GETTING OFF DRAMA ISLAND

THIS ISN'T ABOUT ANYTHING

A segment that doesn't relate directly to anything, but as the kids say, "It is what it is."

Monday February 23rd, AKA and I hung out over her parents house ... she had been blue over the previous weekend, and I went by to cheer her up. It would help, I thought, to let her know that I was thinking about her.

I know that she is in love with me. But I am not in love with her.

Our issues match up poorly, and this week was example #1 of that. I went visit her, as she was at home and her parents were out of town. Besides, as I knew she was feeling poorly, I aimed to help her feel cheered.

Unfortunately, I was in the start of a 'less than good' week. Missing my keys and some of my personal effects ... when I shouldn't have. I am trying to develop my personal habits, and somehow the stuff went 'missing'. Visiting AKA was not the best thing for me.

Her 'complications' mixed badly with mine. She is looking for commiseration, and indulges in pity. For me, I think I have to fight against that. Things are going to happen with me, and I have chosen to 'rage, rage, against the dying of the night'.

I was very critical of her. Told her what is the central point of this entry, that even though I care about her, we match up poorly. She feels compelled to invite pity on her, and I can't do that.

We really are cut from a similar cloth. Great potential, great hopes instilled in us, and very good starts. But somewhere in the process, we fell off, simple as that. We have dealt with our under achievements in different ways.

I use mine to keep me motivated to continue on, striving and hopeful. AKA, in my opinion, is buried and lost from not finding her way, and is lost. She invites sympathy, as if that alone will make her lack of achievement better. She sets unrealistic goals, unrealistic not because of their reach, but because she won't take the steps to make them become a reality.

And like the Mike Singletary drum I have been beating lately, people like that, "I can't coach with, can't play with, I can't win with".

Period.

... haven't we seen this movie before?

She reminds me of 'Jenny', from 'Forest Gump'. The drama that she brought in my life was damaging. The way that I called and called after her, and how she ignored my calls, had me concerned. I broke my protocol, and went after her, several times riding by her house to see if she was at her parents.

Last night, her Mom and Dad came home, and she was 'up and at 'em'. Which is all I wanted to see as the relief in me was washing over me in waves ... Now, I still will have a relationship with her, but it will definitely be curbed.

I am going to let her go off on her own. The relationship parameters have changed, permanently.

Diva is as Diva does

Perahps I should have used Hines Ward for my last post, a professional, professional. He plays hard, and plays to win. He broke that cat for the Bengals' jaw, but it wasn't a dirty play. He did his job selflessly. Anywho, I had thought that Terrell Owens was finally mature enough to do his job, but it is looking like he is, but not so much.

Spoke to AKA last night, and though I miss her, the 'you ain't no daisy' concept was thick in my mind. I miss her company and all, BUT she was wrong in my eyes, all other things nonwithstanding. I explained to her how I am trying to find my new normal, and dealing with her indecisiveness is something I had chosen to do, because I like her.

Her attitude regarding my talking to myself, and how it affects her, was selfish as well as thoughtless. So while I may miss her, I wasn't going to be coming back crawling on my knees. "Look", I said, "I have cheated on a spouse and went back to her, so I know what it takes to apologize. With you, as much as I miss you, you were WRONG. I WILL NOT be apologizing to you.

She then asked if saying sorry would make things better. Told her at this point, there is a chance. I told her, given what she thinks of herself, I would have to wonder about the sincerity.

Put a deadline on it. Since she hasn't told her parents (something that I thought was obvious, with her Da calling on me and all) that we aren't talking, to me, it meant that there was SOMETHING going on with her too. But I came back to my point about having had to 'apologize' before, and knowing that if you have stepped on someone's toes, no matter what it would take to make things right, you would find a way to make things right.

When you get back in, that is when you work on the little things.

But where I am at with her right now, is to let her fade away. Right now, I would take her back into my life, yeah sure. By Wednesday, uh, maybe not so much. Explained that as a fighter, you can say whatever you want, talk about how bad you are and what you are going to do, but when the bell rings, the bell has rung. All that crap you said about yourself, what you are going to do doesn't mean a thing.

AKA has talked enough smack, and I told her that I didn't see her as that kind of person, because she had never been that way with me. Had she, we'd had this conversation THEN, and wouldn't be talking at ALL by now.

Nebraska has some of that in her as well. Don't know what is actually going on with her, but I will send her a 'is everything alright' note. I get the feeling that once again, "the hero business comes down to me," with her too.

Perhaps I need to make a decision about my '09 sooner than later. I had hoped that I could at least get to February before I made any major adjustments to my goal, but maybe that isn't what is going to happen. We will see, because my position is still good.