We'll both have to find out on our own...

And now I guess Nebraska has been having second thoughts about our relationship and what went wrong with ‘us’. She says that I made things ‘all about me’ whenever we tried to discuss us and I am assuming even now, with us at this precarious stage in our relationship that she feels I am making things more about ‘me’ than ‘her’ or even ‘us’.


Of course I don’t agree. But this is not the first time this has ever been said about me, so I looked back and checked to see WHY I may be compelled to have ‘made it about me’ in my personal history.


By my estimation ( and that is the only one that counts, anyway!), when I am being accused of what amounts to being selfish and self-centered, usually but not always, I am not being selfish at all. What I feel is happening is that I feel that it is necessary for me to think more about my own interest and for me to ‘disagree’ with whoever I am in a relationship with, in this case with Nebraska, and to stop being this selfless, loving person that I may have entered into the relationship as, and who I would like to continue to be within said relationship.


Not only that, because there are unsaid expectations that I am being held to when I begin to disagree with the direction of the relationship, that has to enter into the estimation as a factor in ‘it becoming about me’ as well. After all, the self-centeredness contradicts with the adoring, pleasant and selfless cat that I start off in the relationship as being. It isn’t that I don’t think or even want to be who I think I am but I am compelled by my instincts to become this ‘other person’ who is self-centered, at least by the perspective of Nebraska.


There are some things that I don’t feel required to do in a relationship. Whenever I find myself thinking critically about a person, I know that there is not much that I can do. I can make decisions with the intent to improve how we connect with each other, as I did when I asked her out to watch the game with me, and it becomes an explosive petri dish of all of the characteristics that clash between us, with a blow up between us being a matter of time.


With the problems in our relationship being unique to me, there isn’t a reason for us to try for ‘closure’ and talking things out. It is unlikely for something to ‘happen’ between us because I don’t think we can communicate effectively as friends, much less as a couple. I think she has been confused and that lack of focus has clearly led us to this impasse. For me to even hint at a reconciliation would be disingenuous at best. Additionally, neither of us would ‘learn’ much because of my individual qualities are unlikely to be found in any potential partner she’d run across in her future.