Random Thoughts

Tee Jay sends out signals that she would look favorably if I was to try to win her back and starting a new relationship.  I also think Nebraska would really enjoy my company and like having me near her.

The both of them kind of shape up as a Terrell Owens/Randy Moss pair in my mind, both similar in that they have reputations as prima donna's but in my view, are actually very different, despite what is seen by the naked eyes as commonalities.

Both Tee Jay and Nebraska are very beautiful women to me, and both very capable of being fantastic partners to anyone, much less me.  They both come with pro's and cons, which I will have to weigh as I continue to work on restructuring my life.  As I used sports in my thinking as a metaphor, I am going to use the NFL for this particular discussion.

In comparing apples and oranges, people overlook that they are both fruits and therefore is good and beneficial.  It is only a matter of preference that their differences are pronounced.  Same thing when comparing 'football players' and determining the direction of your 'team'.  Do you draft a whiz kid from college and spend a lot of money on someone who seems to be a talent, albeit on a certain level with no guarantee they would be productive, much less the talent that they were in college, or do you go the 'free agent' route and pick up someone who has proven on this level that they can compete among the best, making Pro Bowls, but may have started a slide into decline ... not steep, and barely there, but you have to wonder how much is left before you make a big commitment to them.

Terrell Owens was able to develop under Jerry Rice in San Fransico.  He supplanted Jerry and became the main threat for the 49'ers passing game.  On the surface, he gave the apperance of a spoiled, selfish player, even throwing a teammate, quarterback Jeff Garcia 'under the bus' when things weren't going well.  Caused a lot of controversy.

Randy Moss is not without his share of baggage.  In college, he was supposed to go toa big school, but couldn't because of some legal issues.  Bounced around, played spectacularly at a smaller school, then was drafted, not where his talent warranted, high in the draft board, but in the middle to low part of the 1st round ... mind you, this still meant he would get millions of dollars, just not as many million as he had hoped.  When he played for the Minnesota Vikings, his talent was obvious and the team won games.  But he had periods of moodiness, and would not listen to consul of the veterans around him.  He left Minnesota, went to Oakland where things were worse, and he didn't like it.

He is in New England now, a winning team, but whose star quarterback was lost for the season.  What is Randy going to do?  Superficially, people lump them both in the same boat, yet there is a difference between them ...

Nebraska looks like she was sent from central casting in my mind.  I wouldn't be able to tear my eyes from her in a room full of super models and Playboy beauties.  She has all the things that I am looking for in a woman, so I would not want anyone else.  Of course I could say the same about Tee Jay and it be equally true.  Were they to be in my life, in the same town, that would cause a nullification on a cosmic level, which is REALLY why I think I am diggin' on Sage Steele.  Digression, coming back to Nebraska.

To me, she is like the young stud coming out of college, a career of accolades and steady development into the All-America, high draft pick person that she is.  Younger and with more potential (maybe), there isn't any doubt that she should get that big rookie contract ...

... but should I be the one to offer it to her?

The big thing that started to turn my opinion of Terrell Owens was his time with Philadelphia.  Again, he stirred up the pot with his quarterback, but where there was some whispers in San Francisco, they became louder in Philly.  He was really a good teammate, practiced hard, and was helpful to improving how social relations and the dynamics of the team were.  He played for himself, but he also played for the team, which is what he showed when the Eagles were in the Super Bowl and he came back from a broken leg far sooner than expected.  Not only did he come back, but he was the best player for Philly that day.  At risk to his entire career, he laid it on the line for the one sure chance at a Super Bowl ring.

Randy Moss went to New England for the chance to get to a Super Bowl, as they are the best team in the NFL.  He played hard and well, despite his reputation (some would say penchant) for going lax on plays not designed to go his way, and not to play hard all the time he was on the field.  What will he do now that it isn't going to be as simple as having the best quarterback throw him the ball, and that he is going to have to work with someone who may not be as skilled at the position?  There is malingering in his reputation.

Because Tee Jay and I have actually been a couple, and I have a better idea of how things would be, I had to make her the 'experienced' free agent, who is more of a known quantity.  As much as I love her, she still has some 'items' attached to her as well.

Nebraska, I am sure, underestimates how much I 'know' about her.  I have literally dated hundreds of women, and this has been an interest of mine as long as she has even been alive.  I can gauge her, how she will act or 'play' if you will.  My instincts are very good ... I don't have the totals that I have for nothing.

