BECAUSE I WANT IT SAID ALOUD

SIX MONTH CHECK-UP

Made some progress. Took some steps back. Balance sheet reads in the black, so I guess you know, I will take it.

Sort of want to get up and try to find a laptop, but doing something as reckless as that is out of the question. I said I will wait until sometime in the new year, and finding what suits me at a good price is going to be better than just running out and picking one up.

I still would like to move to Nebraska. At this precise moment though, there are issues coming up with that plan. One of the things that I am going to have to do, is be reliant on Nebraska (the person) being willing to help me catch on out there. At the present moment, she is going thru (is that a word? Spell check always wants to correct it!) some changes. She snapped off at me last week, and I don't think it was warranted. The vindictive anger of sister girls is one of the more problematic characteristics that I run into. Being mean for no other reason than to be mean ... how do they do it?

Anywho, she sort of 'went off', a vent that was meant to make me back off. That is something that I didn't feel was warranted, and it changes some aspects of my plan. Since she has already said that we don't have a future, I wonder if I wouldn't be better served finding my own way, here in Michigan. I can live in Lansing alone, and I think I would be able to take care of myself quite nicely, thank you. I could take the bus back and forth between there and where ever I wanted to go in Michigan. Nor would I have to worry about 'doing something stupid', by having to hear a dissenting opinon. If I wanted to ride out meet and greet some of the folks I have met online, I could.

The facts as I see them is that she won't let herself love me, not now or ever. I don't expect her to from on line, but she really doesn't give me much to go on, regardless. That is what is rubbing me the wrong way, and I won't get a chance to confirm it until I go out and see her on her territory. If she is still 'being black', then there could be a change in plans. Simply put, I don't think you are as hard to someone you are trying to be a good friend to. She has since apologized, but I don't know what I am going to make of it.

And I am full with being 'uncertain'.

Anniversary

Anniversary


This seems like one. Nebraska would drop me off to my Best Sister on a day that while not as chilly as today, was just as November overcast.

One of the 'Darkhorses' is my finding my way on my own. I am very sure that I can manage life on my own. I think I have access to enough resources to get the help that I will need to make a life for myself.

Part of the reason that this particular 'Darkhorse' runs so strong, is partly due to my relationship with Nebraska. Since she has made it clear that she doesn't see a future with me, going out there I am going to have to make it on my own. If that is the case, maybe instead of dancing with the 'devil I don't know', I could stay in Detroit and dance with the devil I do.

But I still don't like it here. Other than the Astoria Bakery, what? Can you give me a reason to stay here?

The possibility of something being out there for me, is sooo strong. So very strong. It will be neat to see her again, and make her say all those things to my face, about us not having a future together. Can't say that it will be the 'bell weather' as far as my decision making goes, but it does have its own impact.

Tee Jay ... what can I say about her? Not much, really. I could pursue her, but I don't want to, and that is for real. That isn't how the script is supposed to read, I am the one who should be falling over himself, trying to win her favor. And it isn't that I don't want to, but I haven't been able to manage that. I do think if I can hold myself until January, not stress myself until then, I will be better served.

Every time I run the 'devil you do' program, I want to pull up off the accelerator. I love everything about her, and that includes some of her 'less than cool' traits. That she would be willing to again put up with mine, and put up with 'the new me', still is going to be the question. How this 'new me' that I am still finding out about is going to deal with her ... don't know what is going to happen.

GETTING BACK ON MESSAGE

I want to go to Nebraska, in the same way that you want to do something when you are young, and hadn't thought of the consequences, you only see how cool it would be to do it. In fact, it is NOW, that some of what initially worried Nebraska about me, and my willingness to take a chance on someone I essentially don't know, begins to actually matter.

Some of it is 'same old, same old' kind of black folk stuff. Things that the 'kool aid drinkers' don't understand, so they want to believe you are a self-loathing oreo and a 'wannabe white', kind of colored. The irony is that she is of mixed heritage, and instead of us being of a similar background, she is a 'red flavor' girl.

Which means that even if she wanted to, she can't really give me a chance.

I understand her wanting financial security, and my not being able to provide much help in that area. I don't want to be a burden to anyone, and want to be appreciated for what I can bring to the table, to a potential partnership. She has HER girls, and want to get more help in providing for them. I can definitely dig that.

