Secruity Plans and Operations

SECURITY, PLANS and OPERATIONS

… but first, a melancholy moment.

Last night, lil’ Mook had to rush from school and run thru the shower and change for a church function. She rushed getting herself together, and she stopped long enough to ask me for some pocket change …

… later that night, we were both down in our ‘cave’, poking fun at each other. I am really going to miss her, deeply. The growth in her approach to life that I know is because of my influence. She has been drilled in ‘thinking beyond the moment’ and for a teen, does so consistently. I had explained to her Mother, it is hard for me to tell her ‘no’, not because I am easy, but when someone does all of the things you could ask of them before they make their case, you risk becoming a hypocrite if you can’t find a legitimate reason to say ‘no’.

She knows that whenever she comes to me with a problem or a request, it is going to be reasoned out before we get to a conclusion. So our conversations are engaged and lively. I haven’t been able to ‘raise’ a child, and this is the closest I have come. To have been able to get her thru high school and guide her into college ( A&T..? Carolina Central ..? Virginia Union ..?), then I would claim this a ‘win’.

I went to bed with that on my mind … Mookie mentioned something about me “… mumbling in my sleep,” which my sibs used to joke me about as children. No doubt I was thinking, and luckily I didn’t mention any names! I have been doing a lot of riding on the back up bike, and I mean a lot, but today was ‘run’ day, as things have changed.

The tape I popped in, was ANCIENT. I was still a real good boxer, that is how old it is! But the song today that caught my ear, “Single” by Everything But The Girl, stuck in my mind. It captured in full, the emotions that a swirling around this house. Still not sure if Mookie is ‘sure’ that she wants this to end, and that is part of our overall problem. The ol’ husband and wife play, NO COMMUNITCATION. When the song came on, I ‘heard’ it as I ran, and given with what I was feeling along with current developments … well, here goes.

SECURITY, PLANS and OPERATIONS

I think I have been a little ‘loose’ with how I am handling things on my end. Though being here for Mother’s day is a drag, having to be convenient for someone else is bothersome. One of the things I had hoped to avoid was a ‘didi mow’ kind of dust-off from here. I have earned my stripes, and deserve to be able to gather myself to go. But that wouldn’t be an ‘official’ break-up. The friendship stuff will happen down the line. Now is the time for hard feelings, rough choices, vision obscured by the haze of heartache.

Too early to say if there really will be any contact after I go home. Because of what I know of her history and her character, I don’t expect for her to do what it would take just to talk, let alone win me back. As to that, I don’t like for people to put themselves out like that, you know? If I want to be a part of something with you, I will come with you. But it will be my decision. Mookie wouldn’t be the first person that I have told, “You’re cool and stuff, but no, I don’t want to see you again,”.

I wouldn’t want lil’ Mook to feel obligated to me, but I do aim to write her, and send her cards. I remember the previous camper, and I could see in her eyes that she missed him. I can walk that line, between her and her Mom. My mad isn’t like your mad, and the saying about ‘revenge being a dish …’ is true. It would be to my pleasure, as it is with my first wife, to be seen as the wonderful cat that you let go …

Lil’ Mook’s letter has been drafted. I will write one for Mookie sometime this weekend. From here on out, I won’t be too concerned with anything other than my objective, which is to get out of here. Period. That my Dad is looking at Wednesday as the day he comes and gets me. That actually works out fine, as my bike is in the shop, and hopefully will be done by then. I do have a ‘dust-off’ scenario, but I am not looking forward to that.

I will be ‘dark’ for the next few days, as I have made up my mind. I am going to leave without nagging regrets, the kind that make you look back. Healing will begin as soon I as I shut the door for the last time, and that step will be the first of my next journey.