WHEN THE MAINFRAME BREAKS AGAIN

THE FRITZ

Everything IS up in the air.

The chain reaction caused by this episode has spun dangerously close to being out of control. Everything that made going to Nebraska (the place) such an excellent adventure, has been revealed in the past few days.

I am so confident in my ability to take care of myself, that when I was preparing myself to leave Mookie, the first priority was to pick a place that I could feel 'safe' in. Pretty much anyplace with a population over 100 and two stop lights could be a dangerous place for me, but the point being Nebraska is much less a threatening place.

With Nebraska (the person) offering friendship, that would be acceptable. My relationship with Mookie had become loveless, sexless, and I was all but celibate. A 'friendship' with her would have been interesting. I would have had not a problem with her being full of me and letting me know that. I would have been free to let her know that too.

The thing I was looking forward to the most, is being free.

Maybe after I had been there a couple of years and tracking in a specific direction, maybe she would make a move towards a relationship. If not, that would be cool to.

While I have confidence in myself, I do worry about 'pacing'. In the Sportscenter Highlight of my life, I get in country, get a job bagging groceries and find my way to the local community college. Although I would miss Astoria cookies (as you can no doubt tell, I would REALLY miss that place ... best cookies ever!!), I would find another place to get my treats, read the paper and drink coffee.

I miss my own place.

Being on my own would mean that I could get a big calendar and put it up near the front door, one that you can see from across a room. I would look up from my love seat (because I would have a chair and would sit there ... company in the love seat) and be able to know what I was supposed to do.

Do you know that I have over 60 extra blood pressure pills? Do you want to know how I got them? Each one represents a day that I forgot to take my medicine. How could you forget to take your medicine? Well, for me the answer is simple. Things that complicate my day to day so much that it 'spills', then stuff gets shuffled off.

And I do know how important that it is that I take my medicine. I don't know if 'things' are genetically linked, but usually when one person has a stroke or heart trouble in a family, so will someone else. There are five that I know of, and three of them are me, my darling brother, and our Mother.

Having to think about how I need to be so that someone else can figure out what they need to do, to get what they want for us, which may or may not be what I would want for me, or us ...

... eh, as long as they are happy, I guess.

There have been times where I have thought that was a problem of mine. In a relationship, I would 'go there' for someone without the expectation that they would ever go there for me.

AKA took her own personal exceptions, tried to put 'business' out that I include on my own brochures and presentations, but most of it was fairly accurate. How is that for irony? That I am non plussed by what she said.

But it did get to the SFC. And again, this is the trouble I have with worrying about the people in MY past, and trying to start a relationship with them.

If they called it or I did, I don't believe in the big air clearing finish. I will ask the same question ... are you sure this is what you want?

SEE, I GAVE AT THE OFFICE

I wonder if they are sure, because when they are sure I consider myself 'relieved from duty'. There are 'things' that I have done for people that they didn't ask me to do for them, but I felt needed to be done.

What if I did like my thieving nephew, and IGNORED A FREAKIN' WARNING ALARM. Sure, it could have been a malfunction. But I know better than that, to ignore a 'life or death' signal'. So I did what I had to, and if it cost me a few dollars, rather that, because what a crap alternative.

One of the things about being unattached that holds so much allure for me, is that when I have been single, I have done well. Went to school, found decent work, boxed and traveled (ugly American indeed ... I had to have GONE SOMEWHERE to make that a true statement, dontcha know!!), being by myself.

Knowing the risks for me, I can pretty much take on what I am going to get into. But with someone? The dynamic changes ... and it has not always been to my benefit.

Getting back to how dating someone you once dated is a bad idea that no one had to tell me why, is that there are three version to every story. You have yours, they have theirs, and then there is the truth.

