... is she coming around ..?

… and how was YOUR day ..?

Mine was pretty fine, after a stumbling start. I forgot that the Mook’s were going to be home due to the MLK holiday. That kind of threw me off my square. My therapist had rescheduled our appointment for Wednesday, and it IS cold outside to be riding a bike aimlessly.

So I thought today was going to be a struggle. My and Mookie Dee did manage a decent breakie, and even had a nice Seinfeld -ian conversation. Lil’ Mook stirred, and they would dress and go out shopping. Mookie Dee is a LL Cool J fan, and they won tickets to a concert back in the Motor. Actually, her daughter did, and she ALWAYS win those call-in on the radio. She is uncanny at that! Anyway, they went out to the local mall to look for stuff. That allowed me to breath a little, because I had spent the weekend, and though it went well, I didn’t want to push my luck!

Even though I had my ‘space’, I was still feeling rather dingy. Don’t know what was the cause. Days like today, where I am of my routine, can give me a case of the ‘uncertains’. And that is not cool. So I cheated.

HOW TO CHEAT

I wandered the house looking for comfort food, for the same reason ANYONE looks for comfort food. I usually let my ride to my therapist count as my aerobic workout, and then do some light floor work. Since I wanted to eat something off the reservation, I told myself that I could, but I had to do a nice run, at least 3 miles. Yes Virginia, I know the temp out doors, but in layers, with my ear and hands covered, it takes a less than a minute to warm up. So I did a run.

Coming in, I did some floor work with my stability ball, a little stretch stuff and shadowed up for 15 minutes. Whatever mental toxins that were in me had flushed right out. I went and picked up a soda pop, pop a Marie Callendar pot pie in the oven, and showered.

The food was done and the Mook’s arrived shortly after. MD dropped the baby off, and went back out for a pizza using a credit from a screwed order. Then the movie ‘Gothika’ with Halle Berry came on … which was okay, especially for something just caught on TV, no effort to find it. What WAS surprising was that Mookie sat and watched with me. Now, I got to wonder … last week we had an actual conversation, and today she sat and watched a movie that had “Mark” all over it.

AS A PREDATOR THINKETH …

This is why I don’t mind criticism. There is a reader of my musing who thinks clearly that I am a crap guy. I am like sooo cool with that, because I don’t let the crap in me define me. I don’t WANT to be a crap guy, so I don’t mind what she says. Because as ‘sensitive and caring’ or even as ‘effeminite’ as I may seem, I am STILL a guy. And when it comes down to it, I ACT like a guy.

See, I recognize where I am in this relationship has more in common to what a female role is than the stereotypical male. Is Mookie steppin’ out? That possibility has crossed my mind more than once or even twice … I can make change for a nickel with the regularity of our rolls in the hay per month …

My ego doesn’t bruise by that kind of blow. That is more like a slap with a velvet glove. It is this twisting thing that has gotten to me. It is the dismissing of my needs and the lack of attention that trouble me more. That is unmistakable. So whether or not she is steppin’, doesn’t it all add up to the same thing for me? By her taking the time out to engage me in the kind of unique conversation that you share with a person you care about, then taking time away from what ever ‘New York’ is doing or who is rump shakin’ on BET to watch ‘Gothika’ with me …

Well, being more comfortable with the predator’s role in this particular jungle, I STILL don’t get over excited with a couple of random incidents. That is what a guy would do, to through his girl off his trail …

CONCLUSION

Not going to over think things … trying to get out of that. But it did feel good to feel like I mattered around here for once ..!

... accelerant

The conversation that I had hoped to hold until February came out last night.  I cannot believe that Mook is so short sighted.  I am really teetering on not wanting to be with her, from the stand point of getting out RIGHT NOW ...

Because it is the same thing, I won't go into details.  I really didn't let her talk, because her actions have told me all that I need to know.  Her rebuttal of 'you do it too' doesn't hold because I do think that I react to her, and she determines how I carry myself around here as much as I do.

But because the person her actions cause me to be, is someone that I don't want to be, I don't feel comfortable in our relationship.  I told her what I feel I am risking as far as my health and well being is concerned.  That is my overriding concern right now. 

I think, just think, my time is short in Lansing.

...in the beginning

... the following are pages started off-line but I am moving them out here for security reasons ...

Review and Study …

… it is always amazing how whenever I read literature about self-help and motivation, that speaks about becoming the stuff of one’s imagination, how the words all seem so similar and point essentially to the same way, with almost the same words. Some things seem so simple and basic, at least to me such as one line I have picked up today -“See yourself as you are not as you like to be,”. For me, this statement has such resonance and clarity that it is hard to see why it is overlooked by most people, myself included. I guess because it is so hard to do.

To be able to see yourself as you are, you have to be honest when you are taking that look. If you can manage that, the implication of ‘seeing yourself’ (like Schoepanuer says about books, the same goes for honestly seeing yourself… if an ass is looking OUT of the mirror, guess what is looking IN) is that in order to be what you like, you have to be willing to make the changes necessary to become that person in your mind, the one you would like to be.

Now that is something that is very difficult for most people. Thing is, the people that are reaching their goals and are achieving, have done the hard work by sitting down and looking at the person they are, then making the choices that they need to become the person that they want to be. One of the biggest points that I am getting from Russell Simmons’ book, ‘Do You’, is that being willing to put the effort first and focusing on being good at what you do and being the best in the here and now and not later, is vital in reaching a goal.

Myself, I have believed that we all are born with the sense of what to do in order to become what we want, but it is the application of the rules of success that makes the difference. The flexibility of the rules to becoming a success may sometimes trip over each other and seeming to contradict each other at times. But this much is clear- nothing excuses not having focus and nothing is exempt from hard work. If you aren’t focused and willing to put in the effort to achieve the results you desire, then you won’t reach your goals.

Plan all the way to the end …

Never begin anything until you have reflected what will be the end of it …

What to do …

I. Getting Light

A. Setting gear in order

1. In order of importance

2. Desired units - Books and CD’s

... still in a staging area ... will have to figure out a roll out date ...