VETERAN'S DAY
There are so many things that Veteran's Day has meant to me for the last 20 years that I don't think I can put them all into words.
Growing up, there was a lot of talk about why would a brother want to join a 'white man's Army' and all that. The draft had been stopped, Vietnam was not too long ended, and the carefree disco 70's were in full swing.
There was a lot of negative things said in the hood about being in the service, but for me it was always a real option. A cousin had a good experience when he was in the service, seeing a little bit of Vietnam and getting out and making something of his G.I. Bill. Then the series 'The World At War' and the huge Time-Life books about WW II made me think about how cool it would be go out and fight the Japs in the Pacific, hopping island to island.
My childhood summer's were spent in the jungles of the South Pacific, or liberating the surviving soldier of the marches to Bataan... even now those hot summer days that I find myself outside traveling long distances to nowhere recall those mental images. I have never let go of those memories.
When Page spoke to me her senior year, she asked me about what she wanted to do. She was Navy ROTC and wasn't trying to go straight to college. It wasn't that she didn't have the grades or the ability... but then, what do you call it when someone has the talent to do something but doesn't want to pursue something that many would say should be an obvious direction for them to take with the next step in their life?
I don't know what other advice she was getting about her future, but I remembered how crappy it was for me my junior and senior years. No one sat me down and spoke to me about anything. Wait, Ron and I had discussion about a future, but it was still one of me making up my own mind, rather than having things suggested and discussed. My Mom was in a 'different place' as far as I was concerned and my sister Sherita was the one that her and my Aunt Doris, who lived with us, were focused on.
So I sat down with Page, and we started getting material on the military. I explained the different missions of each branch of service and told her what I thought of each one based on my experience. She went Air Force along with a buddy of hers, who was a little drifty as well. I think it did the both of them a lot of good, giving them exactly what I thought it would, a fighting chance at making a good life.
I hope Page can get her 25 years in ... she will be a young woman still, early 40's, my age now or thereabouts. You do the math.
From watching the interview with Bob Knight, Mike Krzyzewski, and Bill Parcells, I began to feel a remorse for my Military Career. When I was in high school, the service was a 'top five' option, which is why I joined ROTC. It wasn't that I was squared away or anything like that. I was still a kid and was being a hormonally challenged teenager that knew just enough to keep the Army in mind for a career.
Though I had found the socialization part of high school such a challenge that it would affect my academics, turn in me into a underachieving student, I did still have the Army. Considering how my home life was, chaotic because I was rudderless, the Army shot up the charts. Because no matter what, I knew that I had to get out of Detroit.
At the time, had my Mom and Aunt really talked to me about college, I would have listened. But falling to a 'C' grade point average and other troubles like getting kicked out of Renaissance High at the end of my junior year, did not give them hope for me. I wonder why that was ... though I have an idea it was part of the insidiousness that infects the 'Black Matriarchal Complex' that did it. But I certainly aggravated things. Cutting classes and getting caught doing the 'ol' In and Out', while not signs of delinquency, didn't put me in a favorable light.
In the end, I was glad that I decided to take charge and make something happen in my life.
Myself, I had intended to go Air Force. But the Army recruiters were in the front of the office and once they got a hold of me, that was that!! I blew out the ASVAB test, and told them to put me in a job that I did not have to get dirty in!! At first I was in Fianance (ooh, how ironic!!), but when I pushed back my date (I don't remember why that happened or what I was thinking sooo ...) I ended up changing my MOS and that is how I became a 71 Lima.
I think that things shook out the way that they should have. I went to Korea and was having a great time. And this is where 'everything changes' ...
I am having a harder time than I thought dealing with seeing 'my military career' that I did not get to have or live. Another thing about the Sportscenter at West Point, was Sage Steele talking about her father who was a cadet and the first black man to letter at Army. It said so much about where SHE came from, and how she spoke about her father, 'The Colonel', it made my heart skip a beat.
Let's be honest. I would have never gotten married had I been able to stay in the service. Would have never met my ex Wife and would have kept on career tracking while I was in the Army. May have earned a campaign ribbon ... a couple of tabs ... a degree as well, who knows?
What I do know is that I never got to live the life I had wanted to live. That is a fact. Could have boxed forever ... Ray Mercer made it to the Olympic Team and the cat who I used to follow in the agate fight results in Ring Magazine, Carlos Elliot, a Marine station in Japan did get a title shot.
Every single day, a variation of these thoughts run through my mind. Everyday.
So being here in a place that I don't care for, surrounded by the life that was within reach as I try to deal with holding back the bitterness of disappointment, is difficult.
