Seems to me that I have said something that I have said has irrated Nebraska. For a second, I thought it may be something on her end of things that I may have unknowingly stirred up and that remains a possibility. Of course, I have no way of knowing because of her choice of how she is dealing with our 'whatever'. By not talking with me.
Objectively, this is a bad thing for any relationship, when communication suffers between the two parties. It leads to hurt feelings and misunderstands, as often the silence is a cover for underlying problems. Personally, it is a portent of fail, not only because the stereotypical f eminine 'silent treatment' to change behavior does not translate into understanding 'why' the behavior was ill-advise. It has almost always preceded the complete erosion of the relationship. I say 'complete' because I am unable to find a way to communicate with someone who has shut me out, unilaterally. To me, for her to stop talking with me in a relationship that is based nearly completely on exchanging ideas and thoughts is a threat to the relationship itself. It creates a vacuum and nature abhors a vacuum.
This makes me worry and I would rather not worry about the people who are supposed to be a part of my life, as the world already won't listen. Kind of makes it hard for me to forgive because this is a feeling that I can never forget. It is the feeling as if there is someone walking over the plot of this relationships grave.
Soon, it will not matter 'why', even if it is a good reason and understandable because I have to do what I have to do. Nebraska has always stressed that 'this needs to be about you', and in my mind, it always has. In saying that, I don't appreciate being shut out without an explination and if it takes this much thought before she can explain what is going on, then I may not want to know.
Because it isn't good for me. That is what I do know.
THE CAPACITY FOR PAIN
That is what I hope to avoid, increasing my capacity for being able to be hurt. That is what this is about for me. Whatever it is she is going through, by shutting me out hurts me. It does not have to be about me, or 'us'. But to simply shut off communications is in my mind, one of the worst remedies possible. That cannot be stressed enough.
I can hope that I have the temperment to maintain my own personal discipline and not do anything to make her react.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
FOR REAL, THIS TIME
I have really given thought to stopping blogging altogether. Not only from my prescence as a regular commentator in them but from keeping one on the internet, period. Having my own computer allows me to 'Doogie Howser' my daily comings and goings with a lot more privacy. It would mean a lot for me to stop, though. Part of the reason that I put my stuff out here is to develop and nurture relationships with people, kind of like what Kate McGonigal talks about in her TED talk about gamers and getting them to translate their problem solving skills and camaradrie in real world, real time situations. The idea is that the sense of community fostered in a virtual world can manifest itself in the real world.
From the very beginning I saw the potential to connect and make real friendships online with people. The AOL Britpop chat room was one place I found myself interacting and connecting with people a bit younger but no less a real friend to me than any I had in the analog world. Same same with my stint on the message boards and now that has manifest itself into a possible connection with Nebraska. So it is not that I consider these virtual relationships as intangible concepts but very real and solid as any other relations I may have in the analog world.
LULL
Sometimes I think that she may not have the same kind of view of our relationship on line. I have no real way of confirming how she may feel but I had always known that I was a low priority in her life when our friendship first started. That was fine, because though I knew she 'tolerated' me, I also knew that she felt something regarding me, otherwise she would not have ever responded when I would IM or later when I would email her.
Like in our IM chats, there would be long breaks where she would not respond or even leave a cursory 'brb' so I would at least know she was aware that I was sitting in front of a screen under the impression that she was 'here' with me. Instead for long, stretched minutes, she would not say anything lending to my belief that she thought of me as a silly little boy in man's clothes. It made me feel 'less than', but that is something I had dealt with and fought since I can remember having to face off with it, so I was not perturbed. Much.
Whether or not it is the way it is supposed to be or not, I will never be a fan of having to put myself out a further than I would like to. I really could care less of the ritual of the man having to ceaselessly chase and pursue the woman, for no other reason than her entertainment. Or so it seems to me.
I did not tell her that part of the reason that I was not as 'romantic' or showed her as much affection as I KNOW I would like is partially because of her insistence that this move is all about what is best for me. If I have to think 'me first', then my approach to moving to Nebraska has to be different as well, particularly because it is much more of a challenge to concentrate and get the things I need to get done, accomplished. Cutting of distractions and things I am unsure of is part of my operating procedure (and why I would rather not have the worry of being in my sister's wedding and being concerned about 'other things') and I believe that inviting unnecessary potential issues in my life will only cause larger and more serious complications in my life.
Being 'unsure' about her as we are supposedly closer together is one of those 'distractions'. I have been unable to really write or talk with her this week. Now, I am sure she is a busy woman with plenty to do and things on her mind to keep it occupied. But I thought she would have found the time to send a note or something, particularly since we have not really 'spoken' this week, save my text message.
'Thx'. That was her reply to two text messages. I am not sure but I do think that the both of them ('Miss U' and 'kisses') were adequately affectionate and should have earned more than a impersonal 'Thx'. What it has done is set me on a 're-envisioning of my vision' of our relationship and more importantly, my life in Omaha.
There is a something that she has alluded to more than once about possible difficulties with her having a boyfriend or a suitor in town with her. What it is, I am not sure and I have not spent a lot of time in trying to figure out why she is worried or exactly what she is worried about.
Nor do I plan to. After all, this move is supposed to be about what is best for me.
