HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Nebraska took me to dinner at Granite City Food&Brewery.  It is a way cool place and it has a nice looking menu to boot.  I got there at 4:00 p.m. and sat in the bar for an hour or so as I was early. When she arrived an realized that I was already there she reminded me how archaic my behavior can be because I did not 'text' her that I had arrived.  I thought about it and had to agree that I need to update how I handle communications in the mobile device era.  People being able to understand how behaviors influence actions, i.e., knowing that a person tends to arrive early for dates or meetings and that the only reason to make contact prior to the scheduled time is if something is amiss.  In this, I am still in the Pleistocene and no matter how stubborn I am, the days where not making use of text and whatever technology is available is flat out rude and crudmudgeonly. 


The meal was nice and I liked the restaurant a lot.  Our conversation left a lot to be desired as I guided things around to our relationship.  Maybe the timing of my pressing the issue between us was bad but like I told her, I had not seen her for months and she brought up the bike event and that was another example of our lack or bad communications skills.  In the end, I felt put out because I did not know that she was balancing her role as Mom at the same time she was being a friend.  That wasn't a problem because I understand but I think it is rude to not disclose what's what beforehand.  Or maybe it was my fault for thinking that it was going to be more than what it was... who knows?


Our relationship has eroded to a point where I don't think about 'us' in a positive way.  From the idea that our past is prologue, 

Riding the elevator up to my apartment, I reflected on something Nebraska mentioned about how disappointed she was with the key card system here at my apartment building.  She did not like that she had to have me come down an let her in.  At first I did not understand why because I could not imagine such door security being out of place in project housing.  I then thought about the times after I first arrived in town and how I thought it would be a keen thing for her to plan a 'surprise' by beating me to my apartment.  But with the key card required, I don't think that she would be able to make anything like that happen.  A light came on- and I am going to approach her from a different direction whenever we sit down and talk.


For me, the whole 'what I am used to; what I am not used to' debate is old as is the reflective 'what I expected; what I did not expect' about my arrival here and our and the way our relationship has progressed.  Other than a mutual attraction and interest, I did not have any preconception about Omaha or how we'd get along.  But it was in the elevator that I first thought that it is Nebraska's idea of what we'd be like together that has contributed to our frequent misunderstandings.  It isn't about her not being anything that I thought but more that she had hopes for us that she did not disclose and that contributes to our discord.  It makes sense,  with her taking her idea as the standard, and her seeing me in a better light at a distance.  She misses me when we are on these 'breaks' and this latest one is no exception.  She has not only broke with the 'no contact' rule she imposed with a few e-mails this week but I just have a sense that she has stronger feelings that she is willing to share with me.

THE GESTAPO THAT SURROUNDS MY HEART

SOMETIMES I WONDER IF YOU'RE  MYTHOLOGIZING ME LIKE I DO YOU...

It isn't about whether or not I think we are meant to be with each other or not.  But I knew that I had to find me a place where I could be 'alive' and not just 'live'.  Being used to having my reasoning questioned to the point of near-ridicule (because my methodology is so 'eclectic'), I am no stranger to doubters who can't conceive of making the life choices I have made based on something that is to them, radical, if not lunacy.

See, I know that I am the only one who remembers how cool Johnny Rodgers was when he won the Heisman and how I thought that Vince Ferragamo was one of the fastest white boys ever when he ran the option for the Huskers!  The significance of the small and seeming things of little consequence that other people overlook, were for me, enough to put a hold on me that I could not shake off.

Nebraska was also crucial in my moving here.  I can't diminish her role in my decision, especially after our meet in Chicago in November of '07.  There was something present that first meeting which would set its roots in me.  But I don't think that she understands that the seed that was planted long ago merely sprouted when we made our on-line acquaintance over ten years ago.  Had it truly been as 'Dateline Eligible' as she may have worried about, or was it something that existed in only my mind?

I remember her once telling me that one of the reasons that she found my adoration so sudden and unexpected and easy for her to dismiss was the place she was at spiritually and emotionally.  She was not long out of her divorce and was reeling from the stigmas related to that experience.  Alone, with three girls... I can imagine how she prolly recoiled from my forwardness.  We'd have our conversations and they would have their ups and their downs but my emotions were steady.

One of the things that I am finding with her as a 'local', is that I think she feels we are operating from a clean slate.  Not only that, maybe she had expectations that we had not discussed and is judging me and subsequently us, by her hidden hopes for us.  To discuss the things we 'shoulda' talked about before I became settled into Omaha is stating the obvious.  Now I am wondering if the damage is even repairable.  There are times where I don't even want to be bothered by her... and then there are days that ... well, I am NOT bothered by her and that seems to get at me a little as well!

