WHEN THE MAINFRAME BREAKS AGAIN

THE FRITZ

Everything IS up in the air.

The chain reaction caused by this episode has spun dangerously close to being out of control. Everything that made going to Nebraska (the place) such an excellent adventure, has been revealed in the past few days.

I am so confident in my ability to take care of myself, that when I was preparing myself to leave Mookie, the first priority was to pick a place that I could feel 'safe' in. Pretty much anyplace with a population over 100 and two stop lights could be a dangerous place for me, but the point being Nebraska is much less a threatening place.

With Nebraska (the person) offering friendship, that would be acceptable. My relationship with Mookie had become loveless, sexless, and I was all but celibate. A 'friendship' with her would have been interesting. I would have had not a problem with her being full of me and letting me know that. I would have been free to let her know that too.

The thing I was looking forward to the most, is being free.

Maybe after I had been there a couple of years and tracking in a specific direction, maybe she would make a move towards a relationship. If not, that would be cool to.

While I have confidence in myself, I do worry about 'pacing'. In the Sportscenter Highlight of my life, I get in country, get a job bagging groceries and find my way to the local community college. Although I would miss Astoria cookies (as you can no doubt tell, I would REALLY miss that place ... best cookies ever!!), I would find another place to get my treats, read the paper and drink coffee.

I miss my own place.

Being on my own would mean that I could get a big calendar and put it up near the front door, one that you can see from across a room. I would look up from my love seat (because I would have a chair and would sit there ... company in the love seat) and be able to know what I was supposed to do.

Do you know that I have over 60 extra blood pressure pills? Do you want to know how I got them? Each one represents a day that I forgot to take my medicine. How could you forget to take your medicine? Well, for me the answer is simple. Things that complicate my day to day so much that it 'spills', then stuff gets shuffled off.

And I do know how important that it is that I take my medicine. I don't know if 'things' are genetically linked, but usually when one person has a stroke or heart trouble in a family, so will someone else. There are five that I know of, and three of them are me, my darling brother, and our Mother.

Having to think about how I need to be so that someone else can figure out what they need to do, to get what they want for us, which may or may not be what I would want for me, or us ...

... eh, as long as they are happy, I guess.

There have been times where I have thought that was a problem of mine. In a relationship, I would 'go there' for someone without the expectation that they would ever go there for me.

AKA took her own personal exceptions, tried to put 'business' out that I include on my own brochures and presentations, but most of it was fairly accurate. How is that for irony? That I am non plussed by what she said.

But it did get to the SFC. And again, this is the trouble I have with worrying about the people in MY past, and trying to start a relationship with them.

If they called it or I did, I don't believe in the big air clearing finish. I will ask the same question ... are you sure this is what you want?

SEE, I GAVE AT THE OFFICE

I wonder if they are sure, because when they are sure I consider myself 'relieved from duty'. There are 'things' that I have done for people that they didn't ask me to do for them, but I felt needed to be done.

What if I did like my thieving nephew, and IGNORED A FREAKIN' WARNING ALARM. Sure, it could have been a malfunction. But I know better than that, to ignore a 'life or death' signal'. So I did what I had to, and if it cost me a few dollars, rather that, because what a crap alternative.

One of the things about being unattached that holds so much allure for me, is that when I have been single, I have done well. Went to school, found decent work, boxed and traveled (ugly American indeed ... I had to have GONE SOMEWHERE to make that a true statement, dontcha know!!), being by myself.

Knowing the risks for me, I can pretty much take on what I am going to get into. But with someone? The dynamic changes ... and it has not always been to my benefit.

Getting back to how dating someone you once dated is a bad idea that no one had to tell me why, is that there are three version to every story. You have yours, they have theirs, and then there is the truth.

I never lost sight that there was 'a truth' to things. Which is why I had made the conscious decision to let go when it was time to let go. I have had some thoughts about people ... every platonic relationship since I met her has been based upon me and the SFC. She is a pretty girl, and I was able not to try to be a wolf with her. In fact, saying that it had never occurred to me is closer to the truth that anyone could possibly know.

Because if I had been intimate with her when we were kids, then it would have quite possibly changed my motivation for 'dying for her'. No, I never thought that I would get anything back, nor do I WANT anything for what I thought, for what made sense to me in my mind.

Had I waited for someone to tell me that it 'made sense', I very well could be dead. Being able to act, to 'get off first'. When you are able to 'act' instead of 'react', you can win the day. And if you don't win the day, you can change the course of things and be in position to take advantage of the result.

As a single entity, I could 'be first'. Go in the direction of my inspiration unencumbered by the weight and worry of others. This is an important factor to me, because I am not sure if I can trust anyone to be worried about me.

For the past two weeks, the twins, Army Sister and Best Sister along with Family Friend have been hanging together in Kansas. Army is going out of country for three years, Best Sister had mentioned enlisting, and I was going to Nebraska for the longest time.

Of course, things are up in the air for me. But on Face Book, though I would 'speak' to them and their various postings, no one responded to me. Then AKA flamed me, and still no acknowledgement. I am not sure how this works, but I would have thought that they said something ... that one of their friends thought enough to look in on me ...

Honestly, objectively, what happened did not mean anything to me. But it revealed to me what is best for me. When I get 'jumped', whether electronically or in the physical sense, the only person to have put their back to mine, is gone.

My darling brother, who couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag. But he wouldn't leave me to be savaged, whether I was right or wrong. I was his brother, and that would have been enough.

Sorry about the length and sorry about the whining. I would rather that someone from 'My Early Burglary Years' were trying to come back and get at me. But that isn't how it works. It is either you are doing it to your self, or someone who is close to you that will 'screw you in the drive thru'.

I am going to have to do some 'goat thinkin', and get back to tracking what it is I WANT from life, and figure out what life expects from me.