See, this is where the rubber starts to meet the road. I don't just think that there is something still in me, I KNOW IT. Maybe she can help me write a book, or keep me tracking in school and help me get a degree, and subsequently a job. What ever it took, we could do it.

PRONOUN TROUBLE

I do think some of it, is that women see the world differently than men, in general. They make decisions based on a more empirical process than men do. Men tend to let things distract them from what is critically important to them. When she speaks about what she needs to do for her girls', I can commiserate with her. Is she willing to give up everything for herself? Her beau, Rocket Man, apparently cares deeply for her, and can provide the financial security she worries about. But the love and romance? The sense of 'building something' and being committed to someone?

So she never mentions 'we'. She says a lot of 'I this' and 'you that'. I can understand it, but it doesn't mean I have to accept it as valid for ME. Does impact my going out there, and the reason is ... I can't see where someone who isn't in love with me, would be willing to work with me, without there being something for them to gain out of their efforts as well.

And see, that's me. I can still feel what the others in my 'lead pack' have for me. I have to more or less play my part and do my job. Because I already have the emotional content, I have to make sure that I can do what I am supposed to. What I would ask, would require of a person ... I don't see where their 'being in love' wouldn't be a part of a relationship with me.

"What's that? Oh, alright Russ. I am going to stop thinking about it. Gonna set the ground beef out to make some spaghetti for dinner. Easy and not much mess. And get myself back into character.

Now that THAT'S over!

HE'S ELECTED



President Obama represents hope for me. Faith. I wanted to be on the right side of history, and I believe that I am.



Sen. McCain is a shadow of the person he was, when I first noticed him for real in his bid for the Republican nomination in '00. The dirty tricks corrupted him, and he let 'them' get to him. Fortunately, fate was not on his side. Neither him or Palin, were the people for the country or the times. I hope that Palin is revealed to be a flash in the pan. She drips of hypocrisy and is a social danger to American society.



If you ever wondered how 'The Dark Ages' came to pass, it was when people as flawed as Palin were elevated to leadership positions.



Good President or not, for me, hope won. Now, what is it that I am hoping for?

NEBRASKA OR TEE JAY?

How lonely am I? When Tee Jay and I speak, she says what I need to hear from someone. Just like I say the things she needs someone to say, unbidden and volunteered, with no strings attached. Like we did when we first met.

There has to be a process to this, and I am still working things out. I don't expect to go forward with anything until I know what it is I am doing, and I know where it is I am heading. I don't think I have to have an 'exact destination', as I think I am one of those 'people'.

That is why when Russ reminded me that 'I think too much', I kept it in steady rotation. It was something that I have known for some time and that I can get lost in my thoughts. Since I keep walking up and down the steps trying to remember what it is I went to one place looking for, 'thinking' isn't something I can afford to get lost in.

The election is the bell weather for that. It is telling me to hope for what I want, and never stop believing that 'I can happen'. Do I need to know how, or do I need to get going on being somewhere other than where I am? This is one of the few 'can't lose' choices I am going to have in my life. The committment is what is going to matter.

GOING BACK TO 'THINKING'

I don't know what Nebraska needs to 'see' to be different regarding me. I don't brag about my relationships, because a real cat doesn't need to, but this isn't what I am accustomed to. Maybe it is the difference, or it could be that what she sees in 'us' isn't something she wants to get used to or is looking for.

She makes me think too much. I know the difference between my wanting her, and her wanting me. Don't get me wrong, because I am looking forward to establishing myself in a new place and 'going exploring' with Calvin and Hobbes. But I could do that here. Or in North Carolina. Maybe Georgia with Sandie. I also have a fondness for Columbus, and that would be a totally new place, where when the rubber meets the road, it is all on ME.

If I can just 'date' Tee Jay and let things evolve, who knows? I want to take things out west first, to see for myself 'what's what'. After that, I will make my move.

IT'S THE LONLINESS, STUPID

That is what I am fighting right now. The Librarian left me hanging. Maybe I will take another shot at her. I can keep my distance and still have a friend. Pretty confident with how this celibacy thing is working out, so I can deal with that.

