IF YOU DON'T CARE, WHY SHOULD I?
"Who was there at the world's beginning?", asks the narration in a comic book about someone who goes off to embrace his destiny in spite of his personal weaknesses.
I like that because it says to me that no one was there but you at the beginning of whatever it is you complain, moan, blame, and it implies that no one but you will be able to get you out of it. Same thing with the cadence, 'Ain't no use in looking down ... there's no discharge on the ground...' Where you are is where you are at, and for real, unless you can get away from it, nothing really matters.
Whether it is something someone is having happen to them 'again', or it makes them wonder when it is going to be 'my turn', I hate when they direct that towards me. Because I wasn't there when they gave all of themselves to all of whatever they chose to, but since like everyone else, they made a choice. Sure those choices were connected to other choices, but even as they wound their way along, the fact remains that there was a choice to be made. What that choice was, no matter what, is what they have to own.
The entire thinking is so selfish that I locks up my mind. How selfish must a person be, to think that their pain and their agony is so ultra terrible and unique that for them to find themselves again 'sacrificing' for the sake of some unknown and amorphous reason as a relationship, is arrogance.
So, WHEN is it going to be 'my turn'? When WILL it stop 'happening to them'? I DON'T FREAKING KNOW!!
That is why if you haven't walked in someone's shoes, you should watch what you say. You aren't the only one who has had to let go of hopes and dreams, or have what you wanted snatched away from your hands. Then to be surrounded by all the 'what ifs' and reminded of all that you lost and gave up for... what?
For this??
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
My Plan to remake myself and focus on the building of the rest of my life, and finding my new normal.
REALLY ..?
So this is another situation where I find myself hanging out with a person who is wondering, 'when its going to be my turn' and not believing that 'they have did this again'.
What 'the Nebraska Concept' was for me, was the opportunity to be free of the nagging and lingering issues concerning relationships. Who doesn't feel that they have loved and loved, without that love being returned? How many people are wondering if it is ever going to happen for them, love that is fulfilling and abiding?
I told the SFC's friend that we are both 'the same kind of stupid'. While it was tongue in cheek, it was accurate. Here we sit in an ambigious relationship where neither of us are feeling fulfilled. Our conversation is stilted because we aren't putting a lot of ourselves into what we are saying. Were someone to say that we are both looking for the end of this, I wouldn't argue with them.
When I hear someone say those 'magic words' that indicate they have made yet another mistake that they have made before with me, that is when things are coming to a close. You can come back from a lot of things, but not the conclusion that you have messed up again. How can you? Isn't that when the towel is being thrown in, or if not, in hand at the ready to be tossed?
My Plan to remake myself and focus on the building of the rest of my life, and finding my new normal.
I thought long about the subhead for this journal. I wanted to make this part of my life's journey about me finding my way and pursuing my happiness. This has been a detour. Not an 'unfortunate' one, but a detour nonetheless. Virginia isn't where I am supposed to be. After all, I did have the dream of Skye, KT, and Lexxie with me at the Nebraska State fair. That seemed real, where being here seems like something else.
For such a selfish bastard, I am more self-less that I give myself credit for. No one has even come remotely close to giving up the things that are dearest to them for me. So I can't let myself feel as though there is anything more for me to give. I better do for me, because no one else can be counted on to do it!
So this is another situation where I find myself hanging out with a person who is wondering, 'when its going to be my turn' and not believing that 'they have did this again'.
What 'the Nebraska Concept' was for me, was the opportunity to be free of the nagging and lingering issues concerning relationships. Who doesn't feel that they have loved and loved, without that love being returned? How many people are wondering if it is ever going to happen for them, love that is fulfilling and abiding?
I told the SFC's friend that we are both 'the same kind of stupid'. While it was tongue in cheek, it was accurate. Here we sit in an ambigious relationship where neither of us are feeling fulfilled. Our conversation is stilted because we aren't putting a lot of ourselves into what we are saying. Were someone to say that we are both looking for the end of this, I wouldn't argue with them.