Another reason, I am not going to rush into things.  I do think she would be more open to a relationship if I were in town.  What she doesn't know is that she has come close to saying 'magic words', things that would cause me to scuttle the whole thing and start anew.  I am going to wait until I go to Omaha to find out what's what about her, before I make any more evaluations about her.

Time for a reorginization

GETTING BACK INTO FORM

This month, I have 'let up' on the mental focus and not been as intense as I had been for the previous 9 months or so of this manouver.  Getting the child support straightened out finally took a lot of pressure off me, especially with my not being able to keep the job at the hotel ... which is partially annoying, not being 'terminated' but never being put on the schedule.  I don't get it, but I call each week to 'check in' and I am going to go down and mention something to the HR, to keep me in mind.

One of the things about being here with my Dad, is that I get to 'practice' how I am going to be.  I get to be a little 'detatched' and what is 'involved' for other people, is going thru the motions for me.  This month, swallowing some of the guilt that I feel about leaving people out there without any one to guide them, has become easier.

As it is, I still don't understand all of what is going on, nor do I know what my Dad has going on.  I am going to have to really be hard on myself fiscally, in order to save up money to move.  Haven't decided on the amount, but I will be better set in January to make a budget.

One of the things I am going to address is getting a late winter/early spring visit to Nebraska, to confirm how I feel about the place and about her feelings for me.  I would feel more comfortable if my sister was going to still be posted in Kansas, but the big test that I am going thru here, to be independent as I can, find a new normal, should take care of those butterflies.

Honestly, I think Nebraska does want to like me, but understandbly is worried about the fianacial part of a relationship.  That is cool, but the big, big thing for me, is that someone WANTS me to be their partner not make me do the regular 'extra earning' of her affections.  For someone to travel all that way just for the hope of being with her, even in the face of the knowing what I know about her wants, had better earn me 'points' to where I can just be me, and not walking on the egg shells that are always present in the early part of a relationship.

I already have enough real issues to deal with.  From getting accustomed to a whole new world and society, making sure I have my medical arrangements made, I don't think that I will be up for the hoop jumping that comes with winnings someone over.

He crossed the bridge.  That should be enough.  Besides, she does have friends ..!

 

HAPPY WEEKEND ..?

 

One of the things I am doing is adjusting my attitude and personal profile, so that I can identify the things I need to change in myself. I happen to legitimately like the person that I am, and though I do need to get things together, it isn't that I am totally lost, and there is no panic and we aren't throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

 

Don't know if Mookie is going to come off the ring easily. It is okay by me, as the asking for it back is something that I am not sure I would have done a lifetime ago. She actually said that we will talk about that face to face, which I am not really wanting to do. And that means that it is EXACTLY what I should do. How many times the things that we NEED to do are dressed up as something difficult? Obviously there are some more lessons that I need to learn, that will serve me elsewhere. So I will make sure to be at my best in talking with her regarding the ring. I also hope to speak frankly with lil' Mook as well.

 

Bottom line. No worries.

 

ARE YOU SURE IT ISN'T GLASS ..?

 

Or twigs ..? Or perhaps straw ..? I mean, what IS your house made of ..?

 

There are things that I need to do differently, things I need to approach differently. But change is small and it is slow. It isn't all that complex nor is it immediately visible. That is what makes getting back into my general 'fighting shape' has reminded me. November is long ago NOW, but there were plenty of days I was still heavy.  Change in charater and attitude is not too different from the change your body undergoes when trying to become fit. When I talked with Hutch, he wondered aloud about some of what I shared with him, even remarking that some of what I looked forward isn't something he thought was going to benefit me in the short or long run.  But that is alright, because he ISN'T me, and the difference in how I think and act isn't something that comes right out and says 'WOW' like a new hair style or a new suit.

 

I am different. Reading from my first garbled entries, to my more coherent ones, I KNOW I am growing. That is what I am going to deal from, the growth and continued maturation that I am making. Late ..? Maybe, but better that it happens than not at all.

 

Last week, I had a serious talk with AKA. I told her quite bluntly that I wasn't up for games, and I have a zero tolerance for her normal ambiguity. The ignition point was, I called her and she got a little miffed at me. So I let her get over it, and I spoke to her. I asked if she was still mad, and she said 'No'. The conversation promptly stalled, as I found myself without conversation. I then said, "AKA, I am going to let you go", and she replied with an "O-o-o-k-a-y-y", you know the kind you give when you really want to talk more with someone.