I am going to get up and find something to do, in spite of not wanting to do anything. Once again, I am going to try to live a life at someone's pace.
Do I really want to try this again?
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
WHAT IS GOING ON?
ESPN SPECIAL FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS FOR VETERANS DAY, 2009
Watching the Marines fight before the pro boxers got into the ring, made me long for what never was. I told the SFC that I was over it ... but how can I be over it, the ending of my career before it ever really had a chance? My unilateral sacrifice for what..?
I wish that I could not remember that night ... but I can, at least the essentials. One of the rare times I was out on the town, in the NCO club at Camp Henry playing slots and eating French Fries with mayonaisse. Man, I was such a kid! The decision to call the CQ desk was due to my roomie Thompson being on the desk.
When I got him, he told me that the SFC had been beat up ... I got angry. She was my friend and I could not imagine anyone doing that to her. Rushing to catch a cab and back to the barracks, and immediately got in the middle of the after effects. I can remember her little 'yobo', a too old and too immature homeboy from Detroit, going back and forth like a little lap dog.
Finding out who caused the ruckus was my next goal and the homey was running around getting on my nerves. Small as well as short, he couldn't exact anything from anyone other than change. Why did I let him tag along with me, I will never know. As soon as I thought about finding the cat ... he invited himself.
The cat was from the area finance unit. We struck out looking for him at the two NCO clubs and in the 'Villes' on both sides of town. Finally got a lead that he was up in his barracks trying to sleep off his hanging out.
Who knows how late it was ... 3 o'clock sounds good enough. I let the small homey come and when he picked up a two by four, I should have stopped and dismissed him. Hell, after we didn't find the cat on the streets as it was, we BOTH should have slept it off and let the MP's handle things.
Vigilante justice indeed ... homey and the SFC were 'bunk buddies', so he should have went on this kind of mission solo. But I loved her much as I could love anyone that I wasn't trying to actually BE in love with. My best friend ... calling her that was an understatement. She was my ONLY friend.
My conscious was 'on' and I knew what I was risking as we walked around Taegu, looking for the Finance cat. Why didn't I dismiss the homey ..? Let him handle what should have been his business? I will never know ...
You could say it was to prepare the both of us for 'now'. And I feel like I am following her along again, as uncertain as ever. She got a chance to make her life work. I know that she had her ups and downs, but when I think about what I gave up at eighteen and what I never had a chance to have ...
... like fighting in front of a bunch of guys in my unit, against someone from another unit or post or even branch of service. A townie or in a tournament. The chance to struggle to make the grade and gain rank. I still wonder if I would have gone on to Fort Dix and went in the enlisted to officer program?
I know that I had intentions on trying to do my 20 years in the service. In fact, still thought about trying to get back in many, many times. But I was so hurt by letting that gift opportunity go that I never tried to see what could have been done on my behalf. After leaving Mookie, I had hoped to finally get a chance to see what I was really capable of, and live for me.
Yet here I am in someone else's house and trying to be a part of somone elses world. Sure, I love the SFC and she is truly a special person in my heart. But I did give her my life once before... and I don't feel beholden to give it to her again.
Did I think about her in the interim ..? How could I not?? All this time ... the last 20 plus years as I have stumbled around looking for my special place, thinking about how if I had went on and taken classes at the USC affiliate, maybe I would have been doing something for myself and not out that night being random ...
... between that and my crappy marriage, I never thought that was fair what I experienced. But what could I do? I have tried as best as I can to 'get over it', but being here sometimes is a constant reminder of what never was for me ... and what I am still hoping for.
Watching the Marines fight before the pro boxers got into the ring, made me long for what never was. I told the SFC that I was over it ... but how can I be over it, the ending of my career before it ever really had a chance? My unilateral sacrifice for what..?
I wish that I could not remember that night ... but I can, at least the essentials. One of the rare times I was out on the town, in the NCO club at Camp Henry playing slots and eating French Fries with mayonaisse. Man, I was such a kid! The decision to call the CQ desk was due to my roomie Thompson being on the desk.
When I got him, he told me that the SFC had been beat up ... I got angry. She was my friend and I could not imagine anyone doing that to her. Rushing to catch a cab and back to the barracks, and immediately got in the middle of the after effects. I can remember her little 'yobo', a too old and too immature homeboy from Detroit, going back and forth like a little lap dog.
Finding out who caused the ruckus was my next goal and the homey was running around getting on my nerves. Small as well as short, he couldn't exact anything from anyone other than change. Why did I let him tag along with me, I will never know. As soon as I thought about finding the cat ... he invited himself.