When I hear someone say those 'magic words' that indicate they have made yet another mistake that they have made before with me, that is when things are coming to a close. You can come back from a lot of things, but not the conclusion that you have messed up again. How can you? Isn't that when the towel is being thrown in, or if not, in hand at the ready to be tossed?
My Plan to remake myself and focus on the building of the rest of my life, and finding my new normal.
I thought long about the subhead for this journal. I wanted to make this part of my life's journey about me finding my way and pursuing my happiness. This has been a detour. Not an 'unfortunate' one, but a detour nonetheless. Virginia isn't where I am supposed to be. After all, I did have the dream of Skye, KT, and Lexxie with me at the Nebraska State fair. That seemed real, where being here seems like something else.
For such a selfish bastard, I am more self-less that I give myself credit for. No one has even come remotely close to giving up the things that are dearest to them for me. So I can't let myself feel as though there is anything more for me to give. I better do for me, because no one else can be counted on to do it!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
VETERAN'S DAY
There are so many things that Veteran's Day has meant to me for the last 20 years that I don't think I can put them all into words.
Growing up, there was a lot of talk about why would a brother want to join a 'white man's Army' and all that. The draft had been stopped, Vietnam was not too long ended, and the carefree disco 70's were in full swing.
There was a lot of negative things said in the hood about being in the service, but for me it was always a real option. A cousin had a good experience when he was in the service, seeing a little bit of Vietnam and getting out and making something of his G.I. Bill. Then the series 'The World At War' and the huge Time-Life books about WW II made me think about how cool it would be go out and fight the Japs in the Pacific, hopping island to island.
My childhood summer's were spent in the jungles of the South Pacific, or liberating the surviving soldier of the marches to Bataan... even now those hot summer days that I find myself outside traveling long distances to nowhere recall those mental images. I have never let go of those memories.
When Page spoke to me her senior year, she asked me about what she wanted to do. She was Navy ROTC and wasn't trying to go straight to college. It wasn't that she didn't have the grades or the ability... but then, what do you call it when someone has the talent to do something but doesn't want to pursue something that many would say should be an obvious direction for them to take with the next step in their life?
I don't know what other advice she was getting about her future, but I remembered how crappy it was for me my junior and senior years. No one sat me down and spoke to me about anything. Wait, Ron and I had discussion about a future, but it was still one of me making up my own mind, rather than having things suggested and discussed. My Mom was in a 'different place' as far as I was concerned and my sister Sherita was the one that her and my Aunt Doris, who lived with us, were focused on.
So I sat down with Page, and we started getting material on the military. I explained the different missions of each branch of service and told her what I thought of each one based on my experience. She went Air Force along with a buddy of hers, who was a little drifty as well. I think it did the both of them a lot of good, giving them exactly what I thought it would, a fighting chance at making a good life.
I hope Page can get her 25 years in ... she will be a young woman still, early 40's, my age now or thereabouts. You do the math.
From watching the interview with Bob Knight, Mike Krzyzewski, and Bill Parcells, I began to feel a remorse for my Military Career. When I was in high school, the service was a 'top five' option, which is why I joined ROTC. It wasn't that I was squared away or anything like that. I was still a kid and was being a hormonally challenged teenager that knew just enough to keep the Army in mind for a career.
Though I had found the socialization part of high school such a challenge that it would affect my academics, turn in me into a underachieving student, I did still have the Army. Considering how my home life was, chaotic because I was rudderless, the Army shot up the charts. Because no matter what, I knew that I had to get out of Detroit.
At the time, had my Mom and Aunt really talked to me about college, I would have listened. But falling to a 'C' grade point average and other troubles like getting kicked out of Renaissance High at the end of my junior year, did not give them hope for me. I wonder why that was ... though I have an idea it was part of the insidiousness that infects the 'Black Matriarchal Complex' that did it. But I certainly aggravated things. Cutting classes and getting caught doing the 'ol' In and Out', while not signs of delinquency, didn't put me in a favorable light.