SD sent me pictures of her trip to China. She looked like she had a ball, as it was a working vacay. She is ... too much thought. I don't like the slot she has for me in her life. Maybe that is how it is going to be for me, no matter what. New 'what's happenin', old flames, I got to get a handle on the environment.

But I told myself that I won't worry about this until after the first of the year, and I meant it. So make it happen, Mark!

SPECIAL ELECTION ISSUE!

ANOTHER BIG DAY ..!





But first, my view on the presidential election.





First, I want Barack Obama to win. Still, I wonder why it is HIS TIME and not Hilary Clinton.





Why is this a concern? Because being caught up in the wave that Obama's candidacy has become, I am wondering exactly where did his money come from? Are we supposed to believe that he got hundreds of millions in small $5 and $10 dollar donations? C'mon on, man!!





I mentioned that I am hoping whoever wins, it is a transcendent, heroic quality person. By default, it is Obama. McCain chafed already at the legacy he faced, being a crap sailor while at Annapolis (what, graduated in the 860's out of a class of 880's?) and he had his sketchy times as a senator (can you say 'Keating 5?'). His rise to the Republican spot, makes me wonder if he has sold his soul, and it is obvious that Gov. Stil-- er, Palin has obviously been a quick study of Dick Cheney, and has her eyes on making policy from the veeps spot.

She is evil. Like Greg Stilson, the loser who nearly ascended to the Presidency in Stephen King's book, 'The Dead Zone'. It will be bringing down a curtain of darkness, should she ever hold high elected office again. After watching and watching the documentary, 'Why We Fight', she is just the person NOT to be in charge of the military, with her fundamental religious zeal, she will destroy the world, expecting to go into heaven.

With her sin filled family. Right. I will take TWO of those.

Gonna write Mary Jo at some point, to explain why I am the way that I am when she gets frustrated being out with her Ma, sometimes. I can understand that it is difficult at times, because that is part of the reasons (because there are more than one), AKA is looking like someone I am going to put on the outside of my life. I get tired of dealing with her at times, and she doesn't seem to grasp what I am dealing with, especially with her crap. Since I don't have to, I won't.

Mary Jo is fortunate. She has her Ma, and I don't. The things she brought up, about some of the frustrations that may make her Mom the way she is, I never got a chance to discuss those kinds of things with my Mom. I have felt that if my Mom was a guy, she would have been a lot like me, stuck with beautiful children out of wedlock, with enormous potential frittering away, and twisting and fighting the hook that life has set in her.

It isn't like I don't get what she is saying, more like I am bringing a different perspective for her to consider. I know that what I feel isn't what she feels, with her situation. But when I look to my 'future', I can also see where there ISN'T going to be a daughter to look after me ... certainly not Skye, and KT or Lexxie, I don't think it would be fair to ask them to care for a mentally slipping absentee Dad.

The point was driven home today, getting lost going from downtown, up Michigan as I tried to get to Fairlane Green. I got lost and turned around so many times, rigding through Allen Park and Melvindale, as well as the Ford area of Dearborn. I had tears of anxiety coming out of my eyes, the stress pressing down on me was so great. But I wouldn't give in to the panic. I eventually found my way, and did what I set out to do. Riding down the M-39 service drive, past the bleakness where the Herman-Gardens once stood Joy Road looking like the urban nightmare that folks in fly-over country imagine when they think of the big city, I kept on going.

And though I set out at one o'clock, and didn't get in until nine twenty pm, I made it, fighting through it all, the doubts and dare I say it, the fear, to do what I set out to do. Going to Nebraska, I would have to be able to handle my own. If I stay HERE I have to handle my own. Going ANYWHERE I will need to be self-sufficient.

Diva is as Diva does

Perahps I should have used Hines Ward for my last post, a professional, professional. He plays hard, and plays to win. He broke that cat for the Bengals' jaw, but it wasn't a dirty play. He did his job selflessly. Anywho, I had thought that Terrell Owens was finally mature enough to do his job, but it is looking like he is, but not so much.

Spoke to AKA last night, and though I miss her, the 'you ain't no daisy' concept was thick in my mind. I miss her company and all, BUT she was wrong in my eyes, all other things nonwithstanding. I explained to her how I am trying to find my new normal, and dealing with her indecisiveness is something I had chosen to do, because I like her.

