HAPPY WEEKEND ..?

 

One of the things I am doing is adjusting my attitude and personal profile, so that I can identify the things I need to change in myself. I happen to legitimately like the person that I am, and though I do need to get things together, it isn't that I am totally lost, and there is no panic and we aren't throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

 

Don't know if Mookie is going to come off the ring easily. It is okay by me, as the asking for it back is something that I am not sure I would have done a lifetime ago. She actually said that we will talk about that face to face, which I am not really wanting to do. And that means that it is EXACTLY what I should do. How many times the things that we NEED to do are dressed up as something difficult? Obviously there are some more lessons that I need to learn, that will serve me elsewhere. So I will make sure to be at my best in talking with her regarding the ring. I also hope to speak frankly with lil' Mook as well.

 

Bottom line. No worries.

 

ARE YOU SURE IT ISN'T GLASS ..?

 

Or twigs ..? Or perhaps straw ..? I mean, what IS your house made of ..?

 

There are things that I need to do differently, things I need to approach differently. But change is small and it is slow. It isn't all that complex nor is it immediately visible. That is what makes getting back into my general 'fighting shape' has reminded me. November is long ago NOW, but there were plenty of days I was still heavy.  Change in charater and attitude is not too different from the change your body undergoes when trying to become fit. When I talked with Hutch, he wondered aloud about some of what I shared with him, even remarking that some of what I looked forward isn't something he thought was going to benefit me in the short or long run.  But that is alright, because he ISN'T me, and the difference in how I think and act isn't something that comes right out and says 'WOW' like a new hair style or a new suit.

 

I am different. Reading from my first garbled entries, to my more coherent ones, I KNOW I am growing. That is what I am going to deal from, the growth and continued maturation that I am making. Late ..? Maybe, but better that it happens than not at all.

 

Last week, I had a serious talk with AKA. I told her quite bluntly that I wasn't up for games, and I have a zero tolerance for her normal ambiguity. The ignition point was, I called her and she got a little miffed at me. So I let her get over it, and I spoke to her. I asked if she was still mad, and she said 'No'. The conversation promptly stalled, as I found myself without conversation. I then said, "AKA, I am going to let you go", and she replied with an "O-o-o-k-a-y-y", you know the kind you give when you really want to talk more with someone.

 

I stopped her. I first asked if she had something she wanted to say, if she wanted to continue the conversation. The she tried to 'reflect' things, tellin me that I was the one who wanted to call things off. So I go, "Look, when we first started to hang out, your little phone coyness was something I dealt with. It isn't that I can't deal with it as much as I don't want to anymore. The pregnant pauses and the uncertain answers, hey, I am a smart enough guy. If it isn't something I can figure out in short order, I am going to be done with it."

 

"You can do that stuff with some other cat, but hey, it isn't about whether I like you or not as much as I don't want to put up with that stuff. I simply won't. The quotes I keep clinging to, my 'Rules To Live By' that I have, my LIFE EXPERIENCE, I have wondered when I am going to make that worth something ... and I have decided that it is now."

"I don't want to spend the last half of my life asking 'what if I ...' in regards to the things I already know. For instance, when I ask you a basic question, and you reply with some indefinite utterance, okay, I will bite and ask you again. BUT when you come back with the same ol' stuff, I am like 'cool', mark that down and then I can in clear conscious be done with you."

 

"Guessing at what someone thinks or feels isn't what I want the rest of my life to be about. Working with and from what I know, that is what I want to start doing, and it is never to late to begin now. When we used to hang, and you would 'play' this game, I would go on, stay on the phone, let you drop in or come by your place, the inference being that you wanted my company in some way."

 

"I have told you my goals. Now my question to you, is do you think that the crap you do is going to fit into my mindset? Because historically, I've told you that I didn't like that crap. And for me it is going to be a little more simple. I am going to do what I do, and let everything else be. And that includes you."

 

"Are you a little hurt? Well, I am a 'little sorry'. I still think I can achieve some of what I want out of my life, and playing kiddie emotional games runs counter to reaching them. So, consider this your ONE. As to what happens next, my 'I don't care' isn't like yours, because I want to live the things that I say. I won't deal in mixed messages. What you say is what you say. So if you hear me tell you 'I don't care', then believe that I am as close to that as I can possibly get. I am not going to play with you, and I am not going to deal with you, if you pull this crap that you have pulled with me before."

 

"Because, 'I don't need you', is a phrase that cuts both ways."

 

HOW ABOUT ME BEING 'RIGHT' FOR A CHANGE ..?

 

Which is another thing that I am going to solidify in my mind.

People are quick to tell you what YOU can't do, because they haven't tried it, or that they failed or were too timid to attempt. Even when they couch it with 'I can't see how people ...', all they are saying is that 'You are crazy, and if you think you can do that kind of stuff, you ain't got no sense!'

 

And they are usually as correct as that sentence is proper grammar.