In the end, I was glad that I decided to take charge and make something happen in my life.
Myself, I had intended to go Air Force. But the Army recruiters were in the front of the office and once they got a hold of me, that was that!! I blew out the ASVAB test, and told them to put me in a job that I did not have to get dirty in!! At first I was in Fianance (ooh, how ironic!!), but when I pushed back my date (I don't remember why that happened or what I was thinking sooo ...) I ended up changing my MOS and that is how I became a 71 Lima.
I think that things shook out the way that they should have. I went to Korea and was having a great time. And this is where 'everything changes' ...
I am having a harder time than I thought dealing with seeing 'my military career' that I did not get to have or live. Another thing about the Sportscenter at West Point, was Sage Steele talking about her father who was a cadet and the first black man to letter at Army. It said so much about where SHE came from, and how she spoke about her father, 'The Colonel', it made my heart skip a beat.
Let's be honest. I would have never gotten married had I been able to stay in the service. Would have never met my ex Wife and would have kept on career tracking while I was in the Army. May have earned a campaign ribbon ... a couple of tabs ... a degree as well, who knows?
What I do know is that I never got to live the life I had wanted to live. That is a fact. Could have boxed forever ... Ray Mercer made it to the Olympic Team and the cat who I used to follow in the agate fight results in Ring Magazine, Carlos Elliot, a Marine station in Japan did get a title shot.
Every single day, a variation of these thoughts run through my mind. Everyday.
So being here in a place that I don't care for, surrounded by the life that was within reach as I try to deal with holding back the bitterness of disappointment, is difficult.
I am going to get up and find something to do, in spite of not wanting to do anything. Once again, I am going to try to live a life at someone's pace.
Do I really want to try this again?
There are so many things that Veteran's Day has meant to me for the last 20 years that I don't think I can put them all into words.
Growing up, there was a lot of talk about why would a brother want to join a 'white man's Army' and all that. The draft had been stopped, Vietnam was not too long ended, and the carefree disco 70's were in full swing.
There was a lot of negative things said in the hood about being in the service, but for me it was always a real option. A cousin had a good experience when he was in the service, seeing a little bit of Vietnam and getting out and making something of his G.I. Bill. Then the series 'The World At War' and the huge Time-Life books about WW II made me think about how cool it would be go out and fight the Japs in the Pacific, hopping island to island.
My childhood summer's were spent in the jungles of the South Pacific, or liberating the surviving soldier of the marches to Bataan... even now those hot summer days that I find myself outside traveling long distances to nowhere recall those mental images. I have never let go of those memories.
When Page spoke to me her senior year, she asked me about what she wanted to do. She was Navy ROTC and wasn't trying to go straight to college. It wasn't that she didn't have the grades or the ability... but then, what do you call it when someone has the talent to do something but doesn't want to pursue something that many would say should be an obvious direction for them to take with the next step in their life?
I don't know what other advice she was getting about her future, but I remembered how crappy it was for me my junior and senior years. No one sat me down and spoke to me about anything. Wait, Ron and I had discussion about a future, but it was still one of me making up my own mind, rather than having things suggested and discussed. My Mom was in a 'different place' as far as I was concerned and my sister Sherita was the one that her and my Aunt Doris, who lived with us, were focused on.
So I sat down with Page, and we started getting material on the military. I explained the different missions of each branch of service and told her what I thought of each one based on my experience. She went Air Force along with a buddy of hers, who was a little drifty as well. I think it did the both of them a lot of good, giving them exactly what I thought it would, a fighting chance at making a good life.
I hope Page can get her 25 years in ... she will be a young woman still, early 40's, my age now or thereabouts. You do the math.
From watching the interview with Bob Knight, Mike Krzyzewski, and Bill Parcells, I began to feel a remorse for my Military Career. When I was in high school, the service was a 'top five' option, which is why I joined ROTC. It wasn't that I was squared away or anything like that. I was still a kid and was being a hormonally challenged teenager that knew just enough to keep the Army in mind for a career.