I never lost sight that there was 'a truth' to things. Which is why I had made the conscious decision to let go when it was time to let go. I have had some thoughts about people ... every platonic relationship since I met her has been based upon me and the SFC. She is a pretty girl, and I was able not to try to be a wolf with her. In fact, saying that it had never occurred to me is closer to the truth that anyone could possibly know.

Because if I had been intimate with her when we were kids, then it would have quite possibly changed my motivation for 'dying for her'. No, I never thought that I would get anything back, nor do I WANT anything for what I thought, for what made sense to me in my mind.

Had I waited for someone to tell me that it 'made sense', I very well could be dead. Being able to act, to 'get off first'. When you are able to 'act' instead of 'react', you can win the day. And if you don't win the day, you can change the course of things and be in position to take advantage of the result.

As a single entity, I could 'be first'. Go in the direction of my inspiration unencumbered by the weight and worry of others. This is an important factor to me, because I am not sure if I can trust anyone to be worried about me.

For the past two weeks, the twins, Army Sister and Best Sister along with Family Friend have been hanging together in Kansas. Army is going out of country for three years, Best Sister had mentioned enlisting, and I was going to Nebraska for the longest time.

Of course, things are up in the air for me. But on Face Book, though I would 'speak' to them and their various postings, no one responded to me. Then AKA flamed me, and still no acknowledgement. I am not sure how this works, but I would have thought that they said something ... that one of their friends thought enough to look in on me ...

Honestly, objectively, what happened did not mean anything to me. But it revealed to me what is best for me. When I get 'jumped', whether electronically or in the physical sense, the only person to have put their back to mine, is gone.

My darling brother, who couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag. But he wouldn't leave me to be savaged, whether I was right or wrong. I was his brother, and that would have been enough.

Sorry about the length and sorry about the whining. I would rather that someone from 'My Early Burglary Years' were trying to come back and get at me. But that isn't how it works. It is either you are doing it to your self, or someone who is close to you that will 'screw you in the drive thru'.

I am going to have to do some 'goat thinkin', and get back to tracking what it is I WANT from life, and figure out what life expects from me.

WILL I WONDER?

OF COURSE, NOW SHE TELLS ME!

I don't know what Nebraska thought when all this started, that she was dealing with someone who was full of crap and popping spit out of his butt, but it is now that she clearly shows her true feelings for me.

She not only has taken the right approach (if it is an approach) on how to deal with me, but it is also too late. The only thing that could happen now, is if the SFC were to say or do something that would scuttle things.

That isn't going to happen. So again Stupendous Man ... the hero business is up to you!

Meaning that the only way to screw this up, is for me to screw this up! Kelly is going to support me as far as going to school is concerned. My degree may well be well traveled like Sarah Palin's, but she will ride me to the walk. I would like to think that I will be in front of a classroom by the mid-teens, somewhere in New Jersey, prolly. Ugh, the weather. I would like somewhere without the snow, but it isn't like I was going to a sunbelt state anyway!

I figure with a teacher's salary and hers combined, we'd make enough for us to get by. I am also meditating on the idea that I will be working for most of the rest of my life ... I will accept that these few years have been my 'break'.

'Break'. Right. TBI is a 'break'. Every now and then, I worry about how this is going to follow me like my shadow. I don't know what is really in store for me, but I absolutely know that I can trust the SFC. That she wants me, is so significant. It wasn't as though she has yearned for me, more that it came to her as we spoke.

I am going to really have to get my stuff in gear. Go and purchase a few more CD cases, and start working with that stuff. Seperate the clothes and set them out. August is going to fly by. October would be a little better for me, personally. We will see.

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A MONTH MAKES!!

IN THE MOMENTS OF URGENCY

I went ahead and made reservations to fly in October to Nebraska. Only after I made the reservation, did someone call me from one of the agencies I was told to contact to make arrangements to find a place for me to live!


They said that they would gladly mail applications ... not what the other conctact said. That is what the trip is for, to fill out paperwork and such.

