COMPARISON FEEL ... SORTA

THING 1 AND THING 2

My twins, my Army Sister and my Best Sister rolled thru town. It was just a brief stop, for my Army Sister to deal with some details before she ships out with her family for 3 years in the R.O.K. .

As soon as someone emails me some pictures, I will post 'em up! It felt good speaking with them, especially listening to how much they've grown. Both of them looked good, and man, talk about good energy.

TALK OF THE NATION(16Apr09)

Riding around with AKA the other day, and she obliged me by tuning in to WUOM (ok, one more again ... I know that she is IN love with me ...) and the topic was how the situation has changed, as more and more adult children rely on Mom and Dad to help them out.

We caught the segment in the middle, and the guest on was a lady who was a 'tough love' kind of person. She talked about how the economy is making it more difficult for parents to help out adult children.

I felt a little squirmy listening, because some of it had to land near the fence, if not home. Not for me, as the lady explained the difference between self-sustaining children who are in distress, or those who are back in the home for medical reasons. I could claim both of those, and it wouldn't be a 'fake out'. That is why we were riding, because I had to a medical appointment.

Sorta wished she could have been a fly on the ground when me and the twins were talking ... I don't know how 'feasible' anything is, only that it will be more feasible than doing nothing. I have never tried to get too deep with AKA, because I never liked how she dealt with the contradictions in the beginning of our relationship.

Not like I don't know how some of my dealings play in Poughkeepsie, and initially, how they would play with her. Yet and still, she hung around me ... always straddling the lines.

Then, when I started to get to know her better, I was ...

Unlike some women, it has never been a problem for men to let Eliza Doolittle, be old Eliza Doolittle. Only 'Sugar Daddies' who can do something such as rehabilitate a woman like that ON A BET, even try.

Besides ... we have already had that conversation. And that is that with that.

IT'S SPRING

And I am renewed. I think I am fit and fine for action, healed from whatever I needed to be healed from with Mookie (though I would say that began when I spent time in Chi-town with 'braska). Money troubles are spring up, and that is troubling. I don't know how I am going to make up for the loss of cash.

I plan on springing my plans on my Dad in August ... and hopefully an October trip to Nebraska to deal with my paperwork. If I can fit in a trip to see KT, then I can really push aside all other ideas and notions, and get ready to move!!

What a shaky start!

FIRST...

I lost my house keys ... but I had to have had them when I left the house. See, before I leave the house, I physically look for my keys. So I knew without a doubt that I had them when I started out.


Then when I got to the store, I had to lock my bike. The bike lock key is on the same group of keys as the house keys. So I unlock my bike, and start for home DIRECTLY, DO NOT PASS GO. When I get to the door ... I could not find my keys. I turned my bag inside out looking for them.


So I spent most of the day looking in vain for them, riding up and down Plymouth. Kept hoping that whoever saw them, left them lying there after they saw that the small purse they were attached to, had no money, only my bus card.


SECOND


AKA and I ran up against it. Her parents went to Vegas for a week at the start of the month. She was feeling a blue and I knew it. So I made the journey on my bicycle to her house.


We got to talking about 'stuff', and something in me had me tell her 'what I saw' in her. I think that I was bothered by my keys and stuff, otherwise, I would have nodded and given her the 'there, there' pat on the back that she was obviously looking for.


I didn't. I told her about how I saw her, that she doesn't want to take charge of her life. "We are very similiar, you and I. We both had youths that flashed potential, and we both have fallen far short the promise we showed."


"The difference between us, is that I have fooled myself into believing that I can still have SOMETHING worthwhile in my life to look forward to, and you ... you need to forgive yourself and make the most of what you still have."

"You need to stop wishing for what you could have had, and start doing what you can do, and have a good life." I don't think that is what she wanted to hear. She wanted more sympathy. But I don't like sympathy for myself ... I know I 'could have', just like her. Might have even been closer to making things for me 'happen' than she was for herself, I don't know and I don't really care.

Left her, then I did not hear from her for the rest of the week. Then I remembered that I have heard and seen of this movie ... so I called her and called her. She did not answer. I went by her house and she didn't answer the door, even though I knew she hadn't moved the car.