Though I had found the socialization part of high school such a challenge that it would affect my academics, turn in me into a underachieving student, I did still have the Army. Considering how my home life was, chaotic because I was rudderless, the Army shot up the charts. Because no matter what, I knew that I had to get out of Detroit.
At the time, had my Mom and Aunt really talked to me about college, I would have listened. But falling to a 'C' grade point average and other troubles like getting kicked out of Renaissance High at the end of my junior year, did not give them hope for me. I wonder why that was ... though I have an idea it was part of the insidiousness that infects the 'Black Matriarchal Complex' that did it. But I certainly aggravated things. Cutting classes and getting caught doing the 'ol' In and Out', while not signs of delinquency, didn't put me in a favorable light.
In the end, I was glad that I decided to take charge and make something happen in my life.
Myself, I had intended to go Air Force. But the Army recruiters were in the front of the office and once they got a hold of me, that was that!! I blew out the ASVAB test, and told them to put me in a job that I did not have to get dirty in!! At first I was in Fianance (ooh, how ironic!!), but when I pushed back my date (I don't remember why that happened or what I was thinking sooo ...) I ended up changing my MOS and that is how I became a 71 Lima.
I think that things shook out the way that they should have. I went to Korea and was having a great time. And this is where 'everything changes' ...
I am having a harder time than I thought dealing with seeing 'my military career' that I did not get to have or live. Another thing about the Sportscenter at West Point, was Sage Steele talking about her father who was a cadet and the first black man to letter at Army. It said so much about where SHE came from, and how she spoke about her father, 'The Colonel', it made my heart skip a beat.
Let's be honest. I would have never gotten married had I been able to stay in the service. Would have never met my ex Wife and would have kept on career tracking while I was in the Army. May have earned a campaign ribbon ... a couple of tabs ... a degree as well, who knows?
What I do know is that I never got to live the life I had wanted to live. That is a fact. Could have boxed forever ... Ray Mercer made it to the Olympic Team and the cat who I used to follow in the agate fight results in Ring Magazine, Carlos Elliot, a Marine station in Japan did get a title shot.
Every single day, a variation of these thoughts run through my mind. Everyday.
So being here in a place that I don't care for, surrounded by the life that was within reach as I try to deal with holding back the bitterness of disappointment, is difficult.
I am going to get up and find something to do, in spite of not wanting to do anything. Once again, I am going to try to live a life at someone's pace.
Do I really want to try this again?
Thursday, November 5, 2009
WHAT IS GOING ON?
ESPN SPECIAL FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS FOR VETERANS DAY, 2009
Watching the Marines fight before the pro boxers got into the ring, made me long for what never was. I told the SFC that I was over it ... but how can I be over it, the ending of my career before it ever really had a chance? My unilateral sacrifice for what..?
I wish that I could not remember that night ... but I can, at least the essentials. One of the rare times I was out on the town, in the NCO club at Camp Henry playing slots and eating French Fries with mayonaisse. Man, I was such a kid! The decision to call the CQ desk was due to my roomie Thompson being on the desk.
When I got him, he told me that the SFC had been beat up ... I got angry. She was my friend and I could not imagine anyone doing that to her. Rushing to catch a cab and back to the barracks, and immediately got in the middle of the after effects. I can remember her little 'yobo', a too old and too immature homeboy from Detroit, going back and forth like a little lap dog.
Finding out who caused the ruckus was my next goal and the homey was running around getting on my nerves. Small as well as short, he couldn't exact anything from anyone other than change. Why did I let him tag along with me, I will never know. As soon as I thought about finding the cat ... he invited himself.
The cat was from the area finance unit. We struck out looking for him at the two NCO clubs and in the 'Villes' on both sides of town. Finally got a lead that he was up in his barracks trying to sleep off his hanging out.