When I decided to get my plane ticket to fly out and meet with the Housing Authority, it was done after what it was that I was waiting for. To my understanding, there would be a lag time of up to 6 mos. before I would find out if I qualified for housing. If I waited until the end of the year, then I would be skirting the fringes of my 'sell by date', putting me in June of next year. Because 'stuff happens', and to take advantage of the advertised sale on airfare, I went on and made my October reservation. I should have 'pocket change' for the trip because it is days after my check arrive. I don't need to 'save' specifically for the trip. I can concentrate on getting back on my self payment schedule, and try to get my savings to that magic number of $2ooo again.

Even that doesn't seem to be enough, but that is the target. There is some less than good feedback from whatever link Nebraska the person and I have right now. One of the positive things from this rapproachment is that I get to ask myself again, is it for her or is this for me?

Louder and clearer, it comes back that this is for me. That is why I am going to be comfortable should it come about that I am sitting here in March of '10. Because that will only mean that I am getting ready to leave, not that I have resigned to remaining here.

You know what ...

... this reads like a whiny diary!!

Since finding a job has been shelved for now, I have to really draw up a good and functional budget for my future.

Right now, I want to save half of my monthly allowance for the next three to four months. Had been doing a quarter, as I made some basic purchases to build up my flagging wardrobe. Now I will be able to do a piecemeal kind of shopping for things, until winter. I don't think I will have to shop for different weights, as I don't think Nebraska is going to be too different from Michigan. Besides, I don't bother too much with dressing for the weather. Other than hat and gloves, I am good year round.

Could not come to terms with Sandie for an away trip. Will go forward with the Carolina trip. I should start getting that lined up in June ... perhaps letting Nixxie know the details for my arrival nearer the end of May.

Will look at February as a target date for my relocation. Though I will be packing throughout the summer, I don't think I am going to rush there, short of the money I want to be 'in country' with. Had thought I would chance it, but if I can't get there with the dollars I have already said I will feel comfortable with, then I won't leave.

But I will be going somewhere.

Another thing is that I aim to keep my shopping tight. I don't like that I have to shop and watch what I purchase be devoured thoughtlessly. Better I should line up at the trough and do what everyone else is doing. It really is a change in how I like to go about things, but it is necessary if I want to get off to a good start in Nebraska.

I will prolly go there in November to get the paperwork that I am supposed to put in for housing started. Then come home and wait. Will talk it up with my Dad in October about helping me get there. If I have to leave stuff, then so be it, but I would prefer not to.

COMPARISON FEEL ... SORTA

THING 1 AND THING 2

My twins, my Army Sister and my Best Sister rolled thru town. It was just a brief stop, for my Army Sister to deal with some details before she ships out with her family for 3 years in the R.O.K. .

As soon as someone emails me some pictures, I will post 'em up! It felt good speaking with them, especially listening to how much they've grown. Both of them looked good, and man, talk about good energy.

TALK OF THE NATION(16Apr09)

Riding around with AKA the other day, and she obliged me by tuning in to WUOM (ok, one more again ... I know that she is IN love with me ...) and the topic was how the situation has changed, as more and more adult children rely on Mom and Dad to help them out.

We caught the segment in the middle, and the guest on was a lady who was a 'tough love' kind of person. She talked about how the economy is making it more difficult for parents to help out adult children.

I felt a little squirmy listening, because some of it had to land near the fence, if not home. Not for me, as the lady explained the difference between self-sustaining children who are in distress, or those who are back in the home for medical reasons. I could claim both of those, and it wouldn't be a 'fake out'. That is why we were riding, because I had to a medical appointment.

Sorta wished she could have been a fly on the ground when me and the twins were talking ... I don't know how 'feasible' anything is, only that it will be more feasible than doing nothing. I have never tried to get too deep with AKA, because I never liked how she dealt with the contradictions in the beginning of our relationship.

Not like I don't know how some of my dealings play in Poughkeepsie, and initially, how they would play with her. Yet and still, she hung around me ... always straddling the lines.