The cat was from the area finance unit. We struck out looking for him at the two NCO clubs and in the 'Villes' on both sides of town. Finally got a lead that he was up in his barracks trying to sleep off his hanging out.
Who knows how late it was ... 3 o'clock sounds good enough. I let the small homey come and when he picked up a two by four, I should have stopped and dismissed him. Hell, after we didn't find the cat on the streets as it was, we BOTH should have slept it off and let the MP's handle things.
Vigilante justice indeed ... homey and the SFC were 'bunk buddies', so he should have went on this kind of mission solo. But I loved her much as I could love anyone that I wasn't trying to actually BE in love with. My best friend ... calling her that was an understatement. She was my ONLY friend.
My conscious was 'on' and I knew what I was risking as we walked around Taegu, looking for the Finance cat. Why didn't I dismiss the homey ..? Let him handle what should have been his business? I will never know ...
You could say it was to prepare the both of us for 'now'. And I feel like I am following her along again, as uncertain as ever. She got a chance to make her life work. I know that she had her ups and downs, but when I think about what I gave up at eighteen and what I never had a chance to have ...
... like fighting in front of a bunch of guys in my unit, against someone from another unit or post or even branch of service. A townie or in a tournament. The chance to struggle to make the grade and gain rank. I still wonder if I would have gone on to Fort Dix and went in the enlisted to officer program?
I know that I had intentions on trying to do my 20 years in the service. In fact, still thought about trying to get back in many, many times. But I was so hurt by letting that gift opportunity go that I never tried to see what could have been done on my behalf. After leaving Mookie, I had hoped to finally get a chance to see what I was really capable of, and live for me.
Yet here I am in someone else's house and trying to be a part of somone elses world. Sure, I love the SFC and she is truly a special person in my heart. But I did give her my life once before... and I don't feel beholden to give it to her again.
Did I think about her in the interim ..? How could I not?? All this time ... the last 20 plus years as I have stumbled around looking for my special place, thinking about how if I had went on and taken classes at the USC affiliate, maybe I would have been doing something for myself and not out that night being random ...
... between that and my crappy marriage, I never thought that was fair what I experienced. But what could I do? I have tried as best as I can to 'get over it', but being here sometimes is a constant reminder of what never was for me ... and what I am still hoping for.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Of Course, We Knew This Was Coming ...
What is notable about today is the email exchange between me and Nebraska today ...
The conversation centered around 'us', as though my being here was a stage we both had to go through before we get together make a child and ...
... and?
Yesterday I was asked to make a promise that "I would not hate, me" by the SFC. What does she know about herself that I don't??
Right now, the components are there for problems. I can see where this will lead to a major issue later. First off, is my denial about how two people say they feel about me and how I am dealing with their emotions.
Will have to keep my eyes on the ball, and do what I have to do with my SFC. The external problems, environmental problems, are things that I knew before I came here. So I have to deal with them. Period. Did I underestimate them? I think I did, but there is 'no crying in baseball'.
I don't like where I am at but I do love who I am with. That means things should work out ... and they will!!
The conversation centered around 'us', as though my being here was a stage we both had to go through before we get together make a child and ...
... and?
Yesterday I was asked to make a promise that "I would not hate, me" by the SFC. What does she know about herself that I don't??
Right now, the components are there for problems. I can see where this will lead to a major issue later. First off, is my denial about how two people say they feel about me and how I am dealing with their emotions.
Will have to keep my eyes on the ball, and do what I have to do with my SFC. The external problems, environmental problems, are things that I knew before I came here. So I have to deal with them. Period. Did I underestimate them? I think I did, but there is 'no crying in baseball'.
I don't like where I am at but I do love who I am with. That means things should work out ... and they will!!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
IN THE O'DARK HOURS OF A NEW BEGINNING
Thank you for the conversation last night. It made me feel so much better. I do love you Mark.
My step sister forwarded this today and I thought how timely to receive it. Most times, I skip over all those forwarded emails, but it was meant to be read today.
I am at peace with you leaving for Virginia. You didn't see me as the right fit for you and that is okay. It's your life and you have to do what is best for you. Someday, I will have to make that decision for me and my family.
My wish and hope for you is happiness and love. I mean that Mark. I think you are a good man and you deserve those blessings. Always remember your promiseL: If it's not for you, Omaha will be waiting. Don't take any crap. As your friend first...I'll be there for you.
Have a wonderful life Mr. Johnson. Again, I do love and sincerely care about you.
I don't know if we will ever talk again, let alone get a chance to be with one another. I hope not.