Who knows how late it was ... 3 o'clock sounds good enough. I let the small homey come and when he picked up a two by four, I should have stopped and dismissed him. Hell, after we didn't find the cat on the streets as it was, we BOTH should have slept it off and let the MP's handle things.
Vigilante justice indeed ... homey and the SFC were 'bunk buddies', so he should have went on this kind of mission solo. But I loved her much as I could love anyone that I wasn't trying to actually BE in love with. My best friend ... calling her that was an understatement. She was my ONLY friend.
My conscious was 'on' and I knew what I was risking as we walked around Taegu, looking for the Finance cat. Why didn't I dismiss the homey ..? Let him handle what should have been his business? I will never know ...
You could say it was to prepare the both of us for 'now'. And I feel like I am following her along again, as uncertain as ever. She got a chance to make her life work. I know that she had her ups and downs, but when I think about what I gave up at eighteen and what I never had a chance to have ...
... like fighting in front of a bunch of guys in my unit, against someone from another unit or post or even branch of service. A townie or in a tournament. The chance to struggle to make the grade and gain rank. I still wonder if I would have gone on to Fort Dix and went in the enlisted to officer program?
I know that I had intentions on trying to do my 20 years in the service. In fact, still thought about trying to get back in many, many times. But I was so hurt by letting that gift opportunity go that I never tried to see what could have been done on my behalf. After leaving Mookie, I had hoped to finally get a chance to see what I was really capable of, and live for me.
Yet here I am in someone else's house and trying to be a part of somone elses world. Sure, I love the SFC and she is truly a special person in my heart. But I did give her my life once before... and I don't feel beholden to give it to her again.
Did I think about her in the interim ..? How could I not?? All this time ... the last 20 plus years as I have stumbled around looking for my special place, thinking about how if I had went on and taken classes at the USC affiliate, maybe I would have been doing something for myself and not out that night being random ...
... between that and my crappy marriage, I never thought that was fair what I experienced. But what could I do? I have tried as best as I can to 'get over it', but being here sometimes is a constant reminder of what never was for me ... and what I am still hoping for.
Watching the Marines fight before the pro boxers got into the ring, made me long for what never was. I told the SFC that I was over it ... but how can I be over it, the ending of my career before it ever really had a chance? My unilateral sacrifice for what..?
I wish that I could not remember that night ... but I can, at least the essentials. One of the rare times I was out on the town, in the NCO club at Camp Henry playing slots and eating French Fries with mayonaisse. Man, I was such a kid! The decision to call the CQ desk was due to my roomie Thompson being on the desk.
When I got him, he told me that the SFC had been beat up ... I got angry. She was my friend and I could not imagine anyone doing that to her. Rushing to catch a cab and back to the barracks, and immediately got in the middle of the after effects. I can remember her little 'yobo', a too old and too immature homeboy from Detroit, going back and forth like a little lap dog.
Finding out who caused the ruckus was my next goal and the homey was running around getting on my nerves. Small as well as short, he couldn't exact anything from anyone other than change. Why did I let him tag along with me, I will never know. As soon as I thought about finding the cat ... he invited himself.
The cat was from the area finance unit. We struck out looking for him at the two NCO clubs and in the 'Villes' on both sides of town. Finally got a lead that he was up in his barracks trying to sleep off his hanging out.
Who knows how late it was ... 3 o'clock sounds good enough. I let the small homey come and when he picked up a two by four, I should have stopped and dismissed him. Hell, after we didn't find the cat on the streets as it was, we BOTH should have slept it off and let the MP's handle things.
Vigilante justice indeed ... homey and the SFC were 'bunk buddies', so he should have went on this kind of mission solo. But I loved her much as I could love anyone that I wasn't trying to actually BE in love with. My best friend ... calling her that was an understatement. She was my ONLY friend.
My conscious was 'on' and I knew what I was risking as we walked around Taegu, looking for the Finance cat. Why didn't I dismiss the homey ..? Let him handle what should have been his business? I will never know ...
