THE STOLEN THOUGHTS AND MEMORIES OF THE STAR THIEF

At the end of things the SFC would make the occasional slip regarding 'us'. It was as if she saw a glimpse of a future where we are together. What I know is that I never took the bait. I wanted to leave because fail or no, I wanted to go out and be to myself. I have to live with the frustration of being outstripped by my baby sisters... no shame in that but they have achieved a measure of peace and stability in their lives that should have been a matter of course in mind. That their path to where they are now is so similar to the routes that I set myself upon makes my fall more aggravating.

One of the things that I expect to happen when I am in Nebraska is the resentment to ebb and the envy to subside. I will be where I want to be and with the person that I want to be with, finally.

As I made the transition to Detroit, I took the risky step of sending my belongings ahead of me. This was not unlike a 'commitment cut' that a cosmetologist makes when styling a clients hair. Might as well go thru with it now, because it is a little late to have second thougthts. At the very least I will have to go west and get as much as I can... and that would cause for another great expenditure of capital, money that I don't have.

What gets at me is the money that the SFC spent to bring and keep me in Va., then the money she came up with to send me home. The bags cost more than the actual flight... and adds to my guilt. Which I did not need to grow.

Like I said at the end, I thought she would want to hold me back. I put a comment out there to gauge her reaction... and I could hear the feeling in her voice when she replied. I made sure to avoid that 'what if' conversation with her the last two weeks of my stay.

Not that we didn't ask ourselves and each other about out relationship. We kept coming back, or should I say she kept coming back, to my uncomfortable state in Virginia. I know I was a lump. Could I have tried harder?? Maybe. But I do think the traits that made us great friends hindered us as lovers. I had warned her that I expect to have the kind of relationship with her that we had in Korea. I don't think she understood what I meant by that.

She has a certain 'je ne sais quois' that if I had it, I let it go quite some time ago. But I never worried about it and took pleasure in my ability to plug away and to get through to what I call 'the other side' of things. Figuring that repetitive achievement would eventually become part of my 'quois' (or Quan... we will go with that from her on out).

But it never did. The irony of her oldest boy being able to walk away from an incident that was close to our incident without disaster befalling him was a bit too much irony for me to take. What I wanted more than anything is to have been able to go back in time and stop that foolish young boy that I was twenty odd years ago and tell him not to make that call. And if he still made the call, to not let the little gremlin to accompany him... and since I can't there isn't any other 'what if' to ponder. I know that I didn't.

That is that.

I would always wonder and yearn for the life that I could have had on my own out in Nebraska. That Nebraska is looking forward to my company is the icing on the cake. Though I think that is yet another favourable sign, the most telling thing in my favour is my determination to hold on to my dream.

Though I don't think that I have done anything to require the asking of forgiveness, it still won't hurt. I will get down and ask for benefice, forgiveness and blessings as I move ahead with my life.

NEARING THE CROSSROADS

I like the imagery behind the title of the Explosions In The Sky song, 'The Birth And Death Of The Day'. When I decided to use it as post label for entries that related to my experience with moving to Virginia, it was because it captured the hopes and disappointment of daring to take risks. It embodies the recklessness of pushing the envelope of things, no matter how measured the risks were.



The reasons for not to have come here are legion. One of the more sinsister reasons can be framed in the words, 'the story that we tell ourselves'. Because there are different points of views, truth is generally subjective in the realm of relationships. But I take umbrage at some of what the SFC has said about our relationship.



One is the idea that this was one of her whims of being a heroine, coming to the rescue. That is the most troubling because I remember as we reconnected, stressing to her how I felt about the direction of my life and that I did not need saving.

It hurts for me to think that after she floated the idea of us being a couple, that she saw herself as 'rescuing me'. My approach to relationships has not been altered and remains in force. She continues to remind me of the incident where my money was stolen from me... and that occured AFTER she and I talked about getting together. I remember telling her that I was fine and going in the direction of my heart.

For her to tell herself that... as if she was doing me a favour... well!

I have accepted that the consequence of our paths crossing before was my responsibility alone. But this, I won't ever take blame for. She should have left me alone.

Still Trying To Keep Things Straight

KEEPING TRACK...

The point of my telling the SFC that I was headed for Nebraska was that if she was intent on making a relationship with me, I would consider moving to Virginia. One of the first issues came up when we both realized that we were a bit hasty in deciding to be in a relationship. We are good friends but the opportunity for us to be a couple never exisisted. One of the reason she was my friend was that she WAS a friend for me. Won't say TO ME, because I don't know what would constitute reciprocation.