In one of her e-mails/IM's she posed the challenge to me... she said that she wasn't easy and she isn't.  There are moments where I can't see myself working to repair our relationship and then there are moments where my mind spins with things to say and questions to ask, all with the intention of smoothing things out in our relationship.  But when I get myself together to 'say' them, the words get stuck in my mind.

One of the problems I see play out too often in relationships is when there are enough tangible evidence that points to problems too great for the principles to overcome.  Usually I am concerned with my nature and the historic issues that I have had with women.  But this time there is something different about the push-back that I get with Nebraska.  

She has admitted to an insecurity, if not an outright fear of a relationship.  I still have the metaphorical scars from her lashing out at me suggesting that she did not know what love is when the conversation between us veered near the area of her marriage... or relationship with her previous beau... I am not sure.  What I am growing certain of is that maybe 'she is right'.

I don't do a lot of negative imagining.  I consider myself level-headed in that I don't go off into a random direction.  I understood that we had different outlooks on life and attitudes regarding the world(s) we are from and the one we see.  She has repeatedly said that we are too different and our differences contrasted sharply against each other.  Though I am accustomed to a different kind of relationship disposition, it isn't like I am nothing if not versatile!  Her unique mix of character traits though, is very different that what I had expected... or was led to expect from her.

If I had an idea of what to expect of her...

MEANWHILE... BACK AT THE RANCH...

While Nebraska is the only on-line relationship that has been 'consummated', that is to say, that has crossed the barrier from the digital to the tangible worlds, I have attracted notice... and this time, I think that I am being attracted as well. 

There is 'this and that' going on with them, things that give me pause.  But if this person continues on in the direction they seem to be headed, who knows where this will lead..?

FOOD FOR THOUGHT...KIDS REACT to Osama bin Laden's Death

Hope everyone enjoyed the Memorial Day weekend. Even if you did not particularly think of the vets, that is understandable. Fewer Americans are connected to the men who serve and more are connected to the largress of 'the complex', and that is a discussion unto itself.

As you can see I have been watching You Tube and found this video from The Fine Bros. 'Kid React' series. Pretty interesting to see how kids saw the Osama Bin Laden assassination.

MID YEAR REPORT

THE GOOD

Looks like I will be starting school in the fall!  Since I do plan on transferring to UN-O, I am taking primarily non-electives at Metro Community College.  So far the process has been easy enough and next week I am going to call the counselor for Disabled Student's and see what is what when it comes to making accommodations for me.

My back has gotten better since my accident but it still gives me trouble.  I can get around pretty good and I have been able to use the squat rack but not at the level I was before I got hit.  The therapy has been effective and other than the week I lost my phone, I have been going following through with the routine regularly.

The rapport that I have with Frankie at Vocational Rehab is pretty good, or I should say she made a good first and second impression with me.  Hopefully, I have done the same with her.  Not going to rush things and I will be patient as I still am not sure what kind of work I can do or if I have the stamina to work as I go to school.  I think she was a little surprised that I took the initiative and had already gotten started on enrollment at Metro.

THE BAD

The 'less than really bad' was losing out on an inexpensive bike at the Re-cycle shop and having a snafu with the bike at Sol's Jewelry and Loan out near my therapist office.  Then when I went out there today, the bike I was looking at had a price on it that was jacked from the price they were going to let it go for at first.

I will bid the first price and see if they bite.  If they don't, oh well.

Lost my phone on a run to the gym and it sent me into a tailspin.  Was out of it for most of a week, feeling vulnerable for the first time since I have been in Omaha, maybe the only time since I have been diagnosed with CTBE.  But that does not account for my snapping at Nebraska.  Eventually, the SFC sent me a new (her old) phone, so that brought my spirits up a great deal.

Now that I have mentioned Nebraska, I can talk about...

THE UGLY

Between the rant that I emailed her and the message that I left on her WORK PHONE, I should not be surprised that has cut me off from all contact.  What does her silence mean to me at this present time?

First off, I won't let my ego keep me from speaking to her.  I will also make certain to keep civility paramount whenever we do talk, IF we talk again.

While I came to Omaha with thoughts of our relationship blossoming into something special, all we seem to do is get into misunderstandings and exchanging harsh words.  Instead of growing closer together we seem to be further apart than we were while I was in Virginia.  We never promised that we'd be a couple before I got here and it has become easier to imagine us never getting together, and if THAT isn't ironic, then I don't know what is (and I prolly don't!!)!!

