criminal justice system. Perhaps there was some air inflating that statement but I understood what he meant. I had hoped that the service would do so many things for me and I wasn't able to get the most out of it. But Shorty Mac was and so did the SFC. And that warrants the question, why didn't I get out of the Army as much as I hoped..?

Only the Shadow knows...

THE STOLEN THOUGHTS AND MEMORIES OF THE STAR THIEF

At the end of things the SFC would make the occasional slip regarding 'us'. It was as if she saw a glimpse of a future where we are together. What I know is that I never took the bait. I wanted to leave because fail or no, I wanted to go out and be to myself. I have to live with the frustration of being outstripped by my baby sisters... no shame in that but they have achieved a measure of peace and stability in their lives that should have been a matter of course in mind. That their path to where they are now is so similar to the routes that I set myself upon makes my fall more aggravating.

One of the things that I expect to happen when I am in Nebraska is the resentment to ebb and the envy to subside. I will be where I want to be and with the person that I want to be with, finally.

As I made the transition to Detroit, I took the risky step of sending my belongings ahead of me. This was not unlike a 'commitment cut' that a cosmetologist makes when styling a clients hair. Might as well go thru with it now, because it is a little late to have second thougthts. At the very least I will have to go west and get as much as I can... and that would cause for another great expenditure of capital, money that I don't have.

What gets at me is the money that the SFC spent to bring and keep me in Va., then the money she came up with to send me home. The bags cost more than the actual flight... and adds to my guilt. Which I did not need to grow.

Like I said at the end, I thought she would want to hold me back. I put a comment out there to gauge her reaction... and I could hear the feeling in her voice when she replied. I made sure to avoid that 'what if' conversation with her the last two weeks of my stay.

Not that we didn't ask ourselves and each other about out relationship. We kept coming back, or should I say she kept coming back, to my uncomfortable state in Virginia. I know I was a lump. Could I have tried harder?? Maybe. But I do think the traits that made us great friends hindered us as lovers. I had warned her that I expect to have the kind of relationship with her that we had in Korea. I don't think she understood what I meant by that.

She has a certain 'je ne sais quois' that if I had it, I let it go quite some time ago. But I never worried about it and took pleasure in my ability to plug away and to get through to what I call 'the other side' of things. Figuring that repetitive achievement would eventually become part of my 'quois' (or Quan... we will go with that from her on out).

But it never did. The irony of her oldest boy being able to walk away from an incident that was close to our incident without disaster befalling him was a bit too much irony for me to take. What I wanted more than anything is to have been able to go back in time and stop that foolish young boy that I was twenty odd years ago and tell him not to make that call. And if he still made the call, to not let the little gremlin to accompany him... and since I can't there isn't any other 'what if' to ponder. I know that I didn't.

That is that.

I would always wonder and yearn for the life that I could have had on my own out in Nebraska. That Nebraska is looking forward to my company is the icing on the cake. Though I think that is yet another favourable sign, the most telling thing in my favour is my determination to hold on to my dream.

Though I don't think that I have done anything to require the asking of forgiveness, it still won't hurt. I will get down and ask for benefice, forgiveness and blessings as I move ahead with my life.

NEARING THE CROSSROADS

I like the imagery behind the title of the Explosions In The Sky song, 'The Birth And Death Of The Day'. When I decided to use it as post label for entries that related to my experience with moving to Virginia, it was because it captured the hopes and disappointment of daring to take risks. It embodies the recklessness of pushing the envelope of things, no matter how measured the risks were.



The reasons for not to have come here are legion. One of the more sinsister reasons can be framed in the words, 'the story that we tell ourselves'. Because there are different points of views, truth is generally subjective in the realm of relationships. But I take umbrage at some of what the SFC has said about our relationship.



One is the idea that this was one of her whims of being a heroine, coming to the rescue. That is the most troubling because I remember as we reconnected, stressing to her how I felt about the direction of my life and that I did not need saving.

It hurts for me to think that after she floated the idea of us being a couple, that she saw herself as 'rescuing me'. My approach to relationships has not been altered and remains in force. She continues to remind me of the incident where my money was stolen from me... and that occured AFTER she and I talked about getting together. I remember telling her that I was fine and going in the direction of my heart.

For her to tell herself that... as if she was doing me a favour... well!

I have accepted that the consequence of our paths crossing before was my responsibility alone. But this, I won't ever take blame for. She should have left me alone.

Still Trying To Keep Things Straight

KEEPING TRACK...