 

I stopped her. I first asked if she had something she wanted to say, if she wanted to continue the conversation. The she tried to 'reflect' things, tellin me that I was the one who wanted to call things off. So I go, "Look, when we first started to hang out, your little phone coyness was something I dealt with. It isn't that I can't deal with it as much as I don't want to anymore. The pregnant pauses and the uncertain answers, hey, I am a smart enough guy. If it isn't something I can figure out in short order, I am going to be done with it."

 

"You can do that stuff with some other cat, but hey, it isn't about whether I like you or not as much as I don't want to put up with that stuff. I simply won't. The quotes I keep clinging to, my 'Rules To Live By' that I have, my LIFE EXPERIENCE, I have wondered when I am going to make that worth something ... and I have decided that it is now."

"I don't want to spend the last half of my life asking 'what if I ...' in regards to the things I already know. For instance, when I ask you a basic question, and you reply with some indefinite utterance, okay, I will bite and ask you again. BUT when you come back with the same ol' stuff, I am like 'cool', mark that down and then I can in clear conscious be done with you."

 

"Guessing at what someone thinks or feels isn't what I want the rest of my life to be about. Working with and from what I know, that is what I want to start doing, and it is never to late to begin now. When we used to hang, and you would 'play' this game, I would go on, stay on the phone, let you drop in or come by your place, the inference being that you wanted my company in some way."

 

"I have told you my goals. Now my question to you, is do you think that the crap you do is going to fit into my mindset? Because historically, I've told you that I didn't like that crap. And for me it is going to be a little more simple. I am going to do what I do, and let everything else be. And that includes you."

 

"Are you a little hurt? Well, I am a 'little sorry'. I still think I can achieve some of what I want out of my life, and playing kiddie emotional games runs counter to reaching them. So, consider this your ONE. As to what happens next, my 'I don't care' isn't like yours, because I want to live the things that I say. I won't deal in mixed messages. What you say is what you say. So if you hear me tell you 'I don't care', then believe that I am as close to that as I can possibly get. I am not going to play with you, and I am not going to deal with you, if you pull this crap that you have pulled with me before."

 

"Because, 'I don't need you', is a phrase that cuts both ways."

 

HOW ABOUT ME BEING 'RIGHT' FOR A CHANGE ..?

 

Which is another thing that I am going to solidify in my mind.

People are quick to tell you what YOU can't do, because they haven't tried it, or that they failed or were too timid to attempt. Even when they couch it with 'I can't see how people ...', all they are saying is that 'You are crazy, and if you think you can do that kind of stuff, you ain't got no sense!'

 

And they are usually as correct as that sentence is proper grammar.

 

The way I see it, I can for the simple reason I have decided that I can. The factors that need to be present are no different than ones that are there for those who accomplish the things they set out to do. The things necessary to scale a mountain are the same that need to be present when you dive to the depths of the ocean. Though there are different ways to reach the top, but there almost always seem to be some elements that seem to be present in all 'success' stories, that there was a lot of hard work and a deep, profound believe in oneself.

 

What I want, is what I WANT. Period. I have set my goal. Shouldn't infringe on anyone else, but hey, if it does, oh well. Where I am determined to go, is just that, and no one other than me can change that. Hip Hop, ghetto minded folks like that 'let me do me, and you do you' phrase.

Okay. I will bite. BUT just do you, okay? I am going to do me, and I will be just fine, you watch ..!

Secruity Plans and Operations

SECURITY, PLANS and OPERATIONS

… but first, a melancholy moment.

Last night, lil’ Mook had to rush from school and run thru the shower and change for a church function. She rushed getting herself together, and she stopped long enough to ask me for some pocket change …

… later that night, we were both down in our ‘cave’, poking fun at each other. I am really going to miss her, deeply. The growth in her approach to life that I know is because of my influence. She has been drilled in ‘thinking beyond the moment’ and for a teen, does so consistently. I had explained to her Mother, it is hard for me to tell her ‘no’, not because I am easy, but when someone does all of the things you could ask of them before they make their case, you risk becoming a hypocrite if you can’t find a legitimate reason to say ‘no’.

She knows that whenever she comes to me with a problem or a request, it is going to be reasoned out before we get to a conclusion. So our conversations are engaged and lively. I haven’t been able to ‘raise’ a child, and this is the closest I have come. To have been able to get her thru high school and guide her into college ( A&T..? Carolina Central ..? Virginia Union ..?), then I would claim this a ‘win’.