Nebraska has been a revelation the past three months. Since I got back from my first visit to Virginia in July, we have explored new areas of our relationship. But they were things that we should have been discussing months ago.
Should I have pressed her more? That was part of the purpose of NOT pressing. I wanted someone to let me know that they wanted me. I understand that I have my faults, but this is a different stage of the game. I know that I am not only capable of making a good life, but I am a great and loving partner. I don't think of myself as the 'How Soon Is Now?' character ... I don't think I have a new 'theme song' for my life.
I think that I am finally going to get a chance to just 'live'.
This is what I wanted ... someone who knew me and wanted me. Someone who was aware of my potential and was going to help me maximize myself. A person who could understand that what they did for me, they would get back in many ways. And I already know that is what the SFC is all about.
I can remember wondering what she saw in the cat she hung with where we were stationed together... wondering why she and I didn't ever get that 'close' since we were already right next to one another. I mean, the one thing was I like full figured women, is most obvious!
But I also did think that I should not bother someone who I worked with. The one time that I did, messing with SD near the end of my run working, was a tension filled relationship. If anything, it proved the rule.
For real, I am getting a chance to be with my best friend and lover. I can't imagine a better circumstance for me to be in. The SFC fills my heart and with things being this close ... I am ecstatic! Finally, something super good has finally happened to me, like the stories I have seen and heard about happening to other people. Now I have to make sure that it has a great run and a happy ending!!
My step sister forwarded this today and I thought how timely to receive it. Most times, I skip over all those forwarded emails, but it was meant to be read today.
I am at peace with you leaving for Virginia. You didn't see me as the right fit for you and that is okay. It's your life and you have to do what is best for you. Someday, I will have to make that decision for me and my family.
My wish and hope for you is happiness and love. I mean that Mark. I think you are a good man and you deserve those blessings. Always remember your promiseL: If it's not for you, Omaha will be waiting. Don't take any crap. As your friend first...I'll be there for you.
Have a wonderful life Mr. Johnson. Again, I do love and sincerely care about you.
I don't know if we will ever talk again, let alone get a chance to be with one another. I hope not.
Nebraska has been a revelation the past three months. Since I got back from my first visit to Virginia in July, we have explored new areas of our relationship. But they were things that we should have been discussing months ago.
Should I have pressed her more? That was part of the purpose of NOT pressing. I wanted someone to let me know that they wanted me. I understand that I have my faults, but this is a different stage of the game. I know that I am not only capable of making a good life, but I am a great and loving partner. I don't think of myself as the 'How Soon Is Now?' character ... I don't think I have a new 'theme song' for my life.
I think that I am finally going to get a chance to just 'live'.
This is what I wanted ... someone who knew me and wanted me. Someone who was aware of my potential and was going to help me maximize myself. A person who could understand that what they did for me, they would get back in many ways. And I already know that is what the SFC is all about.
I can remember wondering what she saw in the cat she hung with where we were stationed together... wondering why she and I didn't ever get that 'close' since we were already right next to one another. I mean, the one thing was I like full figured women, is most obvious!
But I also did think that I should not bother someone who I worked with. The one time that I did, messing with SD near the end of my run working, was a tension filled relationship. If anything, it proved the rule.
For real, I am getting a chance to be with my best friend and lover. I can't imagine a better circumstance for me to be in. The SFC fills my heart and with things being this close ... I am ecstatic! Finally, something super good has finally happened to me, like the stories I have seen and heard about happening to other people. Now I have to make sure that it has a great run and a happy ending!!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
A-B-C
ALWAYS ...
Since the middle of June, I Nebraska and I have been talking, exchanging emails and conversating via IM, like we should have been long ago. Not that we didn't, but that when we would, she would shut things down. It wasn't until after the SFC came into my life, that she really saw that she was taking me for granted.
The switch from my original concept to this 'fly on the seat of your pants', was sudden. But like the SFC says ... 'You know how we do.'
Throughout my life, I have had a difficult time explaining myself. With Nebraska, it was no different. As we have continued to deepen our relationship, I did not waver from my assertion that I was going to go east. I did not lead her to believe other wise
BE...
Was tonight our last conversation? Only the heavens would know. What I do know is that I kept my profile and did not shake. Hearing her say, " I guess once you have made up you mind, you aren't going to change it", let me know what I needed to know. As much as we did share, I didn't let weakness win out.
My heart is aching though. Hearing her explain herself, I did not know that she felt the way that she did, remembering how seven years ago how I offered to move to be with her. What I did not know was her complete situation. And it was that 'keeping it to herself' that was part of this happening. She couldn't let me know what was what on her end. Had I known what I know NOW, then, I would have done differently.
