Anniversary

Anniversary


This seems like one. Nebraska would drop me off to my Best Sister on a day that while not as chilly as today, was just as November overcast.

One of the 'Darkhorses' is my finding my way on my own. I am very sure that I can manage life on my own. I think I have access to enough resources to get the help that I will need to make a life for myself.

Part of the reason that this particular 'Darkhorse' runs so strong, is partly due to my relationship with Nebraska. Since she has made it clear that she doesn't see a future with me, going out there I am going to have to make it on my own. If that is the case, maybe instead of dancing with the 'devil I don't know', I could stay in Detroit and dance with the devil I do.

But I still don't like it here. Other than the Astoria Bakery, what? Can you give me a reason to stay here?

The possibility of something being out there for me, is sooo strong. So very strong. It will be neat to see her again, and make her say all those things to my face, about us not having a future together. Can't say that it will be the 'bell weather' as far as my decision making goes, but it does have its own impact.

Tee Jay ... what can I say about her? Not much, really. I could pursue her, but I don't want to, and that is for real. That isn't how the script is supposed to read, I am the one who should be falling over himself, trying to win her favor. And it isn't that I don't want to, but I haven't been able to manage that. I do think if I can hold myself until January, not stress myself until then, I will be better served.

Every time I run the 'devil you do' program, I want to pull up off the accelerator. I love everything about her, and that includes some of her 'less than cool' traits. That she would be willing to again put up with mine, and put up with 'the new me', still is going to be the question. How this 'new me' that I am still finding out about is going to deal with her ... don't know what is going to happen.

GETTING BACK ON MESSAGE

I want to go to Nebraska, in the same way that you want to do something when you are young, and hadn't thought of the consequences, you only see how cool it would be to do it. In fact, it is NOW, that some of what initially worried Nebraska about me, and my willingness to take a chance on someone I essentially don't know, begins to actually matter.

Some of it is 'same old, same old' kind of black folk stuff. Things that the 'kool aid drinkers' don't understand, so they want to believe you are a self-loathing oreo and a 'wannabe white', kind of colored. The irony is that she is of mixed heritage, and instead of us being of a similar background, she is a 'red flavor' girl.

Which means that even if she wanted to, she can't really give me a chance.

I understand her wanting financial security, and my not being able to provide much help in that area. I don't want to be a burden to anyone, and want to be appreciated for what I can bring to the table, to a potential partnership. She has HER girls, and want to get more help in providing for them. I can definitely dig that.

See, this is where the rubber starts to meet the road. I don't just think that there is something still in me, I KNOW IT. Maybe she can help me write a book, or keep me tracking in school and help me get a degree, and subsequently a job. What ever it took, we could do it.

PRONOUN TROUBLE

I do think some of it, is that women see the world differently than men, in general. They make decisions based on a more empirical process than men do. Men tend to let things distract them from what is critically important to them. When she speaks about what she needs to do for her girls', I can commiserate with her. Is she willing to give up everything for herself? Her beau, Rocket Man, apparently cares deeply for her, and can provide the financial security she worries about. But the love and romance? The sense of 'building something' and being committed to someone?

So she never mentions 'we'. She says a lot of 'I this' and 'you that'. I can understand it, but it doesn't mean I have to accept it as valid for ME. Does impact my going out there, and the reason is ... I can't see where someone who isn't in love with me, would be willing to work with me, without there being something for them to gain out of their efforts as well.

And see, that's me. I can still feel what the others in my 'lead pack' have for me. I have to more or less play my part and do my job. Because I already have the emotional content, I have to make sure that I can do what I am supposed to. What I would ask, would require of a person ... I don't see where their 'being in love' wouldn't be a part of a relationship with me.

"What's that? Oh, alright Russ. I am going to stop thinking about it. Gonna set the ground beef out to make some spaghetti for dinner. Easy and not much mess. And get myself back into character.