My worry? That her parents would come home and find their youngest daughter ... and I had been the last person who spoke with her. Uh, not on my watch! I swallowed my pride, and kept calling and emailing her. When I saw that she recieved the email, I knew she was at least up and at 'em. The night her parents came home, I rode by, and there she was, hale and healthy.

Pecan Sandie calls ME the drama queen (when I think she lives on Total Drama Island ... but that is me)




THIRD

A good friend of mine, Mickey Goodwin passed. He was alone at home when he had a stroke. They think that it happened as he was headed for the basement. He crarwled back up the stairs to the main floor.


Along with Thomas Hearns and Hilmer Kenty, Mickey was one of the big names when Kronk first became a big time gym for boxing. I remember that the Kronk Recreation Center had all the big time programs, football, baseball and basketball for the west side. It wasn't until Emmanuel Steward came and it became the place for boxing, not just on the west side, but after a while, the country!


Mick caught some tough breaks, and really didn't ever get his shot. But he seemed to be a good guy. I really got to know him when he began to train fighters, and he worked with me for some fights at the end of my string. We went to Canada a few times, and then somewhere in Europe ... Sweden or Norway. He was a great guy.


It was different seeing him as a trainer than it was being a jr. fighter and he was one of the 'princes' of the gym. But he wasn't a jerk then, and wasn't now. One of the big reasons his passing 'got to me', isn't only the suddeness, but that he was 50 when it happened. Not far for me to go before I get to that age ... I hope that I can make it that far.


FOURTH


I had written to Skye even before my Best Sister came around. So when she got back to Detroit, frustrated with family matters (or so the Germans would have me believe), she sat down and tried to put some of her issues off on me.


Our family is such a mess. We are over with our father, and neither of us feel any link to our blood. That is something that for me, is simply because I went my own way. For her, she is disappointed at the lack of closeness between her and her family.


Why? I can't explain it in depth, but again, Jan rears her head. But I didn't want to get all into that, and I didn't. When she gave me the hassles about not being able to see Skye, I held her up on that.


For what, it seemed like who ever I tried to go out with, from the two girls in high school, to my ex wife and Pecan Sandie, my sister took their side. Of course, they were led by Jan, who simply doesn't like black men. Never knew why, because we never talked like that. Do know that she has her self-loathing thing, and only has been with non-black men ... starter marriage with some white cat blew up some time ago.


Anywho, when my Best Sister was griefin' me over not being able to see her nieces (Skye and her older sister, BJ) she wanted to put all that on me. I don't have too much of a problem being 'the bad guy', because for real, I am. Bad choices, led to bad actions, and they brought about bad results. That is why I don't spend much time wondering why things ended up such a mess. Nor do I try to get out of the way of the skewering that comes my way.


But I am tired of being let down by my family. Period. Now, she wants to treat me like a rented mule because of HER disappointments, that she wants to believes in her fantasy about her family is her problem, not mine. She is 29, and what she keeps trying to put on her peeps never existed for her. One day, she is telling me about how she doesn't want to see her sister's and how they still talk bad about her, with cousins and my ex wife. The next, she is asking why they aren't close ...


... so I stopped her and told her what I thought. It is pretty simple. Jan didn't like you as we grew up. I did. Period.


When my marriage started to dissolve, for whatever reason, you took my ex wife's side. I could care less what anyone thought, I would not have taken someone who I wasn't related to side, in such a scene. I mean, unless I was doing something abnormal, what would make you not have my back?


I was the one getting hit, disrespected, treated like I was nothing. When I could have used someone backing me up, to help me figure out what's what, who could I have turned to? I don't see how anyone believed her, after growing up with me, and knowing what type of person I am ...


We'd eventually come to terms, but by now, my emotions were stretch. Then there came my run in on 'Second Life'!


FIFTH

I know that 'Second Life' is a gaming thing, where you have avatars and you build a virtual life. But that is how I feel about all online interaction, that it give people the ability to transcend their existence. Not everyone is 'false' out her, and I believe that there are more authentic folks out here than not ...

I try to communicate the person I am thru my journal. My life is messy, and I put my actual life out here for inspection and comment, much for the same reason I didn't feel like hearing my Best Sister put any of her not being able to see her nieces on me. The reality of our relationships has been one where I haven't had anyone to help 'guide' me through my trials. It sounds self serving to mention that I have been available to my younger sibs ... but it is true. I made my mistakes, and I try to live thru them.