Listening to her emotionally charged voice... hearing her CRY ... dag! I thought I was past all that!! I crappy as I felt, I stayed myself. I told her how this has been an 8-year project of mine, and I had thought about how I was going to implement a new way of thinking in my life. I was tired of living a messed up life, and wanted to live instead the life I did want to live.
Still, I only find solace in that I did not try to fake her out. In other words, 'be' is BEING. I countinued to be me, and not weaken and become the pu**y that I have been before in my life.
CLOSING
Which meant I always remained heading in the new direction I was choosing. No, she couldn't do what I am doing. But she NEVER could have. I don't mean that in an angry fashion, but that is what makes me the person I am. I do stuff differently than she does. And I do stuff differently than she does. That what make HER the person she is.
I won't ever be able to forget her. I clung to her for years, without her knowing it.
And she was my line back to land. What happened is what happened between us. Can't say anything other than that.
As far as me doing what is best for me, I still will keep Omaha as a back up. I will continue to fund and save money for an emergency. No, I won't tell the SFC, and why should I? When it comes to her, 'I gave at the office'. Simple as that.
Besides, we should never have to come to that. I trust her like I always did when we were kids. That still hasn't changed, and I don't expect it to, either!
Since the middle of June, I Nebraska and I have been talking, exchanging emails and conversating via IM, like we should have been long ago. Not that we didn't, but that when we would, she would shut things down. It wasn't until after the SFC came into my life, that she really saw that she was taking me for granted.
The switch from my original concept to this 'fly on the seat of your pants', was sudden. But like the SFC says ... 'You know how we do.'
Throughout my life, I have had a difficult time explaining myself. With Nebraska, it was no different. As we have continued to deepen our relationship, I did not waver from my assertion that I was going to go east. I did not lead her to believe other wise
BE...
Was tonight our last conversation? Only the heavens would know. What I do know is that I kept my profile and did not shake. Hearing her say, " I guess once you have made up you mind, you aren't going to change it", let me know what I needed to know. As much as we did share, I didn't let weakness win out.
My heart is aching though. Hearing her explain herself, I did not know that she felt the way that she did, remembering how seven years ago how I offered to move to be with her. What I did not know was her complete situation. And it was that 'keeping it to herself' that was part of this happening. She couldn't let me know what was what on her end. Had I known what I know NOW, then, I would have done differently.
Listening to her emotionally charged voice... hearing her CRY ... dag! I thought I was past all that!! I crappy as I felt, I stayed myself. I told her how this has been an 8-year project of mine, and I had thought about how I was going to implement a new way of thinking in my life. I was tired of living a messed up life, and wanted to live instead the life I did want to live.
Still, I only find solace in that I did not try to fake her out. In other words, 'be' is BEING. I countinued to be me, and not weaken and become the pu**y that I have been before in my life.
CLOSING
Which meant I always remained heading in the new direction I was choosing. No, she couldn't do what I am doing. But she NEVER could have. I don't mean that in an angry fashion, but that is what makes me the person I am. I do stuff differently than she does. And I do stuff differently than she does. That what make HER the person she is.
I won't ever be able to forget her. I clung to her for years, without her knowing it.
And she was my line back to land. What happened is what happened between us. Can't say anything other than that.
As far as me doing what is best for me, I still will keep Omaha as a back up. I will continue to fund and save money for an emergency. No, I won't tell the SFC, and why should I? When it comes to her, 'I gave at the office'. Simple as that.
Besides, we should never have to come to that. I trust her like I always did when we were kids. That still hasn't changed, and I don't expect it to, either!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
WHEN THE MAINFRAME BREAKS AGAIN
THE FRITZ
Everything IS up in the air.
The chain reaction caused by this episode has spun dangerously close to being out of control. Everything that made going to Nebraska (the place) such an excellent adventure, has been revealed in the past few days.
I am so confident in my ability to take care of myself, that when I was preparing myself to leave Mookie, the first priority was to pick a place that I could feel 'safe' in. Pretty much anyplace with a population over 100 and two stop lights could be a dangerous place for me, but the point being Nebraska is much less a threatening place.
With Nebraska (the person) offering friendship, that would be acceptable. My relationship with Mookie had become loveless, sexless, and I was all but celibate. A 'friendship' with her would have been interesting. I would have had not a problem with her being full of me and letting me know that. I would have been free to let her know that too.
The thing I was looking forward to the most, is being free.