I went to bed with that on my mind … Mookie mentioned something about me “… mumbling in my sleep,” which my sibs used to joke me about as children. No doubt I was thinking, and luckily I didn’t mention any names! I have been doing a lot of riding on the back up bike, and I mean a lot, but today was ‘run’ day, as things have changed.

The tape I popped in, was ANCIENT. I was still a real good boxer, that is how old it is! But the song today that caught my ear, “Single” by Everything But The Girl, stuck in my mind. It captured in full, the emotions that a swirling around this house. Still not sure if Mookie is ‘sure’ that she wants this to end, and that is part of our overall problem. The ol’ husband and wife play, NO COMMUNITCATION. When the song came on, I ‘heard’ it as I ran, and given with what I was feeling along with current developments … well, here goes.

SECURITY, PLANS and OPERATIONS

I think I have been a little ‘loose’ with how I am handling things on my end. Though being here for Mother’s day is a drag, having to be convenient for someone else is bothersome. One of the things I had hoped to avoid was a ‘didi mow’ kind of dust-off from here. I have earned my stripes, and deserve to be able to gather myself to go. But that wouldn’t be an ‘official’ break-up. The friendship stuff will happen down the line. Now is the time for hard feelings, rough choices, vision obscured by the haze of heartache.

Too early to say if there really will be any contact after I go home. Because of what I know of her history and her character, I don’t expect for her to do what it would take just to talk, let alone win me back. As to that, I don’t like for people to put themselves out like that, you know? If I want to be a part of something with you, I will come with you. But it will be my decision. Mookie wouldn’t be the first person that I have told, “You’re cool and stuff, but no, I don’t want to see you again,”.

I wouldn’t want lil’ Mook to feel obligated to me, but I do aim to write her, and send her cards. I remember the previous camper, and I could see in her eyes that she missed him. I can walk that line, between her and her Mom. My mad isn’t like your mad, and the saying about ‘revenge being a dish …’ is true. It would be to my pleasure, as it is with my first wife, to be seen as the wonderful cat that you let go …

Lil’ Mook’s letter has been drafted. I will write one for Mookie sometime this weekend. From here on out, I won’t be too concerned with anything other than my objective, which is to get out of here. Period. That my Dad is looking at Wednesday as the day he comes and gets me. That actually works out fine, as my bike is in the shop, and hopefully will be done by then. I do have a ‘dust-off’ scenario, but I am not looking forward to that.

I will be ‘dark’ for the next few days, as I have made up my mind. I am going to leave without nagging regrets, the kind that make you look back. Healing will begin as soon I as I shut the door for the last time, and that step will be the first of my next journey.

tomorrow's entry

Progress Report

Had hoped that I could get some stuff done by mail ... could have sped things along, but no such luck.  Dag!  Today, I took another step towards my leaving, picking up my file from my attorney for my disability case.

This is where I utilize, 'selective denial'.  See, I already KNOW what is wrong with me, and my good sense tells me what I can and can't do.  What I would NEED to know is what I NEED to know.

See, like the cat that was on 'The Today Show' yesterday, and every so often in the news (prolly under most folks radar ... after all, brain trauma is something that I am interested in) there is stories about advances in that area that they did not know before.  Since there is still a lot they don't know, and it seems like there are people getting back to super high levels of their abilities, why should I read a report that says what I can't do?

That cat somehow came back from being dead.  And he is up walking around.  There are all kinds of these marvels happening all over the world ... why can't I believe that I am one of them?

So I don't even think of it as 'denial' as it is finding a way to make a way through life.

Another Rebuff ... but it is cool

Mookie seemed willing earlier ... but when she came to bed, she went dead ... so I am down here, trying to fall asleep ... sorta sleepy ... sorta over it ... sorta don't want to go to Easter dinner ... but that was before this development ... so we will see ...

Interesting

Mookie made breakfast today.  She made pancakes, putting chocolate chips in mine.  This confirms what I have been picking up from her, that she is somewhat aware that I am unhappy.  But it is far too little and way too late.  I am not going to help her out in this ...

This is something that is going to be all for me.  I think that not only am I going to 'only' give her $100, I am still going to go visit Ron the week after next ... and I will be sure to call, to check in ... don't want to worry her at this point.