Then, when I started to get to know her better, I was ...

Unlike some women, it has never been a problem for men to let Eliza Doolittle, be old Eliza Doolittle. Only 'Sugar Daddies' who can do something such as rehabilitate a woman like that ON A BET, even try.

Besides ... we have already had that conversation. And that is that with that.

IT'S SPRING

And I am renewed. I think I am fit and fine for action, healed from whatever I needed to be healed from with Mookie (though I would say that began when I spent time in Chi-town with 'braska). Money troubles are spring up, and that is troubling. I don't know how I am going to make up for the loss of cash.

I plan on springing my plans on my Dad in August ... and hopefully an October trip to Nebraska to deal with my paperwork. If I can fit in a trip to see KT, then I can really push aside all other ideas and notions, and get ready to move!!

What a shaky start!

FIRST...

I lost my house keys ... but I had to have had them when I left the house. See, before I leave the house, I physically look for my keys. So I knew without a doubt that I had them when I started out.


Then when I got to the store, I had to lock my bike. The bike lock key is on the same group of keys as the house keys. So I unlock my bike, and start for home DIRECTLY, DO NOT PASS GO. When I get to the door ... I could not find my keys. I turned my bag inside out looking for them.


So I spent most of the day looking in vain for them, riding up and down Plymouth. Kept hoping that whoever saw them, left them lying there after they saw that the small purse they were attached to, had no money, only my bus card.


SECOND


AKA and I ran up against it. Her parents went to Vegas for a week at the start of the month. She was feeling a blue and I knew it. So I made the journey on my bicycle to her house.


We got to talking about 'stuff', and something in me had me tell her 'what I saw' in her. I think that I was bothered by my keys and stuff, otherwise, I would have nodded and given her the 'there, there' pat on the back that she was obviously looking for.


I didn't. I told her about how I saw her, that she doesn't want to take charge of her life. "We are very similiar, you and I. We both had youths that flashed potential, and we both have fallen far short the promise we showed."


"The difference between us, is that I have fooled myself into believing that I can still have SOMETHING worthwhile in my life to look forward to, and you ... you need to forgive yourself and make the most of what you still have."

"You need to stop wishing for what you could have had, and start doing what you can do, and have a good life." I don't think that is what she wanted to hear. She wanted more sympathy. But I don't like sympathy for myself ... I know I 'could have', just like her. Might have even been closer to making things for me 'happen' than she was for herself, I don't know and I don't really care.

Left her, then I did not hear from her for the rest of the week. Then I remembered that I have heard and seen of this movie ... so I called her and called her. She did not answer. I went by her house and she didn't answer the door, even though I knew she hadn't moved the car.


My worry? That her parents would come home and find their youngest daughter ... and I had been the last person who spoke with her. Uh, not on my watch! I swallowed my pride, and kept calling and emailing her. When I saw that she recieved the email, I knew she was at least up and at 'em. The night her parents came home, I rode by, and there she was, hale and healthy.

Pecan Sandie calls ME the drama queen (when I think she lives on Total Drama Island ... but that is me)




THIRD

A good friend of mine, Mickey Goodwin passed. He was alone at home when he had a stroke. They think that it happened as he was headed for the basement. He crarwled back up the stairs to the main floor.


Along with Thomas Hearns and Hilmer Kenty, Mickey was one of the big names when Kronk first became a big time gym for boxing. I remember that the Kronk Recreation Center had all the big time programs, football, baseball and basketball for the west side. It wasn't until Emmanuel Steward came and it became the place for boxing, not just on the west side, but after a while, the country!


Mick caught some tough breaks, and really didn't ever get his shot. But he seemed to be a good guy. I really got to know him when he began to train fighters, and he worked with me for some fights at the end of my string. We went to Canada a few times, and then somewhere in Europe ... Sweden or Norway. He was a great guy.