Maybe after I had been there a couple of years and tracking in a specific direction, maybe she would make a move towards a relationship. If not, that would be cool to.
While I have confidence in myself, I do worry about 'pacing'. In the Sportscenter Highlight of my life, I get in country, get a job bagging groceries and find my way to the local community college. Although I would miss Astoria cookies (as you can no doubt tell, I would REALLY miss that place ... best cookies ever!!), I would find another place to get my treats, read the paper and drink coffee.
I miss my own place.
Being on my own would mean that I could get a big calendar and put it up near the front door, one that you can see from across a room. I would look up from my love seat (because I would have a chair and would sit there ... company in the love seat) and be able to know what I was supposed to do.
Do you know that I have over 60 extra blood pressure pills? Do you want to know how I got them? Each one represents a day that I forgot to take my medicine. How could you forget to take your medicine? Well, for me the answer is simple. Things that complicate my day to day so much that it 'spills', then stuff gets shuffled off.
And I do know how important that it is that I take my medicine. I don't know if 'things' are genetically linked, but usually when one person has a stroke or heart trouble in a family, so will someone else. There are five that I know of, and three of them are me, my darling brother, and our Mother.
Having to think about how I need to be so that someone else can figure out what they need to do, to get what they want for us, which may or may not be what I would want for me, or us ...
... eh, as long as they are happy, I guess.
There have been times where I have thought that was a problem of mine. In a relationship, I would 'go there' for someone without the expectation that they would ever go there for me.
AKA took her own personal exceptions, tried to put 'business' out that I include on my own brochures and presentations, but most of it was fairly accurate. How is that for irony? That I am non plussed by what she said.
But it did get to the SFC. And again, this is the trouble I have with worrying about the people in MY past, and trying to start a relationship with them.
If they called it or I did, I don't believe in the big air clearing finish. I will ask the same question ... are you sure this is what you want?
SEE, I GAVE AT THE OFFICE
I wonder if they are sure, because when they are sure I consider myself 'relieved from duty'. There are 'things' that I have done for people that they didn't ask me to do for them, but I felt needed to be done.
What if I did like my thieving nephew, and IGNORED A FREAKIN' WARNING ALARM. Sure, it could have been a malfunction. But I know better than that, to ignore a 'life or death' signal'. So I did what I had to, and if it cost me a few dollars, rather that, because what a crap alternative.
One of the things about being unattached that holds so much allure for me, is that when I have been single, I have done well. Went to school, found decent work, boxed and traveled (ugly American indeed ... I had to have GONE SOMEWHERE to make that a true statement, dontcha know!!), being by myself.
Knowing the risks for me, I can pretty much take on what I am going to get into. But with someone? The dynamic changes ... and it has not always been to my benefit.
Getting back to how dating someone you once dated is a bad idea that no one had to tell me why, is that there are three version to every story. You have yours, they have theirs, and then there is the truth.
I never lost sight that there was 'a truth' to things. Which is why I had made the conscious decision to let go when it was time to let go. I have had some thoughts about people ... every platonic relationship since I met her has been based upon me and the SFC. She is a pretty girl, and I was able not to try to be a wolf with her. In fact, saying that it had never occurred to me is closer to the truth that anyone could possibly know.
Because if I had been intimate with her when we were kids, then it would have quite possibly changed my motivation for 'dying for her'. No, I never thought that I would get anything back, nor do I WANT anything for what I thought, for what made sense to me in my mind.
Had I waited for someone to tell me that it 'made sense', I very well could be dead. Being able to act, to 'get off first'. When you are able to 'act' instead of 'react', you can win the day. And if you don't win the day, you can change the course of things and be in position to take advantage of the result.
As a single entity, I could 'be first'. Go in the direction of my inspiration unencumbered by the weight and worry of others. This is an important factor to me, because I am not sure if I can trust anyone to be worried about me.
For the past two weeks, the twins, Army Sister and Best Sister along with Family Friend have been hanging together in Kansas. Army is going out of country for three years, Best Sister had mentioned enlisting, and I was going to Nebraska for the longest time.
Of course, things are up in the air for me. But on Face Book, though I would 'speak' to them and their various postings, no one responded to me. Then AKA flamed me, and still no acknowledgement. I am not sure how this works, but I would have thought that they said something ... that one of their friends thought enough to look in on me ...
Honestly, objectively, what happened did not mean anything to me. But it revealed to me what is best for me. When I get 'jumped', whether electronically or in the physical sense, the only person to have put their back to mine, is gone.
My darling brother, who couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag. But he wouldn't leave me to be savaged, whether I was right or wrong. I was his brother, and that would have been enough.