When Mookie and I started to fray, I started keeping a journal on line, because I had hoped to connect to someone who could give me advice and would comment on how I was doing, as well as because it was far easier for me to type than it is to write. Now, I have gotten better at writing, and I do keep a journal that I write in.

But not everyone who reads, is a fan of my life choices. Not like I don't know that ... hell, some of them I AM NOT A FAN OF. It is, however messy or unpleasant, my life.

Now, Miss Alainueus is a local blogger/reader, who is a teacher somewhere in the Metro area. I would not mind meeting her, just to take a picture and say that I have met her. Yes, I am a fan of hers, because she teaches and I have the utmost respect for teachers. I should have taught, because that is what I wanted to do. Going to A&T to get a business degree, while a good idea, wasn't a passion.

So I think teachers are dreamy, the same way people think of firemen and police officers. Doesn't mean I am obsessed or anything. Now, she may be a reader of my mess, but that doesn't mean that she likes me.

Twice, since I have started keeping my journal on line, readers have suggested that I try to meet her. Once last year, and recently, someone urged me to get together with her again. So I dutifully emailed her, and she politely but firmly said no.

No worries, she said no. I have heard 'no' before, and it hasn't killed me ... yet!

I read her journal. She went out, and had some fun. The kind of fun that I wished that I could have. Even when I am 'out', I am almost always alone, and I don't have the same kind of adventure that she described on a trip she took to Chicago.

I thought that I couched my 'why' neatly and in a way that she wouldn't find offensive. Because I didn't want to know 'why' because she didn't want to go out with me, but because I wanted to know what I should look for, so that I COULD have a night like that. I even mentioned that I wasn't trying to be clever or trying to get personal, but I had hoped ...

... well, THAT didn't matter. She lit me up, hitting me with both barrels. And given my particular state at the start of this month ... it had me do something 'squirrely'.

I wrote about it to another online friend ... why, I don't know. So perhaps I have succeed in alienating TWO of my online friends. Not only that, it has sent me into a rut. I think that the person I wrote, did not apprieciate my intrusion, either.

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

It means that I am going to cut back my online stuff. Fewer comments, and fewer blogs read. All this stuff is clutter anyway.

March ... the ides of March. Time to get a Cinnabon, and call it a day!

GETTING OFF DRAMA ISLAND

THIS ISN'T ABOUT ANYTHING

A segment that doesn't relate directly to anything, but as the kids say, "It is what it is."

Monday February 23rd, AKA and I hung out over her parents house ... she had been blue over the previous weekend, and I went by to cheer her up. It would help, I thought, to let her know that I was thinking about her.

I know that she is in love with me. But I am not in love with her.

Our issues match up poorly, and this week was example #1 of that. I went visit her, as she was at home and her parents were out of town. Besides, as I knew she was feeling poorly, I aimed to help her feel cheered.

Unfortunately, I was in the start of a 'less than good' week. Missing my keys and some of my personal effects ... when I shouldn't have. I am trying to develop my personal habits, and somehow the stuff went 'missing'. Visiting AKA was not the best thing for me.

Her 'complications' mixed badly with mine. She is looking for commiseration, and indulges in pity. For me, I think I have to fight against that. Things are going to happen with me, and I have chosen to 'rage, rage, against the dying of the night'.

I was very critical of her. Told her what is the central point of this entry, that even though I care about her, we match up poorly. She feels compelled to invite pity on her, and I can't do that.

We really are cut from a similar cloth. Great potential, great hopes instilled in us, and very good starts. But somewhere in the process, we fell off, simple as that. We have dealt with our under achievements in different ways.

I use mine to keep me motivated to continue on, striving and hopeful. AKA, in my opinion, is buried and lost from not finding her way, and is lost. She invites sympathy, as if that alone will make her lack of achievement better. She sets unrealistic goals, unrealistic not because of their reach, but because she won't take the steps to make them become a reality.

And like the Mike Singletary drum I have been beating lately, people like that, "I can't coach with, can't play with, I can't win with".

Period.

... haven't we seen this movie before?

She reminds me of 'Jenny', from 'Forest Gump'. The drama that she brought in my life was damaging. The way that I called and called after her, and how she ignored my calls, had me concerned. I broke my protocol, and went after her, several times riding by her house to see if she was at her parents.