You could say it was to prepare the both of us for 'now'. And I feel like I am following her along again, as uncertain as ever. She got a chance to make her life work. I know that she had her ups and downs, but when I think about what I gave up at eighteen and what I never had a chance to have ...
... like fighting in front of a bunch of guys in my unit, against someone from another unit or post or even branch of service. A townie or in a tournament. The chance to struggle to make the grade and gain rank. I still wonder if I would have gone on to Fort Dix and went in the enlisted to officer program?
I know that I had intentions on trying to do my 20 years in the service. In fact, still thought about trying to get back in many, many times. But I was so hurt by letting that gift opportunity go that I never tried to see what could have been done on my behalf. After leaving Mookie, I had hoped to finally get a chance to see what I was really capable of, and live for me.
Yet here I am in someone else's house and trying to be a part of somone elses world. Sure, I love the SFC and she is truly a special person in my heart. But I did give her my life once before... and I don't feel beholden to give it to her again.
Did I think about her in the interim ..? How could I not?? All this time ... the last 20 plus years as I have stumbled around looking for my special place, thinking about how if I had went on and taken classes at the USC affiliate, maybe I would have been doing something for myself and not out that night being random ...
... between that and my crappy marriage, I never thought that was fair what I experienced. But what could I do? I have tried as best as I can to 'get over it', but being here sometimes is a constant reminder of what never was for me ... and what I am still hoping for.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Of Course, We Knew This Was Coming ...
What is notable about today is the email exchange between me and Nebraska today ...
The conversation centered around 'us', as though my being here was a stage we both had to go through before we get together make a child and ...
... and?
Yesterday I was asked to make a promise that "I would not hate, me" by the SFC. What does she know about herself that I don't??
Right now, the components are there for problems. I can see where this will lead to a major issue later. First off, is my denial about how two people say they feel about me and how I am dealing with their emotions.
Will have to keep my eyes on the ball, and do what I have to do with my SFC. The external problems, environmental problems, are things that I knew before I came here. So I have to deal with them. Period. Did I underestimate them? I think I did, but there is 'no crying in baseball'.
I don't like where I am at but I do love who I am with. That means things should work out ... and they will!!
The conversation centered around 'us', as though my being here was a stage we both had to go through before we get together make a child and ...
... and?
Yesterday I was asked to make a promise that "I would not hate, me" by the SFC. What does she know about herself that I don't??
Right now, the components are there for problems. I can see where this will lead to a major issue later. First off, is my denial about how two people say they feel about me and how I am dealing with their emotions.
Will have to keep my eyes on the ball, and do what I have to do with my SFC. The external problems, environmental problems, are things that I knew before I came here. So I have to deal with them. Period. Did I underestimate them? I think I did, but there is 'no crying in baseball'.
I don't like where I am at but I do love who I am with. That means things should work out ... and they will!!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
IN THE O'DARK HOURS OF A NEW BEGINNING
Thank you for the conversation last night. It made me feel so much better. I do love you Mark.
My step sister forwarded this today and I thought how timely to receive it. Most times, I skip over all those forwarded emails, but it was meant to be read today.
I am at peace with you leaving for Virginia. You didn't see me as the right fit for you and that is okay. It's your life and you have to do what is best for you. Someday, I will have to make that decision for me and my family.
My wish and hope for you is happiness and love. I mean that Mark. I think you are a good man and you deserve those blessings. Always remember your promiseL: If it's not for you, Omaha will be waiting. Don't take any crap. As your friend first...I'll be there for you.
Have a wonderful life Mr. Johnson. Again, I do love and sincerely care about you.
I don't know if we will ever talk again, let alone get a chance to be with one another. I hope not.
Nebraska has been a revelation the past three months. Since I got back from my first visit to Virginia in July, we have explored new areas of our relationship. But they were things that we should have been discussing months ago.