Sorry about the length and sorry about the whining. I would rather that someone from 'My Early Burglary Years' were trying to come back and get at me. But that isn't how it works. It is either you are doing it to your self, or someone who is close to you that will 'screw you in the drive thru'.
I am going to have to do some 'goat thinkin', and get back to tracking what it is I WANT from life, and figure out what life expects from me.
Everything IS up in the air.
The chain reaction caused by this episode has spun dangerously close to being out of control. Everything that made going to Nebraska (the place) such an excellent adventure, has been revealed in the past few days.
I am so confident in my ability to take care of myself, that when I was preparing myself to leave Mookie, the first priority was to pick a place that I could feel 'safe' in. Pretty much anyplace with a population over 100 and two stop lights could be a dangerous place for me, but the point being Nebraska is much less a threatening place.
With Nebraska (the person) offering friendship, that would be acceptable. My relationship with Mookie had become loveless, sexless, and I was all but celibate. A 'friendship' with her would have been interesting. I would have had not a problem with her being full of me and letting me know that. I would have been free to let her know that too.
The thing I was looking forward to the most, is being free.
Maybe after I had been there a couple of years and tracking in a specific direction, maybe she would make a move towards a relationship. If not, that would be cool to.
While I have confidence in myself, I do worry about 'pacing'. In the Sportscenter Highlight of my life, I get in country, get a job bagging groceries and find my way to the local community college. Although I would miss Astoria cookies (as you can no doubt tell, I would REALLY miss that place ... best cookies ever!!), I would find another place to get my treats, read the paper and drink coffee.
I miss my own place.
Being on my own would mean that I could get a big calendar and put it up near the front door, one that you can see from across a room. I would look up from my love seat (because I would have a chair and would sit there ... company in the love seat) and be able to know what I was supposed to do.
Do you know that I have over 60 extra blood pressure pills? Do you want to know how I got them? Each one represents a day that I forgot to take my medicine. How could you forget to take your medicine? Well, for me the answer is simple. Things that complicate my day to day so much that it 'spills', then stuff gets shuffled off.
And I do know how important that it is that I take my medicine. I don't know if 'things' are genetically linked, but usually when one person has a stroke or heart trouble in a family, so will someone else. There are five that I know of, and three of them are me, my darling brother, and our Mother.
Having to think about how I need to be so that someone else can figure out what they need to do, to get what they want for us, which may or may not be what I would want for me, or us ...
... eh, as long as they are happy, I guess.
There have been times where I have thought that was a problem of mine. In a relationship, I would 'go there' for someone without the expectation that they would ever go there for me.
AKA took her own personal exceptions, tried to put 'business' out that I include on my own brochures and presentations, but most of it was fairly accurate. How is that for irony? That I am non plussed by what she said.
But it did get to the SFC. And again, this is the trouble I have with worrying about the people in MY past, and trying to start a relationship with them.
If they called it or I did, I don't believe in the big air clearing finish. I will ask the same question ... are you sure this is what you want?
SEE, I GAVE AT THE OFFICE
I wonder if they are sure, because when they are sure I consider myself 'relieved from duty'. There are 'things' that I have done for people that they didn't ask me to do for them, but I felt needed to be done.
What if I did like my thieving nephew, and IGNORED A FREAKIN' WARNING ALARM. Sure, it could have been a malfunction. But I know better than that, to ignore a 'life or death' signal'. So I did what I had to, and if it cost me a few dollars, rather that, because what a crap alternative.
One of the things about being unattached that holds so much allure for me, is that when I have been single, I have done well. Went to school, found decent work, boxed and traveled (ugly American indeed ... I had to have GONE SOMEWHERE to make that a true statement, dontcha know!!), being by myself.
Knowing the risks for me, I can pretty much take on what I am going to get into. But with someone? The dynamic changes ... and it has not always been to my benefit.
Getting back to how dating someone you once dated is a bad idea that no one had to tell me why, is that there are three version to every story. You have yours, they have theirs, and then there is the truth.
I never lost sight that there was 'a truth' to things. Which is why I had made the conscious decision to let go when it was time to let go. I have had some thoughts about people ... every platonic relationship since I met her has been based upon me and the SFC. She is a pretty girl, and I was able not to try to be a wolf with her. In fact, saying that it had never occurred to me is closer to the truth that anyone could possibly know.
Because if I had been intimate with her when we were kids, then it would have quite possibly changed my motivation for 'dying for her'. No, I never thought that I would get anything back, nor do I WANT anything for what I thought, for what made sense to me in my mind.