 

The way I see it, I can for the simple reason I have decided that I can. The factors that need to be present are no different than ones that are there for those who accomplish the things they set out to do. The things necessary to scale a mountain are the same that need to be present when you dive to the depths of the ocean. Though there are different ways to reach the top, but there almost always seem to be some elements that seem to be present in all 'success' stories, that there was a lot of hard work and a deep, profound believe in oneself.

 

What I want, is what I WANT. Period. I have set my goal. Shouldn't infringe on anyone else, but hey, if it does, oh well. Where I am determined to go, is just that, and no one other than me can change that. Hip Hop, ghetto minded folks like that 'let me do me, and you do you' phrase.

Okay. I will bite. BUT just do you, okay? I am going to do me, and I will be just fine, you watch ..!

Secruity Plans and Operations

SECURITY, PLANS and OPERATIONS

… but first, a melancholy moment.

Last night, lil’ Mook had to rush from school and run thru the shower and change for a church function. She rushed getting herself together, and she stopped long enough to ask me for some pocket change …

… later that night, we were both down in our ‘cave’, poking fun at each other. I am really going to miss her, deeply. The growth in her approach to life that I know is because of my influence. She has been drilled in ‘thinking beyond the moment’ and for a teen, does so consistently. I had explained to her Mother, it is hard for me to tell her ‘no’, not because I am easy, but when someone does all of the things you could ask of them before they make their case, you risk becoming a hypocrite if you can’t find a legitimate reason to say ‘no’.

She knows that whenever she comes to me with a problem or a request, it is going to be reasoned out before we get to a conclusion. So our conversations are engaged and lively. I haven’t been able to ‘raise’ a child, and this is the closest I have come. To have been able to get her thru high school and guide her into college ( A&T..? Carolina Central ..? Virginia Union ..?), then I would claim this a ‘win’.

I went to bed with that on my mind … Mookie mentioned something about me “… mumbling in my sleep,” which my sibs used to joke me about as children. No doubt I was thinking, and luckily I didn’t mention any names! I have been doing a lot of riding on the back up bike, and I mean a lot, but today was ‘run’ day, as things have changed.

The tape I popped in, was ANCIENT. I was still a real good boxer, that is how old it is! But the song today that caught my ear, “Single” by Everything But The Girl, stuck in my mind. It captured in full, the emotions that a swirling around this house. Still not sure if Mookie is ‘sure’ that she wants this to end, and that is part of our overall problem. The ol’ husband and wife play, NO COMMUNITCATION. When the song came on, I ‘heard’ it as I ran, and given with what I was feeling along with current developments … well, here goes.

SECURITY, PLANS and OPERATIONS

I think I have been a little ‘loose’ with how I am handling things on my end. Though being here for Mother’s day is a drag, having to be convenient for someone else is bothersome. One of the things I had hoped to avoid was a ‘didi mow’ kind of dust-off from here. I have earned my stripes, and deserve to be able to gather myself to go. But that wouldn’t be an ‘official’ break-up. The friendship stuff will happen down the line. Now is the time for hard feelings, rough choices, vision obscured by the haze of heartache.

Too early to say if there really will be any contact after I go home. Because of what I know of her history and her character, I don’t expect for her to do what it would take just to talk, let alone win me back. As to that, I don’t like for people to put themselves out like that, you know? If I want to be a part of something with you, I will come with you. But it will be my decision. Mookie wouldn’t be the first person that I have told, “You’re cool and stuff, but no, I don’t want to see you again,”.

I wouldn’t want lil’ Mook to feel obligated to me, but I do aim to write her, and send her cards. I remember the previous camper, and I could see in her eyes that she missed him. I can walk that line, between her and her Mom. My mad isn’t like your mad, and the saying about ‘revenge being a dish …’ is true. It would be to my pleasure, as it is with my first wife, to be seen as the wonderful cat that you let go …

Lil’ Mook’s letter has been drafted. I will write one for Mookie sometime this weekend. From here on out, I won’t be too concerned with anything other than my objective, which is to get out of here. Period. That my Dad is looking at Wednesday as the day he comes and gets me. That actually works out fine, as my bike is in the shop, and hopefully will be done by then. I do have a ‘dust-off’ scenario, but I am not looking forward to that.

I will be ‘dark’ for the next few days, as I have made up my mind. I am going to leave without nagging regrets, the kind that make you look back. Healing will begin as soon I as I shut the door for the last time, and that step will be the first of my next journey.

tomorrow's entry

Progress Report

Had hoped that I could get some stuff done by mail ... could have sped things along, but no such luck.  Dag!  Today, I took another step towards my leaving, picking up my file from my attorney for my disability case.

This is where I utilize, 'selective denial'.  See, I already KNOW what is wrong with me, and my good sense tells me what I can and can't do.  What I would NEED to know is what I NEED to know.

See, like the cat that was on 'The Today Show' yesterday, and every so often in the news (prolly under most folks radar ... after all, brain trauma is something that I am interested in) there is stories about advances in that area that they did not know before.  Since there is still a lot they don't know, and it seems like there are people getting back to super high levels of their abilities, why should I read a report that says what I can't do?