THIRD MEASUREMENT
Though I feel 'different' about Detroit this time around, I do feel confident that I can build my life up here. Of this belief, there is no doubt. What there is doubt of, is in Nebraska and any prospective relationship we may have. Going back to her issues of being able to behave in a relationship where there is potentially daily or near daily interaction and for lack of a better term, behaving responsible in a relationship, that is a stumbling block for my going to Nebraska. While I do like it enough to go on be on my own, it takes enough points off fro staying in Detroit to close the gap.
I could see KT on a long weekend sooner or Lexxie, if her Mom would be realistic (I am sure she would be but I am not inclined to take her reasonableness for granted). Then there is the longshot hope that Skye comes around and we can have a better relationship.
Finding what I need to find would be a lot easier and I am extremely sure to the point of complete certainty that I could find my way to what I need to look for. The only challenge I would really have to face is getting my college life in gear, and that is more of a matter of will than anything else.
One of the things that I am not going to do is to project anything regarding her behavior and her lack of initiating contact or conversation. I will try not to read anything into it and make my decisions based on what I feel is best for me.
And if there is going to be an 'us' in the days ahead, I will have to let that be enough, that I am still in the game. Still worried about her own personal concerns and may have to call her on that. Hopefully later, because I am not willing to risk blowing the whole thing up over something that is estimated at without scale.
One thing I know, is that sometimes she makes me feel alone. I HATE feeling alone and I have a hatred for the conditions that make me feel alone. I would change them but...
From the very beginning I saw the potential to connect and make real friendships online with people. The AOL Britpop chat room was one place I found myself interacting and connecting with people a bit younger but no less a real friend to me than any I had in the analog world. Same same with my stint on the message boards and now that has manifest itself into a possible connection with Nebraska. So it is not that I consider these virtual relationships as intangible concepts but very real and solid as any other relations I may have in the analog world.
LULL
Sometimes I think that she may not have the same kind of view of our relationship on line. I have no real way of confirming how she may feel but I had always known that I was a low priority in her life when our friendship first started. That was fine, because though I knew she 'tolerated' me, I also knew that she felt something regarding me, otherwise she would not have ever responded when I would IM or later when I would email her.
Like in our IM chats, there would be long breaks where she would not respond or even leave a cursory 'brb' so I would at least know she was aware that I was sitting in front of a screen under the impression that she was 'here' with me. Instead for long, stretched minutes, she would not say anything lending to my belief that she thought of me as a silly little boy in man's clothes. It made me feel 'less than', but that is something I had dealt with and fought since I can remember having to face off with it, so I was not perturbed. Much.
Whether or not it is the way it is supposed to be or not, I will never be a fan of having to put myself out a further than I would like to. I really could care less of the ritual of the man having to ceaselessly chase and pursue the woman, for no other reason than her entertainment. Or so it seems to me.
I did not tell her that part of the reason that I was not as 'romantic' or showed her as much affection as I KNOW I would like is partially because of her insistence that this move is all about what is best for me. If I have to think 'me first', then my approach to moving to Nebraska has to be different as well, particularly because it is much more of a challenge to concentrate and get the things I need to get done, accomplished. Cutting of distractions and things I am unsure of is part of my operating procedure (and why I would rather not have the worry of being in my sister's wedding and being concerned about 'other things') and I believe that inviting unnecessary potential issues in my life will only cause larger and more serious complications in my life.
Being 'unsure' about her as we are supposedly closer together is one of those 'distractions'. I have been unable to really write or talk with her this week. Now, I am sure she is a busy woman with plenty to do and things on her mind to keep it occupied. But I thought she would have found the time to send a note or something, particularly since we have not really 'spoken' this week, save my text message.
'Thx'. That was her reply to two text messages. I am not sure but I do think that the both of them ('Miss U' and 'kisses') were adequately affectionate and should have earned more than a impersonal 'Thx'. What it has done is set me on a 're-envisioning of my vision' of our relationship and more importantly, my life in Omaha.
There is a something that she has alluded to more than once about possible difficulties with her having a boyfriend or a suitor in town with her. What it is, I am not sure and I have not spent a lot of time in trying to figure out why she is worried or exactly what she is worried about.
Nor do I plan to. After all, this move is supposed to be about what is best for me.
THIRD MEASUREMENT
Though I feel 'different' about Detroit this time around, I do feel confident that I can build my life up here. Of this belief, there is no doubt. What there is doubt of, is in Nebraska and any prospective relationship we may have. Going back to her issues of being able to behave in a relationship where there is potentially daily or near daily interaction and for lack of a better term, behaving responsible in a relationship, that is a stumbling block for my going to Nebraska. While I do like it enough to go on be on my own, it takes enough points off fro staying in Detroit to close the gap.
I could see KT on a long weekend sooner or Lexxie, if her Mom would be realistic (I am sure she would be but I am not inclined to take her reasonableness for granted). Then there is the longshot hope that Skye comes around and we can have a better relationship.
Finding what I need to find would be a lot easier and I am extremely sure to the point of complete certainty that I could find my way to what I need to look for. The only challenge I would really have to face is getting my college life in gear, and that is more of a matter of will than anything else.
One of the things that I am not going to do is to project anything regarding her behavior and her lack of initiating contact or conversation. I will try not to read anything into it and make my decisions based on what I feel is best for me.
And if there is going to be an 'us' in the days ahead, I will have to let that be enough, that I am still in the game. Still worried about her own personal concerns and may have to call her on that. Hopefully later, because I am not willing to risk blowing the whole thing up over something that is estimated at without scale.
One thing I know, is that sometimes she makes me feel alone. I HATE feeling alone and I have a hatred for the conditions that make me feel alone. I would change them but...
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