Once someone says stuff like 'I did it again' or whatever it was that she said, it chaps me. What the hell does that mean?? Why did I HAVE to be her repeat offense or whatever it was that caused her to feel that way??

Especially when I had made my plans and was specific in why they were my plans. For me to have 'done this again', it will forever eat away at me.

Another things is the idea that she was somehow 'saving me' from my Dad's house. Things weren't that bad, my nephew taking my money nonwithstanding. I didn't mind living there and was not long for Detroit anyway. I had personal business that I needed to be in Detroit to handle and that was going accordingly. Being here in Va. complicates EVERYTHING. I have to find money to pay for a trip there, get more stuff started, come back here and THEN get set to go west. There will STILL be more stuff to bring me back to Detroit... UGH!

The irony of the mess that her oldest son got into at school... and the uncharacteristic decisions and goings on in his life reminds me of my trials. Difference was that I was younger and half a world away from my Mother. I am sure that she would have tried to help me and I would have asked for it as well. But what could she do and what could I have done...

... other than looked out for myself and not given a darn about what went down that night.

Now my memories are shadows on some things, but I remember everything about that night... where I gave up my hopes and dreams for nothing. This is not saying that our friendship is 'nothing', but it didn't fix anything and only hurt me. If I could have only not called the barracks and simply came back and went to bed...

I never thought anyone owed me for that but I do think she owes me now. I would NOT be here had she not wanted me to come. And if I didn't believe that there was some 'magic' that had brought us together. There was no magic in our meeting in Korea. Unless you want to believe that it was an obstacle for me to overcome... and I do.

Maybe THAT was the lesson she was to provide me again... to see how determined and focused I was to finally live for me. I want to go to Nebraska because that is where I WANT TO BE. That Nebraska(the person) cares about me is the icing on the cake.

Don't care what story the SFC tells herself or will have to tell herself when I leave. But leave I will do and go out and live my life. Finally.
_____________________________________________________________

Going to the game with the SFC's friend and her husband was interesting. He is a younger man, 24 I think and she is 30. They both served in the Army and got out. I am guessing that he is working and finishing school. She works as well somewhere in the Industrial Complex, much like the SFC and so unlike me.

The discussion they were having I thought was emasculating. Maybe it was the mood or it was the liquor, but She was very insistent about his lack of input on her housing situation. And while it was understood that He may not have initially had a 'pig in the poke', her tack made it seem like she completely discounted his rather valid and understandable opinion.

That She felt obliged to ream him in front of mixed company was quite disturbing. I thought about anything that he may want in their relationship... children, where to live, how much for a house... and I wondered how their opinions would be weighted in their relationship.

I also wondered how the SFC and I would get along. I don't want to go to New Jersey, but I would not mind too much. I already knew that going in to this thing and figured that I was willing to deal, but...

...there is no need to make up something that shouldn't be happening. I do think that my girl is telling herself what she needs to in order for her to feel comfortable. I don't have a need to try to take that away from her. As long as I KNOW what is what, I will be fine.

While I am bothered by her 'script editing', from her 'doing it again, whatever' comment, to her thinking that she was doing me a favor by bringing me here, and now with her saying that she wouldn't have moved if it weren't for me... like I said, I don't want to argue anything. I only want to be where I want to be.

TRYING TO GET IT RIGHT...

And in keeping track of things...

The point of my telling the SFC that I was headed for Nebraska was that if she was intent on making a relationship with me, I would consider moving to Virginia. One of the first issues came up when we both realized that we were a bit hasty in deciding to be in a relationship. We are good friends but the opportunity for us to be a couple never exisisted. One of the reason she was my friend was that she WAS a friend for me. Won't say TO ME, because I don't know what would constitute reciprocation.

Once someone says stuff like 'I did it again' or whatever it was that she said, it chaps me. What the hell does that mean?? Why did I HAVE to be her repeat offense or whatever it was that caused her to feel that way??

Especially when I had made my plans and was specific in why they were my plans. For me to have 'done this again', it will forever eat away at me.

Another things is the idea that she was somehow 'saving me' from my Dad's house. Things weren't that bad, my nephew taking my money nonwithstanding. I didn't mind living there and was not long for Detroit anyway. I had personal business that I needed to be in Detroit to handle and that was going accordingly. Being here in Va. complicates EVERYTHING. I have to find money to pay for a trip there, get more stuff started, come back here and THEN get set to go west. There will STILL be more stuff to bring me back to Detroit... UGH!