That cat somehow came back from being dead.  And he is up walking around.  There are all kinds of these marvels happening all over the world ... why can't I believe that I am one of them?

So I don't even think of it as 'denial' as it is finding a way to make a way through life.

Another Rebuff ... but it is cool

Mookie seemed willing earlier ... but when she came to bed, she went dead ... so I am down here, trying to fall asleep ... sorta sleepy ... sorta over it ... sorta don't want to go to Easter dinner ... but that was before this development ... so we will see ...

Interesting

Mookie made breakfast today.  She made pancakes, putting chocolate chips in mine.  This confirms what I have been picking up from her, that she is somewhat aware that I am unhappy.  But it is far too little and way too late.  I am not going to help her out in this ...

This is something that is going to be all for me.  I think that not only am I going to 'only' give her $100, I am still going to go visit Ron the week after next ... and I will be sure to call, to check in ... don't want to worry her at this point.

... is she coming around ..?

… and how was YOUR day ..?

Mine was pretty fine, after a stumbling start. I forgot that the Mook’s were going to be home due to the MLK holiday. That kind of threw me off my square. My therapist had rescheduled our appointment for Wednesday, and it IS cold outside to be riding a bike aimlessly.

So I thought today was going to be a struggle. My and Mookie Dee did manage a decent breakie, and even had a nice Seinfeld -ian conversation. Lil’ Mook stirred, and they would dress and go out shopping. Mookie Dee is a LL Cool J fan, and they won tickets to a concert back in the Motor. Actually, her daughter did, and she ALWAYS win those call-in on the radio. She is uncanny at that! Anyway, they went out to the local mall to look for stuff. That allowed me to breath a little, because I had spent the weekend, and though it went well, I didn’t want to push my luck!

Even though I had my ‘space’, I was still feeling rather dingy. Don’t know what was the cause. Days like today, where I am of my routine, can give me a case of the ‘uncertains’. And that is not cool. So I cheated.

HOW TO CHEAT

I wandered the house looking for comfort food, for the same reason ANYONE looks for comfort food. I usually let my ride to my therapist count as my aerobic workout, and then do some light floor work. Since I wanted to eat something off the reservation, I told myself that I could, but I had to do a nice run, at least 3 miles. Yes Virginia, I know the temp out doors, but in layers, with my ear and hands covered, it takes a less than a minute to warm up. So I did a run.

Coming in, I did some floor work with my stability ball, a little stretch stuff and shadowed up for 15 minutes. Whatever mental toxins that were in me had flushed right out. I went and picked up a soda pop, pop a Marie Callendar pot pie in the oven, and showered.

The food was done and the Mook’s arrived shortly after. MD dropped the baby off, and went back out for a pizza using a credit from a screwed order. Then the movie ‘Gothika’ with Halle Berry came on … which was okay, especially for something just caught on TV, no effort to find it. What WAS surprising was that Mookie sat and watched with me. Now, I got to wonder … last week we had an actual conversation, and today she sat and watched a movie that had “Mark” all over it.

AS A PREDATOR THINKETH …

This is why I don’t mind criticism. There is a reader of my musing who thinks clearly that I am a crap guy. I am like sooo cool with that, because I don’t let the crap in me define me. I don’t WANT to be a crap guy, so I don’t mind what she says. Because as ‘sensitive and caring’ or even as ‘effeminite’ as I may seem, I am STILL a guy. And when it comes down to it, I ACT like a guy.

See, I recognize where I am in this relationship has more in common to what a female role is than the stereotypical male. Is Mookie steppin’ out? That possibility has crossed my mind more than once or even twice … I can make change for a nickel with the regularity of our rolls in the hay per month …

My ego doesn’t bruise by that kind of blow. That is more like a slap with a velvet glove. It is this twisting thing that has gotten to me. It is the dismissing of my needs and the lack of attention that trouble me more. That is unmistakable. So whether or not she is steppin’, doesn’t it all add up to the same thing for me? By her taking the time out to engage me in the kind of unique conversation that you share with a person you care about, then taking time away from what ever ‘New York’ is doing or who is rump shakin’ on BET to watch ‘Gothika’ with me …

Well, being more comfortable with the predator’s role in this particular jungle, I STILL don’t get over excited with a couple of random incidents. That is what a guy would do, to through his girl off his trail …

CONCLUSION

Not going to over think things … trying to get out of that. But it did feel good to feel like I mattered around here for once ..!

... accelerant

The conversation that I had hoped to hold until February came out last night.  I cannot believe that Mook is so short sighted.  I am really teetering on not wanting to be with her, from the stand point of getting out RIGHT NOW ...

Because it is the same thing, I won't go into details.  I really didn't let her talk, because her actions have told me all that I need to know.  Her rebuttal of 'you do it too' doesn't hold because I do think that I react to her, and she determines how I carry myself around here as much as I do.

But because the person her actions cause me to be, is someone that I don't want to be, I don't feel comfortable in our relationship.  I told her what I feel I am risking as far as my health and well being is concerned.  That is my overriding concern right now. 

I think, just think, my time is short in Lansing.