It was different seeing him as a trainer than it was being a jr. fighter and he was one of the 'princes' of the gym. But he wasn't a jerk then, and wasn't now. One of the big reasons his passing 'got to me', isn't only the suddeness, but that he was 50 when it happened. Not far for me to go before I get to that age ... I hope that I can make it that far.


FOURTH


I had written to Skye even before my Best Sister came around. So when she got back to Detroit, frustrated with family matters (or so the Germans would have me believe), she sat down and tried to put some of her issues off on me.


Our family is such a mess. We are over with our father, and neither of us feel any link to our blood. That is something that for me, is simply because I went my own way. For her, she is disappointed at the lack of closeness between her and her family.


Why? I can't explain it in depth, but again, Jan rears her head. But I didn't want to get all into that, and I didn't. When she gave me the hassles about not being able to see Skye, I held her up on that.


For what, it seemed like who ever I tried to go out with, from the two girls in high school, to my ex wife and Pecan Sandie, my sister took their side. Of course, they were led by Jan, who simply doesn't like black men. Never knew why, because we never talked like that. Do know that she has her self-loathing thing, and only has been with non-black men ... starter marriage with some white cat blew up some time ago.


Anywho, when my Best Sister was griefin' me over not being able to see her nieces (Skye and her older sister, BJ) she wanted to put all that on me. I don't have too much of a problem being 'the bad guy', because for real, I am. Bad choices, led to bad actions, and they brought about bad results. That is why I don't spend much time wondering why things ended up such a mess. Nor do I try to get out of the way of the skewering that comes my way.


But I am tired of being let down by my family. Period. Now, she wants to treat me like a rented mule because of HER disappointments, that she wants to believes in her fantasy about her family is her problem, not mine. She is 29, and what she keeps trying to put on her peeps never existed for her. One day, she is telling me about how she doesn't want to see her sister's and how they still talk bad about her, with cousins and my ex wife. The next, she is asking why they aren't close ...


... so I stopped her and told her what I thought. It is pretty simple. Jan didn't like you as we grew up. I did. Period.


When my marriage started to dissolve, for whatever reason, you took my ex wife's side. I could care less what anyone thought, I would not have taken someone who I wasn't related to side, in such a scene. I mean, unless I was doing something abnormal, what would make you not have my back?


I was the one getting hit, disrespected, treated like I was nothing. When I could have used someone backing me up, to help me figure out what's what, who could I have turned to? I don't see how anyone believed her, after growing up with me, and knowing what type of person I am ...


We'd eventually come to terms, but by now, my emotions were stretch. Then there came my run in on 'Second Life'!


FIFTH

I know that 'Second Life' is a gaming thing, where you have avatars and you build a virtual life. But that is how I feel about all online interaction, that it give people the ability to transcend their existence. Not everyone is 'false' out her, and I believe that there are more authentic folks out here than not ...

I try to communicate the person I am thru my journal. My life is messy, and I put my actual life out here for inspection and comment, much for the same reason I didn't feel like hearing my Best Sister put any of her not being able to see her nieces on me. The reality of our relationships has been one where I haven't had anyone to help 'guide' me through my trials. It sounds self serving to mention that I have been available to my younger sibs ... but it is true. I made my mistakes, and I try to live thru them.

When Mookie and I started to fray, I started keeping a journal on line, because I had hoped to connect to someone who could give me advice and would comment on how I was doing, as well as because it was far easier for me to type than it is to write. Now, I have gotten better at writing, and I do keep a journal that I write in.

But not everyone who reads, is a fan of my life choices. Not like I don't know that ... hell, some of them I AM NOT A FAN OF. It is, however messy or unpleasant, my life.

Now, Miss Alainueus is a local blogger/reader, who is a teacher somewhere in the Metro area. I would not mind meeting her, just to take a picture and say that I have met her. Yes, I am a fan of hers, because she teaches and I have the utmost respect for teachers. I should have taught, because that is what I wanted to do. Going to A&T to get a business degree, while a good idea, wasn't a passion.