The irony of the mess that her oldest son got into at school... and the uncharacteristic decisions and goings on in his life reminds me of my trials. Difference was that I was younger and half a world away from my Mother. I am sure that she would have tried to help me and I would have asked for it as well. But what could she do and what could I have done...

... other than looked out for myself and not given a darn about what went down that night.

Now my memories are shadows on some things, but I remember everything about that night... where I gave up my hopes and dreams for nothing. This is not saying that our friendship is 'nothing', but it didn't fix anything and only hurt me. If I could have only not called the barracks and simply came back and went to bed...

I never thought anyone owed me for that but I do think she owes me now. I would NOT be here had she not wanted me to come. And if I didn't believe that there was some 'magic' that had brought us together. There was no magic in our meeting in Korea. Unless you want to believe that it was an obstacle for me to overcome... and I do.

Maybe THAT was the lesson she was to provide me again... to see how determined and focused I was to finally live for me. I want to go to Nebraska because that is where I WANT TO BE. That Nebraska(the person) cares about me is the icing on the cake.

Don't care what story the SFC tells herself or will have to tell herself when I leave. But leave I will do and go out and live my life. Finally.

I felt ambivalent with her paying for my medical care... I may feel that she owes me NOW, but I don't want to have her caring for me more than necessary. But I am grateful that she did get me medical attention. Mentioning this to be 'fair and balanced'.

The SFC blew my mind on Sunday with the admission that she moved to our new place in part (and I am being generous with that!) to accommodate me! She said that were it NOT for me, she'd still be in her old place.

WTF! She could have loaned me the money she spent for her inconvenient move and let me go out west!! I wouldn't have needed as much funding to get to where I want to go and I would have paid her back!!

And how is THIS for further irony... not only did I want to wait to tie up my F.O.C. business in Detroit (which is further expense and with another previously unforseen layer to unwrap) but I also figured my late spring arrival in Omaha would keep me from getting hit with a harsh winter. Been that way for boxing matches and stationed there (c'mon... Kansas and Iowa counts as flyover land with Nebraska) so I expected that I could get hit with a hard winter.

Moving to Virginia, I have found myself literally in the storm of the century! Getting back to the SFC, I don't wonder where her rationale comes from as much as I don't care enough about it.

She also tried to open conversation about 'us' and what do we have here.

A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE

If there is anything that I 'did', it could be that I misunderstood the 'Darkhorse Concept' that I created, to account for the unseen stuff that always finds its way into my plans. It wasn't that I was supposed to yield to it, but it was something I was meant to overcome.

Looking around, all I can think of is the life that I hoped to have when I left home. I'd box and serve like Carlos Elliot. Over twenty years I have been at sea with a broken mast...

I kept seeing my sisters when I thought about what happened with her in Korea. And more irony... when I came home, my sisters stopped being 'for me'. I told Twin B (it is either call them 'A&B' or Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee!) that whatever reason they had, I was still their brother and that should have meant something.

So I loved her so much as a friend that I felt compelled to gravely damage my own life. Makes perfect sense, right?

Now this was the SECOND time that she said something 'deathless'. The other is more of an 'thought', since I can't put it with the concrete of a quote. In fact, both are more conceptual than one single 'thing'.

Whenever I get the idea that someone made the same mistake again in the love life, I take offense. If they knew that they were going off on a lark, then why are they hasslin' me? See with the SFC, I told her about my plan and it wasn't until after she heard it that...

... well, that I DID IT AGAIN. For her. Took my life and my fate and cast it away. So the idea that she has made a major change to accomodate me (like hinting that she hasn't been to see her boys since I have been in the picture) in her world, is insulting to me.

What I want to see happen when the time for me to leave arrives.

More For Probative Value Than Anything

FROM THE FIRST OF FEBRUARY, TWENTY-TEN (LEFT IN A JOURNAL SOMEWHERE AS A 'COMMENT')


The static. That is what life has become for me. And my friend Nebraska could verify my use of words like 'static' and 'noise' to describe how I feel my way through my life. Words like 'environment' and 'atmosphere' also have layered meanings as well as the word 'context'.

That is what stood out in this entry. Man, it is true... the first sentence has to set the hook for the reader.