Should I have pressed her more? That was part of the purpose of NOT pressing. I wanted someone to let me know that they wanted me. I understand that I have my faults, but this is a different stage of the game. I know that I am not only capable of making a good life, but I am a great and loving partner. I don't think of myself as the 'How Soon Is Now?' character ... I don't think I have a new 'theme song' for my life.
I think that I am finally going to get a chance to just 'live'.
This is what I wanted ... someone who knew me and wanted me. Someone who was aware of my potential and was going to help me maximize myself. A person who could understand that what they did for me, they would get back in many ways. And I already know that is what the SFC is all about.
I can remember wondering what she saw in the cat she hung with where we were stationed together... wondering why she and I didn't ever get that 'close' since we were already right next to one another. I mean, the one thing was I like full figured women, is most obvious!
But I also did think that I should not bother someone who I worked with. The one time that I did, messing with SD near the end of my run working, was a tension filled relationship. If anything, it proved the rule.
For real, I am getting a chance to be with my best friend and lover. I can't imagine a better circumstance for me to be in. The SFC fills my heart and with things being this close ... I am ecstatic! Finally, something super good has finally happened to me, like the stories I have seen and heard about happening to other people. Now I have to make sure that it has a great run and a happy ending!!
My step sister forwarded this today and I thought how timely to receive it. Most times, I skip over all those forwarded emails, but it was meant to be read today.
I am at peace with you leaving for Virginia. You didn't see me as the right fit for you and that is okay. It's your life and you have to do what is best for you. Someday, I will have to make that decision for me and my family.
My wish and hope for you is happiness and love. I mean that Mark. I think you are a good man and you deserve those blessings. Always remember your promiseL: If it's not for you, Omaha will be waiting. Don't take any crap. As your friend first...I'll be there for you.
Have a wonderful life Mr. Johnson. Again, I do love and sincerely care about you.
I don't know if we will ever talk again, let alone get a chance to be with one another. I hope not.
Nebraska has been a revelation the past three months. Since I got back from my first visit to Virginia in July, we have explored new areas of our relationship. But they were things that we should have been discussing months ago.
Should I have pressed her more? That was part of the purpose of NOT pressing. I wanted someone to let me know that they wanted me. I understand that I have my faults, but this is a different stage of the game. I know that I am not only capable of making a good life, but I am a great and loving partner. I don't think of myself as the 'How Soon Is Now?' character ... I don't think I have a new 'theme song' for my life.
I think that I am finally going to get a chance to just 'live'.
This is what I wanted ... someone who knew me and wanted me. Someone who was aware of my potential and was going to help me maximize myself. A person who could understand that what they did for me, they would get back in many ways. And I already know that is what the SFC is all about.
I can remember wondering what she saw in the cat she hung with where we were stationed together... wondering why she and I didn't ever get that 'close' since we were already right next to one another. I mean, the one thing was I like full figured women, is most obvious!
But I also did think that I should not bother someone who I worked with. The one time that I did, messing with SD near the end of my run working, was a tension filled relationship. If anything, it proved the rule.
For real, I am getting a chance to be with my best friend and lover. I can't imagine a better circumstance for me to be in. The SFC fills my heart and with things being this close ... I am ecstatic! Finally, something super good has finally happened to me, like the stories I have seen and heard about happening to other people. Now I have to make sure that it has a great run and a happy ending!!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
A-B-C
ALWAYS ...
Since the middle of June, I Nebraska and I have been talking, exchanging emails and conversating via IM, like we should have been long ago. Not that we didn't, but that when we would, she would shut things down. It wasn't until after the SFC came into my life, that she really saw that she was taking me for granted.
The switch from my original concept to this 'fly on the seat of your pants', was sudden. But like the SFC says ... 'You know how we do.'
Throughout my life, I have had a difficult time explaining myself. With Nebraska, it was no different. As we have continued to deepen our relationship, I did not waver from my assertion that I was going to go east. I did not lead her to believe other wise
BE...
Was tonight our last conversation? Only the heavens would know. What I do know is that I kept my profile and did not shake. Hearing her say, " I guess once you have made up you mind, you aren't going to change it", let me know what I needed to know. As much as we did share, I didn't let weakness win out.
