At the end of things the SFC would make the occasional slip regarding 'us'. It was as if she saw a glimpse of a future where we are together. What I know is that I never took the bait. I wanted to leave because fail or no, I wanted to go out and be to myself. I have to live with the frustration of being outstripped by my baby sisters... no shame in that but they have achieved a measure of peace and stability in their lives that should have been a matter of course in mind. That their path to where they are now is so similar to the routes that I set myself upon makes my fall more aggravating.
One of the things that I expect to happen when I am in Nebraska is the resentment to ebb and the envy to subside. I will be where I want to be and with the person that I want to be with, finally.
As I made the transition to Detroit, I took the risky step of sending my belongings ahead of me. This was not unlike a 'commitment cut' that a cosmetologist makes when styling a clients hair. Might as well go thru with it now, because it is a little late to have second thougthts. At the very least I will have to go west and get as much as I can... and that would cause for another great expenditure of capital, money that I don't have.
What gets at me is the money that the SFC spent to bring and keep me in Va., then the money she came up with to send me home. The bags cost more than the actual flight... and adds to my guilt. Which I did not need to grow.
Like I said at the end, I thought she would want to hold me back. I put a comment out there to gauge her reaction... and I could hear the feeling in her voice when she replied. I made sure to avoid that 'what if' conversation with her the last two weeks of my stay.
Not that we didn't ask ourselves and each other about out relationship. We kept coming back, or should I say she kept coming back, to my uncomfortable state in Virginia. I know I was a lump. Could I have tried harder?? Maybe. But I do think the traits that made us great friends hindered us as lovers. I had warned her that I expect to have the kind of relationship with her that we had in Korea. I don't think she understood what I meant by that.
She has a certain 'je ne sais quois' that if I had it, I let it go quite some time ago. But I never worried about it and took pleasure in my ability to plug away and to get through to what I call 'the other side' of things. Figuring that repetitive achievement would eventually become part of my 'quois' (or Quan... we will go with that from her on out).
But it never did. The irony of her oldest boy being able to walk away from an incident that was close to our incident without disaster befalling him was a bit too much irony for me to take. What I wanted more than anything is to have been able to go back in time and stop that foolish young boy that I was twenty odd years ago and tell him not to make that call. And if he still made the call, to not let the little gremlin to accompany him... and since I can't there isn't any other 'what if' to ponder. I know that I didn't.
That is that.
I would always wonder and yearn for the life that I could have had on my own out in Nebraska. That Nebraska is looking forward to my company is the icing on the cake. Though I think that is yet another favourable sign, the most telling thing in my favour is my determination to hold on to my dream.
Though I don't think that I have done anything to require the asking of forgiveness, it still won't hurt. I will get down and ask for benefice, forgiveness and blessings as I move ahead with my life.
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