The loneliness of habits and the resonance of the empty spaces in my soul... I was only last night explaining to my SFC that I remember the debate between me and an older cousin about the spinnings of the world.

"The world is moving at a certain speed, a terminal velocity. You will either have to move with it or be left behind. You will need help to keep up with it because no man is an island."

This he said to a teenager who was paranoid from the experience of having people trample through his soul. It created a fissure small enough to let insecurity, indecision, and all the other 'in' things from way out come into what would pass for my reality.

Hindsight says I should have effected repair to the crack. Wondering about things like the Visitors and their concerns that will linger in my mind like the decaying isotope of radioactive material was not worth the brief enternity that they spent in my life.

The friends I know... are they really friends? I don't know if I know them well enough to even call them friends. They have their own darkness, as does many of us who live on this sphere, looking and waiting for the opportunity to emerge from their mouths.

As the tendrils swirl around me, envloping me with their words and porcelain promises, I feel less connected to who I am. And if there is anything corrupted, it is the link that I have with the enternal source of everything.

I am here. You (they) are so far away.

The blind spot... from where you don't expect and did not prepare for. And all this time, I had considered myself immune to... I don't know if it is a toxin or not. Right now I tremble, filling with doubts.

"The static doesn't dwell only in you," I tell myself. That brings little comfort, and no peace or solace. And I tell this only to myself, because it isn't comiseration that I am looking for.

Developments

I think that the SFC is struggling with the new parameters to our relationship. Or maybe I am reading something that isn't really there.

We had some nasty Jamaican rum and tried to talk things out. She wanted to know what about her that was like 'fingernails on the chalkboard' for me.

Like with most everyone I have ever 'liked', I don't have a discernible trait or habit that bothers me about them. Maybe it is because I have a need to be accepted and that prompts my malleability, but since that has been 'always', don't know what doing nitpicking about people will do for me now. Anywho, I look at it as an extension of my desire to 'a yes, a no, a straight line' objective.

If there was anything for me to say, it would be a slight envy and the feeling that whenever I have tried to live my life, I allowed for it to be interrupted. That is what had me identify the 'Darkhorse component' to my life. But instead of it being the unknown change of direction for my life, I do think that it was meant to test my willingness to pursue what direction I really wanted.

Then end of next month is when I will explore with her my intentions to go out west and move to Omaha. I won't beat her over the head with it, but the next time she starts a conversation about 'us' (which is redundant, because what else do we have to talk about?) I hope to have something for her.

Which is not to say that I usually don't or that I will be making things up. She pointed out that as much as I do talk about my feelings and as well as I do express myself, I don't say much about the crux of things. She wanted to hear what gets to me about her, like the way I eat gets to her. Not big things, but pet peeves.

I don't remember situations that happened while we were stationed together, but I do remember the feeling. She inadvertently describe it, when she talk of how I roll my eyes and says, "Yes SFC," and get with the program.

My counter was that is how I remember our relationship when we were kids. This is NOT how I am with other people. Making an example of my ex wife, I told her the way that we mix as people we would always be at opposite sides of the table. Nothing particular about her. She isn't the only 'urban woman' I have dated. Tee Jay is at her level and we got along very well.

That is part of our chemistry.

The way we relate to each other is due to our chemistry. What is different now is that we are together and around each other in a way that had never been explored. As I write, I am trying to think of things that she does that bothers me... but I can't. Whatever got to me has been digested and is now part of the shared state we are in.

I guess with the problem not being about 'her', it is harder to express. How can you tell someone that you want to pursue the things that you feel you have been interrupted from chasing after? And that while she was indirectly a part of that, you never felt comfortable shouldering full responsibility, even though you know that you did it all to yourself?

That thought, that thinking gets twisted up tighter than the Gordian knot it represents in my life. One of several which I have never managed to unwind. At this stage of my life, I don't see the benefit of unraveling them either.

Everyone else has managed to move on and make something of themselves and their lives. The twins are the latest to leap frog and get to their own 'next level'. I don't want to die on this floor. I want to do something more meaningful with my life.

And really, isn't that what going west is really about? Writing that book, going to school and helping in the community? I don't want anyone to struggle to pay for my funeral and I want to leave a better legacy to my daughter than 'my Dad, yeah, he lived.'

I want them to be able to say that he was something more than an absentee father and has been boxer. I want them to say he wrote, he taught and he loved them and was loved in his community.

It makes sense to me to move where I think I will find my peace and love them from there. Host grandchildren and go to weddings from there...