Last night, her Mom and Dad came home, and she was 'up and at 'em'. Which is all I wanted to see as the relief in me was washing over me in waves ... Now, I still will have a relationship with her, but it will definitely be curbed.

I am going to let her go off on her own. The relationship parameters have changed, permanently.

About Tee Jay

Now, my issue with her is this ... there is a way you act to show that you are receptive to someone, and then there are behaviours you choose when you aren't that interested in someone.

Doesn't matter why to me, but that IT IS. I don't think that calling her to have her 'stiff arm' me with stilted, forced conversation is something I am interested in. The few times we have spoken over the phone, that is what I felt. Same as far as when we were together. The 'fairies' that were present when we first went out, took the day off when we got together this time ...

Not to say that I don't feel the same way about her that I have always have, but I wonder what she feels about me, and just as important, what direction she is going in with her life. If her realistic goals are compatible with mine.

That she wants an H3 ...

There is going to be some mission creep, but I will do what I have to in order to avoid it. Nixxie says she would let me hang while I visited KT in Carolina, which is a contrast to Sandie, who wants me to do it on my own. So that is that with that. Perhaps something will happen on the backside of visiting KT ... I have to go thru Atlanta anyway. But if Sandie gives me grief, I won't worry about it.

Did email her a sparse, to the point note. Told her it wasn't an option me staying somewhere in Atlanta alone. Will give her a week, then think about how I am going to get to Carolina to visit.

Just a Word

Nebraska sent a letter stating that her relationship has been patched up, and that I overlooked her informing me of the repair.

No, I didn't.

On the 16th, she let me know that they were at odds. Earlier that week, she told me that she wanted me to 'cool' my 'sweet nothings' in our conversations and mail. So honestly, she hasn't made me aware of anything regarding her and her relationship.

I am noting this, because she thinks that she let me know that things are stable with her love life. That is fine. I didn't know that things were stabilized, and that is good for her.

Don't want to read too much into things, but I think it could be a case of 'the lady doth protest too much'. I have already let Tim know that I am going to move his way, and that is another step for me. Letting people know what I am going to do, is a big thing for me, a huge step.

That is about it. Getting ready to go out to eat with The Fly Skimmie. Think that will complete my 'home stand'.

MID MONTH ISSUES

Nebraska is going thru some 'stuff', and I broke the protocol she had established. Guess that means she is going to be sore with me. Que sera ... but will know more when I do hear from her again.

AKA is back, and is actually running well ... for someone who isn't going to win. I do not care at all for one of her brothers, and other than her Mom, I don't find myself particularly fond of her peeps. With her being close to her family, why should I enter a 'them or me' kind of relationship? Oh, that is just one of what are several issues I have with her, and they exclude any issues she would have to deal with in dealing with me.

Tee Jay ... still running second, but it is more like the 'who cares' second place in the AFC West in the '08 football season ... 8-8 San Diego won the divison but New England at 11-5 missed the playoff ... so who cares what the second place team in the West did, because it was nowhere near good enough to merit consideration for anything. What is it called ... oh yeah, ALSO RAN.

As to Nebraska ... I am still going to look for tickets for the late April - early May window I was originally looking at for a visit. It makes personal sense, and when she starts back talking with me, I will let her know that, hassle free. If it is a problem for her, then honestly, may have to scrub the whole thing.

The New Year

I am still stoked about it!



Think ol' Nebraska is feeling a little bit jealous or something. Haven't spoken to her, to find out. And the medium leaves something to be desired. Should I call, or should I just leave well enough alone? I am going to IM her, and leave it at that.



AKA, is still as confusing as ever. We have words, go apart, and then she wants to set up closer to me ... and I let her. Don't know what is going to happen next month, with Valentine's and all.



And the reason for that, is Tee Jay and I are supposed to be getting together. I am going to pick out a place, I want to go to the Whitney, but it remains to be seen. Merriweather's is a fine place too. I want to save that place for Nebraska, should she ever visit, or just keep it for me!

There really isn't nothing to report. Mission Creep has begun of sorts, but I am going to nip that in the bud. I am still going to focus on having a strong first quarter of the year, and then look forward to my away trips.