Her attitude regarding my talking to myself, and how it affects her, was selfish as well as thoughtless. So while I may miss her, I wasn't going to be coming back crawling on my knees. "Look", I said, "I have cheated on a spouse and went back to her, so I know what it takes to apologize. With you, as much as I miss you, you were WRONG. I WILL NOT be apologizing to you.

She then asked if saying sorry would make things better. Told her at this point, there is a chance. I told her, given what she thinks of herself, I would have to wonder about the sincerity.

Put a deadline on it. Since she hasn't told her parents (something that I thought was obvious, with her Da calling on me and all) that we aren't talking, to me, it meant that there was SOMETHING going on with her too. But I came back to my point about having had to 'apologize' before, and knowing that if you have stepped on someone's toes, no matter what it would take to make things right, you would find a way to make things right.

When you get back in, that is when you work on the little things.

But where I am at with her right now, is to let her fade away. Right now, I would take her back into my life, yeah sure. By Wednesday, uh, maybe not so much. Explained that as a fighter, you can say whatever you want, talk about how bad you are and what you are going to do, but when the bell rings, the bell has rung. All that crap you said about yourself, what you are going to do doesn't mean a thing.

AKA has talked enough smack, and I told her that I didn't see her as that kind of person, because she had never been that way with me. Had she, we'd had this conversation THEN, and wouldn't be talking at ALL by now.

Nebraska has some of that in her as well. Don't know what is actually going on with her, but I will send her a 'is everything alright' note. I get the feeling that once again, "the hero business comes down to me," with her too.

Perhaps I need to make a decision about my '09 sooner than later. I had hoped that I could at least get to February before I made any major adjustments to my goal, but maybe that isn't what is going to happen. We will see, because my position is still good.

Random Thoughts

Tee Jay sends out signals that she would look favorably if I was to try to win her back and starting a new relationship.  I also think Nebraska would really enjoy my company and like having me near her.

The both of them kind of shape up as a Terrell Owens/Randy Moss pair in my mind, both similar in that they have reputations as prima donna's but in my view, are actually very different, despite what is seen by the naked eyes as commonalities.

Both Tee Jay and Nebraska are very beautiful women to me, and both very capable of being fantastic partners to anyone, much less me.  They both come with pro's and cons, which I will have to weigh as I continue to work on restructuring my life.  As I used sports in my thinking as a metaphor, I am going to use the NFL for this particular discussion.

In comparing apples and oranges, people overlook that they are both fruits and therefore is good and beneficial.  It is only a matter of preference that their differences are pronounced.  Same thing when comparing 'football players' and determining the direction of your 'team'.  Do you draft a whiz kid from college and spend a lot of money on someone who seems to be a talent, albeit on a certain level with no guarantee they would be productive, much less the talent that they were in college, or do you go the 'free agent' route and pick up someone who has proven on this level that they can compete among the best, making Pro Bowls, but may have started a slide into decline ... not steep, and barely there, but you have to wonder how much is left before you make a big commitment to them.

Terrell Owens was able to develop under Jerry Rice in San Fransico.  He supplanted Jerry and became the main threat for the 49'ers passing game.  On the surface, he gave the apperance of a spoiled, selfish player, even throwing a teammate, quarterback Jeff Garcia 'under the bus' when things weren't going well.  Caused a lot of controversy.

Randy Moss is not without his share of baggage.  In college, he was supposed to go toa big school, but couldn't because of some legal issues.  Bounced around, played spectacularly at a smaller school, then was drafted, not where his talent warranted, high in the draft board, but in the middle to low part of the 1st round ... mind you, this still meant he would get millions of dollars, just not as many million as he had hoped.  When he played for the Minnesota Vikings, his talent was obvious and the team won games.  But he had periods of moodiness, and would not listen to consul of the veterans around him.  He left Minnesota, went to Oakland where things were worse, and he didn't like it.

He is in New England now, a winning team, but whose star quarterback was lost for the season.  What is Randy going to do?  Superficially, people lump them both in the same boat, yet there is a difference between them ...