The point of my telling the SFC that I was headed for Nebraska was that if she was intent on making a relationship with me, I would consider moving to Virginia. One of the first issues came up when we both realized that we were a bit hasty in deciding to be in a relationship. We are good friends but the opportunity for us to be a couple never exisisted. One of the reason she was my friend was that she WAS a friend for me. Won't say TO ME, because I don't know what would constitute reciprocation.

Once someone says stuff like 'I did it again' or whatever it was that she said, it chaps me. What the hell does that mean?? Why did I HAVE to be her repeat offense or whatever it was that caused her to feel that way??

Especially when I had made my plans and was specific in why they were my plans. For me to have 'done this again', it will forever eat away at me.

Another things is the idea that she was somehow 'saving me' from my Dad's house. Things weren't that bad, my nephew taking my money nonwithstanding. I didn't mind living there and was not long for Detroit anyway. I had personal business that I needed to be in Detroit to handle and that was going accordingly. Being here in Va. complicates EVERYTHING. I have to find money to pay for a trip there, get more stuff started, come back here and THEN get set to go west. There will STILL be more stuff to bring me back to Detroit... UGH!

The irony of the mess that her oldest son got into at school... and the uncharacteristic decisions and goings on in his life reminds me of my trials. Difference was that I was younger and half a world away from my Mother. I am sure that she would have tried to help me and I would have asked for it as well. But what could she do and what could I have done...

... other than looked out for myself and not given a darn about what went down that night.

Now my memories are shadows on some things, but I remember everything about that night... where I gave up my hopes and dreams for nothing. This is not saying that our friendship is 'nothing', but it didn't fix anything and only hurt me. If I could have only not called the barracks and simply came back and went to bed...

I never thought anyone owed me for that but I do think she owes me now. I would NOT be here had she not wanted me to come. And if I didn't believe that there was some 'magic' that had brought us together. There was no magic in our meeting in Korea. Unless you want to believe that it was an obstacle for me to overcome... and I do.

Maybe THAT was the lesson she was to provide me again... to see how determined and focused I was to finally live for me. I want to go to Nebraska because that is where I WANT TO BE. That Nebraska(the person) cares about me is the icing on the cake.

Don't care what story the SFC tells herself or will have to tell herself when I leave. But leave I will do and go out and live my life. Finally.
_____________________________________________________________

Going to the game with the SFC's friend and her husband was interesting. He is a younger man, 24 I think and she is 30. They both served in the Army and got out. I am guessing that he is working and finishing school. She works as well somewhere in the Industrial Complex, much like the SFC and so unlike me.

The discussion they were having I thought was emasculating. Maybe it was the mood or it was the liquor, but She was very insistent about his lack of input on her housing situation. And while it was understood that He may not have initially had a 'pig in the poke', her tack made it seem like she completely discounted his rather valid and understandable opinion.

That She felt obliged to ream him in front of mixed company was quite disturbing. I thought about anything that he may want in their relationship... children, where to live, how much for a house... and I wondered how their opinions would be weighted in their relationship.

I also wondered how the SFC and I would get along. I don't want to go to New Jersey, but I would not mind too much. I already knew that going in to this thing and figured that I was willing to deal, but...

...there is no need to make up something that shouldn't be happening. I do think that my girl is telling herself what she needs to in order for her to feel comfortable. I don't have a need to try to take that away from her. As long as I KNOW what is what, I will be fine.

While I am bothered by her 'script editing', from her 'doing it again, whatever' comment, to her thinking that she was doing me a favor by bringing me here, and now with her saying that she wouldn't have moved if it weren't for me... like I said, I don't want to argue anything. I only want to be where I want to be.

TRYING TO GET IT RIGHT...

And in keeping track of things...

The point of my telling the SFC that I was headed for Nebraska was that if she was intent on making a relationship with me, I would consider moving to Virginia. One of the first issues came up when we both realized that we were a bit hasty in deciding to be in a relationship. We are good friends but the opportunity for us to be a couple never exisisted. One of the reason she was my friend was that she WAS a friend for me. Won't say TO ME, because I don't know what would constitute reciprocation.

Once someone says stuff like 'I did it again' or whatever it was that she said, it chaps me. What the hell does that mean?? Why did I HAVE to be her repeat offense or whatever it was that caused her to feel that way??

Especially when I had made my plans and was specific in why they were my plans. For me to have 'done this again', it will forever eat away at me.

