RESTLESS

NOW IT IS ALL ON ME

I am mentally worn down from being uncomfortable here at my Dad's, beyond the feeling of awkwardness that should come from being 42 years old and living with your parent, still. You will never get me to change from that being a sign of a life that is out of balance and perhaps poorly lived. Sure there are some things that are cruel plays of fate, but living here among my steps, I will be glad to leave them to this fate. Would much rather be broke and living in a room with but a single light on the ceiling than scuffling around, existing on the crumbs of my Father's work. Now, as far as THAT goes, that would be a subject unto itself for study.

Haven't really been on the same wavelength as Nebraska recently. My 'slip' is showing... I am anxious to have my own place again and to feel the motion of moving towards something that is ahead in the distance. This is a holding area that is more of a drain on me and my resources. Having to get my teeth repaired was something I could never have saw coming. That means I may have to go to Omaha 'short' of the money I wanted to have in my pocket and without having any idea of what it will cost me to get things together, is an additional worry.

One of the reasons that I am going to go ahead with July, is the time has to have come. This is the time I originally anticipated being 'home'... the few weeks that has bled into July is acceptable to me. If I were to delay things much further, I don't know if I would hold.

Also, my lack of focus and concentration may be leading Nebraska to think that I am worse off than I may actually be. I don't think that I am as bad off as all that, but I wonder if she thinks that I am worse than she may have realized? To be sure, I am having more of a problem with my desire to make a home and find my way around, have somewhere to go and maybe to have someone to go there with me.

Something I had better start getting through my head is that Nebraska is in love with me. How much, remains to be seen. I have to accept that she has decided to accept the intentions that I have claimed for us and be willing to be the things that I have led her to believe. I want the romance between us to blossom and grow. I need to find my reserve and get back into character.