Had I waited for someone to tell me that it 'made sense', I very well could be dead. Being able to act, to 'get off first'. When you are able to 'act' instead of 'react', you can win the day. And if you don't win the day, you can change the course of things and be in position to take advantage of the result.
As a single entity, I could 'be first'. Go in the direction of my inspiration unencumbered by the weight and worry of others. This is an important factor to me, because I am not sure if I can trust anyone to be worried about me.
For the past two weeks, the twins, Army Sister and Best Sister along with Family Friend have been hanging together in Kansas. Army is going out of country for three years, Best Sister had mentioned enlisting, and I was going to Nebraska for the longest time.
Of course, things are up in the air for me. But on Face Book, though I would 'speak' to them and their various postings, no one responded to me. Then AKA flamed me, and still no acknowledgement. I am not sure how this works, but I would have thought that they said something ... that one of their friends thought enough to look in on me ...
Honestly, objectively, what happened did not mean anything to me. But it revealed to me what is best for me. When I get 'jumped', whether electronically or in the physical sense, the only person to have put their back to mine, is gone.
My darling brother, who couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag. But he wouldn't leave me to be savaged, whether I was right or wrong. I was his brother, and that would have been enough.
Sorry about the length and sorry about the whining. I would rather that someone from 'My Early Burglary Years' were trying to come back and get at me. But that isn't how it works. It is either you are doing it to your self, or someone who is close to you that will 'screw you in the drive thru'.
I am going to have to do some 'goat thinkin', and get back to tracking what it is I WANT from life, and figure out what life expects from me.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
WILL I WONDER?
OF COURSE, NOW SHE TELLS ME!
I don't know what Nebraska thought when all this started, that she was dealing with someone who was full of crap and popping spit out of his butt, but it is now that she clearly shows her true feelings for me.
She not only has taken the right approach (if it is an approach) on how to deal with me, but it is also too late. The only thing that could happen now, is if the SFC were to say or do something that would scuttle things.
That isn't going to happen. So again Stupendous Man ... the hero business is up to you!
Meaning that the only way to screw this up, is for me to screw this up! Kelly is going to support me as far as going to school is concerned. My degree may well be well traveled like Sarah Palin's, but she will ride me to the walk. I would like to think that I will be in front of a classroom by the mid-teens, somewhere in New Jersey, prolly. Ugh, the weather. I would like somewhere without the snow, but it isn't like I was going to a sunbelt state anyway!
I figure with a teacher's salary and hers combined, we'd make enough for us to get by. I am also meditating on the idea that I will be working for most of the rest of my life ... I will accept that these few years have been my 'break'.
'Break'. Right. TBI is a 'break'. Every now and then, I worry about how this is going to follow me like my shadow. I don't know what is really in store for me, but I absolutely know that I can trust the SFC. That she wants me, is so significant. It wasn't as though she has yearned for me, more that it came to her as we spoke.
I am going to really have to get my stuff in gear. Go and purchase a few more CD cases, and start working with that stuff. Seperate the clothes and set them out. August is going to fly by. October would be a little better for me, personally. We will see.
I don't know what Nebraska thought when all this started, that she was dealing with someone who was full of crap and popping spit out of his butt, but it is now that she clearly shows her true feelings for me.
She not only has taken the right approach (if it is an approach) on how to deal with me, but it is also too late. The only thing that could happen now, is if the SFC were to say or do something that would scuttle things.
That isn't going to happen. So again Stupendous Man ... the hero business is up to you!
Meaning that the only way to screw this up, is for me to screw this up! Kelly is going to support me as far as going to school is concerned. My degree may well be well traveled like Sarah Palin's, but she will ride me to the walk. I would like to think that I will be in front of a classroom by the mid-teens, somewhere in New Jersey, prolly. Ugh, the weather. I would like somewhere without the snow, but it isn't like I was going to a sunbelt state anyway!
I figure with a teacher's salary and hers combined, we'd make enough for us to get by. I am also meditating on the idea that I will be working for most of the rest of my life ... I will accept that these few years have been my 'break'.
'Break'. Right. TBI is a 'break'. Every now and then, I worry about how this is going to follow me like my shadow. I don't know what is really in store for me, but I absolutely know that I can trust the SFC. That she wants me, is so significant. It wasn't as though she has yearned for me, more that it came to her as we spoke.
I am going to really have to get my stuff in gear. Go and purchase a few more CD cases, and start working with that stuff. Seperate the clothes and set them out. August is going to fly by. October would be a little better for me, personally. We will see.
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