Nebraska looks like she was sent from central casting in my mind.  I wouldn't be able to tear my eyes from her in a room full of super models and Playboy beauties.  She has all the things that I am looking for in a woman, so I would not want anyone else.  Of course I could say the same about Tee Jay and it be equally true.  Were they to be in my life, in the same town, that would cause a nullification on a cosmic level, which is REALLY why I think I am diggin' on Sage Steele.  Digression, coming back to Nebraska.

To me, she is like the young stud coming out of college, a career of accolades and steady development into the All-America, high draft pick person that she is.  Younger and with more potential (maybe), there isn't any doubt that she should get that big rookie contract ...

... but should I be the one to offer it to her?

The big thing that started to turn my opinion of Terrell Owens was his time with Philadelphia.  Again, he stirred up the pot with his quarterback, but where there was some whispers in San Francisco, they became louder in Philly.  He was really a good teammate, practiced hard, and was helpful to improving how social relations and the dynamics of the team were.  He played for himself, but he also played for the team, which is what he showed when the Eagles were in the Super Bowl and he came back from a broken leg far sooner than expected.  Not only did he come back, but he was the best player for Philly that day.  At risk to his entire career, he laid it on the line for the one sure chance at a Super Bowl ring.

Randy Moss went to New England for the chance to get to a Super Bowl, as they are the best team in the NFL.  He played hard and well, despite his reputation (some would say penchant) for going lax on plays not designed to go his way, and not to play hard all the time he was on the field.  What will he do now that it isn't going to be as simple as having the best quarterback throw him the ball, and that he is going to have to work with someone who may not be as skilled at the position?  There is malingering in his reputation.

Because Tee Jay and I have actually been a couple, and I have a better idea of how things would be, I had to make her the 'experienced' free agent, who is more of a known quantity.  As much as I love her, she still has some 'items' attached to her as well.

Nebraska, I am sure, underestimates how much I 'know' about her.  I have literally dated hundreds of women, and this has been an interest of mine as long as she has even been alive.  I can gauge her, how she will act or 'play' if you will.  My instincts are very good ... I don't have the totals that I have for nothing.

Another reason, I am not going to rush into things.  I do think she would be more open to a relationship if I were in town.  What she doesn't know is that she has come close to saying 'magic words', things that would cause me to scuttle the whole thing and start anew.  I am going to wait until I go to Omaha to find out what's what about her, before I make any more evaluations about her.

Time for a reorginization

GETTING BACK INTO FORM

This month, I have 'let up' on the mental focus and not been as intense as I had been for the previous 9 months or so of this manouver.  Getting the child support straightened out finally took a lot of pressure off me, especially with my not being able to keep the job at the hotel ... which is partially annoying, not being 'terminated' but never being put on the schedule.  I don't get it, but I call each week to 'check in' and I am going to go down and mention something to the HR, to keep me in mind.

One of the things about being here with my Dad, is that I get to 'practice' how I am going to be.  I get to be a little 'detatched' and what is 'involved' for other people, is going thru the motions for me.  This month, swallowing some of the guilt that I feel about leaving people out there without any one to guide them, has become easier.

As it is, I still don't understand all of what is going on, nor do I know what my Dad has going on.  I am going to have to really be hard on myself fiscally, in order to save up money to move.  Haven't decided on the amount, but I will be better set in January to make a budget.

One of the things I am going to address is getting a late winter/early spring visit to Nebraska, to confirm how I feel about the place and about her feelings for me.  I would feel more comfortable if my sister was going to still be posted in Kansas, but the big test that I am going thru here, to be independent as I can, find a new normal, should take care of those butterflies.

Honestly, I think Nebraska does want to like me, but understandbly is worried about the fianacial part of a relationship.  That is cool, but the big, big thing for me, is that someone WANTS me to be their partner not make me do the regular 'extra earning' of her affections.  For someone to travel all that way just for the hope of being with her, even in the face of the knowing what I know about her wants, had better earn me 'points' to where I can just be me, and not walking on the egg shells that are always present in the early part of a relationship.

I already have enough real issues to deal with.  From getting accustomed to a whole new world and society, making sure I have my medical arrangements made, I don't think that I will be up for the hoop jumping that comes with winnings someone over.

He crossed the bridge.  That should be enough.  Besides, she does have friends ..!