My heart is aching though. Hearing her explain herself, I did not know that she felt the way that she did, remembering how seven years ago how I offered to move to be with her. What I did not know was her complete situation. And it was that 'keeping it to herself' that was part of this happening. She couldn't let me know what was what on her end. Had I known what I know NOW, then, I would have done differently.
Listening to her emotionally charged voice... hearing her CRY ... dag! I thought I was past all that!! I crappy as I felt, I stayed myself. I told her how this has been an 8-year project of mine, and I had thought about how I was going to implement a new way of thinking in my life. I was tired of living a messed up life, and wanted to live instead the life I did want to live.
Still, I only find solace in that I did not try to fake her out. In other words, 'be' is BEING. I countinued to be me, and not weaken and become the pu**y that I have been before in my life.
CLOSING
Which meant I always remained heading in the new direction I was choosing. No, she couldn't do what I am doing. But she NEVER could have. I don't mean that in an angry fashion, but that is what makes me the person I am. I do stuff differently than she does. And I do stuff differently than she does. That what make HER the person she is.
I won't ever be able to forget her. I clung to her for years, without her knowing it.
And she was my line back to land. What happened is what happened between us. Can't say anything other than that.
As far as me doing what is best for me, I still will keep Omaha as a back up. I will continue to fund and save money for an emergency. No, I won't tell the SFC, and why should I? When it comes to her, 'I gave at the office'. Simple as that.
Besides, we should never have to come to that. I trust her like I always did when we were kids. That still hasn't changed, and I don't expect it to, either!
Since the middle of June, I Nebraska and I have been talking, exchanging emails and conversating via IM, like we should have been long ago. Not that we didn't, but that when we would, she would shut things down. It wasn't until after the SFC came into my life, that she really saw that she was taking me for granted.
The switch from my original concept to this 'fly on the seat of your pants', was sudden. But like the SFC says ... 'You know how we do.'
Throughout my life, I have had a difficult time explaining myself. With Nebraska, it was no different. As we have continued to deepen our relationship, I did not waver from my assertion that I was going to go east. I did not lead her to believe other wise
BE...
Was tonight our last conversation? Only the heavens would know. What I do know is that I kept my profile and did not shake. Hearing her say, " I guess once you have made up you mind, you aren't going to change it", let me know what I needed to know. As much as we did share, I didn't let weakness win out.
My heart is aching though. Hearing her explain herself, I did not know that she felt the way that she did, remembering how seven years ago how I offered to move to be with her. What I did not know was her complete situation. And it was that 'keeping it to herself' that was part of this happening. She couldn't let me know what was what on her end. Had I known what I know NOW, then, I would have done differently.
Listening to her emotionally charged voice... hearing her CRY ... dag! I thought I was past all that!! I crappy as I felt, I stayed myself. I told her how this has been an 8-year project of mine, and I had thought about how I was going to implement a new way of thinking in my life. I was tired of living a messed up life, and wanted to live instead the life I did want to live.
Still, I only find solace in that I did not try to fake her out. In other words, 'be' is BEING. I countinued to be me, and not weaken and become the pu**y that I have been before in my life.
CLOSING
Which meant I always remained heading in the new direction I was choosing. No, she couldn't do what I am doing. But she NEVER could have. I don't mean that in an angry fashion, but that is what makes me the person I am. I do stuff differently than she does. And I do stuff differently than she does. That what make HER the person she is.
I won't ever be able to forget her. I clung to her for years, without her knowing it.
And she was my line back to land. What happened is what happened between us. Can't say anything other than that.
As far as me doing what is best for me, I still will keep Omaha as a back up. I will continue to fund and save money for an emergency. No, I won't tell the SFC, and why should I? When it comes to her, 'I gave at the office'. Simple as that.
Besides, we should never have to come to that. I trust her like I always did when we were kids. That still hasn't changed, and I don't expect it to, either!
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