Another things is the idea that she was somehow 'saving me' from my Dad's house. Things weren't that bad, my nephew taking my money nonwithstanding. I didn't mind living there and was not long for Detroit anyway. I had personal business that I needed to be in Detroit to handle and that was going accordingly. Being here in Va. complicates EVERYTHING. I have to find money to pay for a trip there, get more stuff started, come back here and THEN get set to go west. There will STILL be more stuff to bring me back to Detroit... UGH!

The irony of the mess that her oldest son got into at school... and the uncharacteristic decisions and goings on in his life reminds me of my trials. Difference was that I was younger and half a world away from my Mother. I am sure that she would have tried to help me and I would have asked for it as well. But what could she do and what could I have done...

... other than looked out for myself and not given a darn about what went down that night.

Now my memories are shadows on some things, but I remember everything about that night... where I gave up my hopes and dreams for nothing. This is not saying that our friendship is 'nothing', but it didn't fix anything and only hurt me. If I could have only not called the barracks and simply came back and went to bed...

I never thought anyone owed me for that but I do think she owes me now. I would NOT be here had she not wanted me to come. And if I didn't believe that there was some 'magic' that had brought us together. There was no magic in our meeting in Korea. Unless you want to believe that it was an obstacle for me to overcome... and I do.

Maybe THAT was the lesson she was to provide me again... to see how determined and focused I was to finally live for me. I want to go to Nebraska because that is where I WANT TO BE. That Nebraska(the person) cares about me is the icing on the cake.

Don't care what story the SFC tells herself or will have to tell herself when I leave. But leave I will do and go out and live my life. Finally.

I felt ambivalent with her paying for my medical care... I may feel that she owes me NOW, but I don't want to have her caring for me more than necessary. But I am grateful that she did get me medical attention. Mentioning this to be 'fair and balanced'.

The SFC blew my mind on Sunday with the admission that she moved to our new place in part (and I am being generous with that!) to accommodate me! She said that were it NOT for me, she'd still be in her old place.

WTF! She could have loaned me the money she spent for her inconvenient move and let me go out west!! I wouldn't have needed as much funding to get to where I want to go and I would have paid her back!!

And how is THIS for further irony... not only did I want to wait to tie up my F.O.C. business in Detroit (which is further expense and with another previously unforseen layer to unwrap) but I also figured my late spring arrival in Omaha would keep me from getting hit with a harsh winter. Been that way for boxing matches and stationed there (c'mon... Kansas and Iowa counts as flyover land with Nebraska) so I expected that I could get hit with a hard winter.

Moving to Virginia, I have found myself literally in the storm of the century! Getting back to the SFC, I don't wonder where her rationale comes from as much as I don't care enough about it.

She also tried to open conversation about 'us' and what do we have here.

A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE

If there is anything that I 'did', it could be that I misunderstood the 'Darkhorse Concept' that I created, to account for the unseen stuff that always finds its way into my plans. It wasn't that I was supposed to yield to it, but it was something I was meant to overcome.

Looking around, all I can think of is the life that I hoped to have when I left home. I'd box and serve like Carlos Elliot. Over twenty years I have been at sea with a broken mast...

I kept seeing my sisters when I thought about what happened with her in Korea. And more irony... when I came home, my sisters stopped being 'for me'. I told Twin B (it is either call them 'A&B' or Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee!) that whatever reason they had, I was still their brother and that should have meant something.

So I loved her so much as a friend that I felt compelled to gravely damage my own life. Makes perfect sense, right?

Now this was the SECOND time that she said something 'deathless'. The other is more of an 'thought', since I can't put it with the concrete of a quote. In fact, both are more conceptual than one single 'thing'.

Whenever I get the idea that someone made the same mistake again in the love life, I take offense. If they knew that they were going off on a lark, then why are they hasslin' me? See with the SFC, I told her about my plan and it wasn't until after she heard it that...

... well, that I DID IT AGAIN. For her. Took my life and my fate and cast it away. So the idea that she has made a major change to accomodate me (like hinting that she hasn't been to see her boys since I have been in the picture) in her world, is insulting to me.

What I want to see happen when the time for me to leave arrives.

More For Probative Value Than Anything

FROM THE FIRST OF FEBRUARY, TWENTY-TEN (LEFT IN A JOURNAL SOMEWHERE AS A 'COMMENT')


The static. That is what life has become for me. And my friend Nebraska could verify my use of words like 'static' and 'noise' to describe how I feel my way through my life. Words like 'environment' and 'atmosphere' also have layered meanings as well as the word 'context'.

That is what stood out in this entry. Man, it is true... the first sentence has to set the hook for the reader.