So I think teachers are dreamy, the same way people think of firemen and police officers. Doesn't mean I am obsessed or anything. Now, she may be a reader of my mess, but that doesn't mean that she likes me.

Twice, since I have started keeping my journal on line, readers have suggested that I try to meet her. Once last year, and recently, someone urged me to get together with her again. So I dutifully emailed her, and she politely but firmly said no.

No worries, she said no. I have heard 'no' before, and it hasn't killed me ... yet!

I read her journal. She went out, and had some fun. The kind of fun that I wished that I could have. Even when I am 'out', I am almost always alone, and I don't have the same kind of adventure that she described on a trip she took to Chicago.

I thought that I couched my 'why' neatly and in a way that she wouldn't find offensive. Because I didn't want to know 'why' because she didn't want to go out with me, but because I wanted to know what I should look for, so that I COULD have a night like that. I even mentioned that I wasn't trying to be clever or trying to get personal, but I had hoped ...

... well, THAT didn't matter. She lit me up, hitting me with both barrels. And given my particular state at the start of this month ... it had me do something 'squirrely'.

I wrote about it to another online friend ... why, I don't know. So perhaps I have succeed in alienating TWO of my online friends. Not only that, it has sent me into a rut. I think that the person I wrote, did not apprieciate my intrusion, either.

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

It means that I am going to cut back my online stuff. Fewer comments, and fewer blogs read. All this stuff is clutter anyway.

March ... the ides of March. Time to get a Cinnabon, and call it a day!

GETTING OFF DRAMA ISLAND

THIS ISN'T ABOUT ANYTHING

A segment that doesn't relate directly to anything, but as the kids say, "It is what it is."

Monday February 23rd, AKA and I hung out over her parents house ... she had been blue over the previous weekend, and I went by to cheer her up. It would help, I thought, to let her know that I was thinking about her.

I know that she is in love with me. But I am not in love with her.

Our issues match up poorly, and this week was example #1 of that. I went visit her, as she was at home and her parents were out of town. Besides, as I knew she was feeling poorly, I aimed to help her feel cheered.

Unfortunately, I was in the start of a 'less than good' week. Missing my keys and some of my personal effects ... when I shouldn't have. I am trying to develop my personal habits, and somehow the stuff went 'missing'. Visiting AKA was not the best thing for me.

Her 'complications' mixed badly with mine. She is looking for commiseration, and indulges in pity. For me, I think I have to fight against that. Things are going to happen with me, and I have chosen to 'rage, rage, against the dying of the night'.

I was very critical of her. Told her what is the central point of this entry, that even though I care about her, we match up poorly. She feels compelled to invite pity on her, and I can't do that.

We really are cut from a similar cloth. Great potential, great hopes instilled in us, and very good starts. But somewhere in the process, we fell off, simple as that. We have dealt with our under achievements in different ways.

I use mine to keep me motivated to continue on, striving and hopeful. AKA, in my opinion, is buried and lost from not finding her way, and is lost. She invites sympathy, as if that alone will make her lack of achievement better. She sets unrealistic goals, unrealistic not because of their reach, but because she won't take the steps to make them become a reality.

And like the Mike Singletary drum I have been beating lately, people like that, "I can't coach with, can't play with, I can't win with".

Period.

... haven't we seen this movie before?

She reminds me of 'Jenny', from 'Forest Gump'. The drama that she brought in my life was damaging. The way that I called and called after her, and how she ignored my calls, had me concerned. I broke my protocol, and went after her, several times riding by her house to see if she was at her parents.

Last night, her Mom and Dad came home, and she was 'up and at 'em'. Which is all I wanted to see as the relief in me was washing over me in waves ... Now, I still will have a relationship with her, but it will definitely be curbed.

I am going to let her go off on her own. The relationship parameters have changed, permanently.