The both of us are prolly a little surprised and disappointed that things did not get off to a better start between us.  Our communications were never clear and were straightened out.  Our signals have remained mixed and I wonder if things are at the point of diminshing returns.

OH NO... WHAT'S THIS?

THE FACTS AS I KNOW THEM

My headaches are worsening.  For the first time since I have been diagnosed I feel as if I am truly disabled.  Not like I did not realize this before but now, if the only thing I have is post-concussion syndrome, I will have to take that as a good sign.

Right now I am sitting in relative darkness, the only light in my empty apartment being thrown by the television and my laptop.  Each time that I have sat for awhile and feel like moving out, I feel dizzy and light-headed.  I don't know how I am going to make it from here to the lawyer's office... and the doctor's appointment coming right on the heels of that excursion the very next day.

The lawyer that I spoke to on the phone is kind of a non-believer and I may go and let an ambulance chase take my case.  If I am able to get a new bike and enough money to go home, I will be fine.  Not trying to get rich but trying to be safe and get to medical assistance. 

Now I don't know if Nebraska is forming an attachment but I don't want to become an additional responsibility for her to have on her plate.   Her having to come up with money for a new laptop for her oldest and having to look out for her Moms is enough on her plate already.  I wonder if I would be no more than like a child, helping her take care of me instead of my taking care of myself.

Yes, it is still early and a little soon to be throwing in the towel, but damn, I am hurting and this is so not cool.

THE HUSBAND AND WIFE PLAY NEEDS TO BE REMOVED FROM THE PLAYBOOK

I think that most people have problems with separating the fiction of their own preconceived notions from the harshness of the realities of the world around them.  The fantasies that they create are coping mechanisms for the disappointment and pain that are too much for their consciousness to bear.

My sister spoke as if I should have known that she would make sure that I would have been able to come to her wedding, not matter what.  That ISN'T what she said when I first expressed my reservations when I told her that I was moving to Omaha shortly before her wedding date and I would not be able to afford to be at her wedding.  To hear her say that I should have let her knowhow much finacial stress that my participation in her wedding is on me and that she would have shouldered the some, if not all, of the costs that are burdensome on me.

This is where the separation from reality begins and the technicolor begins to blur.  While she admits to how influential in a positive way I have been on her, she brushes off the things she has done that worked against me in a most harmful way.  Her one defence... 'I was young' does not measure up against our blood ties and I won't ever forgive her.  People say that not being able forgive is like holding on to weight and is a burden that I put upon myself.  I disagree.  I think that the remembering is what keeps me aware of the risks that are involved whenever roads cross and my sisters are involved.

What I will do is ask her if she can pay to have my other boxes mailed to me from Detroit.  I won't mention the dent this is going to put on my Christmas and how it will leave me jammed up for who knows how long.  That simply isn't my way and this will provide me the leverage to move beyond my family.  I don't know if I will ever see any of them in any better light to make me want to travel to SEE them, but with LouCeel, Ken and Beth, I could find a place to stay while I visit my friends in the area.  Also, the bigger win could be in the 'in case of emergency', especially if her marriage is long and happy.  I may need someone to care for me at some point in my future. 

As far as Nebraska and me are concerned, our relationship has degraded very quickly since I have been in town.  There have been several very bad moments and this weekend has encapsulates nearly all of our misunderstandings only with greater consequences. 

I am not satisfied with how we communicate with each other.  The electronic forms that she uses to send me 'updates' leave much to be desired as we always infer different things from the brief texts and impersonal emails that we use to keep up with one another. 

What I think that I understand about her is that first, her priority is her children, not only is it commendable, but it is also hers to own.  My understanding of her thinking is that her main consideration is her daughters and that I am to remain at a distance.  That is how it has been with other men in her life, online relationships or with people who lived out of town.  She often said that she could foresee problems between us, mainly because she would be the 'wind rustling the leaves in the trees', that she would either do or say something that would cause us to split.  She wasn't wrong about that. 

I don't have an issue with putting the majority of the problems between us, particularly this trip, on her.  After all, she DID promise to get me to Chicago and I took her at her word.  That is NOT what is happening.  I am going to catch the bus and my sister is going to arrange to have me picked up from there.  This is going to be a long 96 hours.  We don't have much communication and when we do...

I don't care for us not talking at all.  I don't like her snarky emails and I don't like replying to them.  If the intent is to anger me, she does that.  But is that what she means?  Because I don't know her as well as she thinks she knows me, we will continue to step on toes until one of us decides to stop dancing and either sign up for lessons or decided to leave the party.