The loneliness of habits and the resonance of the empty spaces in my soul... I was only last night explaining to my SFC that I remember the debate between me and an older cousin about the spinnings of the world.

"The world is moving at a certain speed, a terminal velocity. You will either have to move with it or be left behind. You will need help to keep up with it because no man is an island."

This he said to a teenager who was paranoid from the experience of having people trample through his soul. It created a fissure small enough to let insecurity, indecision, and all the other 'in' things from way out come into what would pass for my reality.

Hindsight says I should have effected repair to the crack. Wondering about things like the Visitors and their concerns that will linger in my mind like the decaying isotope of radioactive material was not worth the brief enternity that they spent in my life.

The friends I know... are they really friends? I don't know if I know them well enough to even call them friends. They have their own darkness, as does many of us who live on this sphere, looking and waiting for the opportunity to emerge from their mouths.

As the tendrils swirl around me, envloping me with their words and porcelain promises, I feel less connected to who I am. And if there is anything corrupted, it is the link that I have with the enternal source of everything.

I am here. You (they) are so far away.

The blind spot... from where you don't expect and did not prepare for. And all this time, I had considered myself immune to... I don't know if it is a toxin or not. Right now I tremble, filling with doubts.

"The static doesn't dwell only in you," I tell myself. That brings little comfort, and no peace or solace. And I tell this only to myself, because it isn't comiseration that I am looking for.

Developments

I think that the SFC is struggling with the new parameters to our relationship. Or maybe I am reading something that isn't really there.

We had some nasty Jamaican rum and tried to talk things out. She wanted to know what about her that was like 'fingernails on the chalkboard' for me.

Like with most everyone I have ever 'liked', I don't have a discernible trait or habit that bothers me about them. Maybe it is because I have a need to be accepted and that prompts my malleability, but since that has been 'always', don't know what doing nitpicking about people will do for me now. Anywho, I look at it as an extension of my desire to 'a yes, a no, a straight line' objective.

If there was anything for me to say, it would be a slight envy and the feeling that whenever I have tried to live my life, I allowed for it to be interrupted. That is what had me identify the 'Darkhorse component' to my life. But instead of it being the unknown change of direction for my life, I do think that it was meant to test my willingness to pursue what direction I really wanted.

Then end of next month is when I will explore with her my intentions to go out west and move to Omaha. I won't beat her over the head with it, but the next time she starts a conversation about 'us' (which is redundant, because what else do we have to talk about?) I hope to have something for her.

Which is not to say that I usually don't or that I will be making things up. She pointed out that as much as I do talk about my feelings and as well as I do express myself, I don't say much about the crux of things. She wanted to hear what gets to me about her, like the way I eat gets to her. Not big things, but pet peeves.

I don't remember situations that happened while we were stationed together, but I do remember the feeling. She inadvertently describe it, when she talk of how I roll my eyes and says, "Yes SFC," and get with the program.

My counter was that is how I remember our relationship when we were kids. This is NOT how I am with other people. Making an example of my ex wife, I told her the way that we mix as people we would always be at opposite sides of the table. Nothing particular about her. She isn't the only 'urban woman' I have dated. Tee Jay is at her level and we got along very well.

That is part of our chemistry.

The way we relate to each other is due to our chemistry. What is different now is that we are together and around each other in a way that had never been explored. As I write, I am trying to think of things that she does that bothers me... but I can't. Whatever got to me has been digested and is now part of the shared state we are in.

I guess with the problem not being about 'her', it is harder to express. How can you tell someone that you want to pursue the things that you feel you have been interrupted from chasing after? And that while she was indirectly a part of that, you never felt comfortable shouldering full responsibility, even though you know that you did it all to yourself?

That thought, that thinking gets twisted up tighter than the Gordian knot it represents in my life. One of several which I have never managed to unwind. At this stage of my life, I don't see the benefit of unraveling them either.

Everyone else has managed to move on and make something of themselves and their lives. The twins are the latest to leap frog and get to their own 'next level'. I don't want to die on this floor. I want to do something more meaningful with my life.

And really, isn't that what going west is really about? Writing that book, going to school and helping in the community? I don't want anyone to struggle to pay for my funeral and I want to leave a better legacy to my daughter than 'my Dad, yeah, he lived.'

I want them to be able to say that he was something more than an absentee father and has been boxer. I want them to say he wrote, he taught and he loved them and was loved in his community.

It makes sense to me to move where I think I will find my peace and love them from there. Host grandchildren and go to weddings from there...